Punch (60.1871)

April 1, 1871.]

129

TJl v Ul r aI TU ! waitiAng-room. Doddridge has vanished. I rush out, and to secure

ivi t ntML in. my Aunt, ask her to " wait there" (a seat under the clock) while

1 fetch Doddridge.

My Aunt is of opi-
nion that I shall
be the better for iny
journey to Itams-
gate : this she says
before starting-, at
the Rail way Station.

I never knew any
two people so diffi-
cult to find as my
Aunt and her maid,
or any things so

I find Doddridge m the refreshment-room, feeding the dog.
We ve only got five minutes—she can't find her purse. I pay-
sandwich for dog. Now then, back to my Aunt.
_ No Aunt—try for luggage. See Porter with turtle-dove, showing
it to some other men. Don't see Porter with Arctic rugs.

On my return, followed by Porter and dove, who shan't quit me
any more, I miss Doddridge—[I can't help confounding Dod-
dridge with a "d" briefly and alliteratively]—and suddenly
encounter my Aunt coming out of waiting-room.
" Oh," I exclaim, "here you are, at last."

[Mem. On consideration (reviewing the day from a diary point of
difficult to keen in i Vlew) thls was not exactlY the tone in which to address her. Must
one place as nry gentle with my Aunt.]

Vunt's and her i • A±raid 1 sPoke roughly—shall I apologise ? I see the tears gather-
maid's packages ' mg in ter eye' Cail't ^e brutal—can't say "only two minutes : no
Of course° (after 1 to cry ; come on; cry when we 're in the train." What can I

an altercation with °r> + i -r, * , . „. ,,

the Cabman in con- ™rter dof lt- Porter says, Only two minutes more, Sir."
sequence of the then we hurry on. 1 hat is, the Porter hurries first to say we're
number of parcels 1 comins'; I hurry next, at only half the pace I could and should
outside in which he ' ?° ^ ^ere al°n.e> and then comes my Aunt, whom at this moment,
has the'best of it) I *n my impetuosity (I am impetuous and hate missing a train) I
have to take their snou14 hke either to carry down the platform, on a truck, at a run,
tickets and look or (with another fellow) to take both hands and pull her along,
after the' luggage ' soniewnat after the country dance style of "up the middle and down
It requires a con" aSa"L" 1 don't think this cruelly, but as much as to say (if I
siderable amount of ' C0)dd SW it to her) You 'll thank me for it when you're seated."
" lookino-after " I1 she is seated; half a minute more. She s m the carriage—so's
ask them in the meantime to step into a waiting-room: from that *he turtle-dove Where's the other porter ? and Doddridge?
moment I experience the greatest trouble in what I may term q,00 ,^pns i ^Sfro<j]y »a Charlie!—a quarter of a minute,
marshallino- my forces Stout old Guard, with ruddy face, says, r\ ow then, Sir," mtimat-

After seeing the luggage labelled, and arranging for one.porter to j ^^oVse^^6* ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ * "

Quotation suggests itself—" Tell me Shepherd (Guard of the
Ramsgate train) have you seen my Doddridge pass this way ?"
No. " With a dog ? " shrieks my Aunt.

" Got a ticket for it, M'm ? " asks Guard. My Aunt turns to me.
Yes," I reply ; luckily 1 have, at least, I know I received one,

s.

carry our wraps, rugs—we have as many as if we were going on an
Arctic expedition—and umbrellas, and entrusting another porter
with the turtle-dove in its wicker cage, I go in search of my Aunt.

Into one waiting-room—no. Somebody very like her, but that
won't do.

Into another waiting-room—no. Odd. Perhaps the refreshment-
room—no. Ah, there's Doddridge, her maid, by the bookstall, tnrt can t find it, or any of^them, now, of course; bother the thing
Doddridge has known me from infancy, and calls me Master i *es' and tor the maid
George. She is a trifle more cheerful than my Aunt, there being, j Sharp Porter (suddenly). " Maid and little dog, I put 'em second."
perhaps, just one smile to choose between them. You never know ! He rushes (for sixpence) wildly along the platform, tugs at a
when either of them is going to cry. There are some subjects of I door, lugs out Doddridge (who thinks it's something to do with the
conversation which,if anybody touches upon ever so lightly, set them police, or train on tire) and the dog, brings 'em along, I beckoning
off one after the other, as'if by mechanism. Doddridge's sorrowisthe (having come out of the carriage again), my Aunt waving her hand-
memory of her great-grandfather, whom she supported for years kerchief from the window, the old Guard looking at his watch, and
(she's a kind soul) until there was nothing left to support, except then opening the door with "Now then, Miss"—Miss to Dodd-
his loss, which appears to be still (and it happened twenty years ridge, which means a shilling prospectively from me—I jump in,
ago at least), insupportable. Doddridge is bundled in and falls somewhere as the signal is given,

Mem {always to'be borne in mind in talking with Doddridge), j the engine shrieks, and we are off.
Never mention any great grandfather. Ignore such a being. " 0, Mum !" exclaims Doddridge, " the rugs and umbrellas! !

My Aunt has a secret sorrow. There's the difficulty with her. j They was put m with me, Mum, by the young man as showed me
No one can tell why she chooses to dress like a Lady Abbess (with ! into the second-class, as I didn't know as Master George had
modifications). No one can tell why she invariably retires for two i took a first ticket for me, Mum, and I've left 'em there, Mum, m
hours during the afternoon, and will'be at home to no one. the 'urry. Whatever shall we do, Mum ? |nere ! I woiddn t ha

You can avoid the pit-fall of Doddridge's grief, but you can't do | had that tappen for fifty pound, Mum, I wouldn t.
the same with my Aunt's. You may step down on it suddenly if , I say, we shall get them on the first stoppage, and 1 wish we may.
you 're treading (conversationally) ever so lightly, and then—squish ! j Mem. What I am on all hands advised to get for My Health is,
—out come the tears, not noisily, but with sufficient force to give ' Quiet, Eepose, and an absence of Responsibility,
you such a shock as you'd have if you'd pulled a shower-bath! First Stoppage. Old Guard (sounds like a Napoleonic title) looks
string, when you thought there was nothing in and the top turned J in, brings rugs, &c. Joy of the party.

out to be full. _ j Old Guard informs us through the window, pleasantly, that he's

You never knew of what subject to steer clear with her. And < going through with us. I reply that I am glad to hear it

then, when she cries, it is most embarrassing; she weeps with her
eyes wide open, not blinking for a second, and she never has a pocket
handkerchief to hand when wanted. If my Aunt is up-stairs, her
pocket-handkerchief is down-stairs, and rice versa.

I find Doddridge at the Stall. Where is my Aunt? "Lor,
Master George," says this excellent woman, "how should I know?
What with the bustle, and the whistling, and things going about, I
really can't see no one nowhere, and where your Aunt has gone,
Master George, is a misery" (she means "mystery ") " to me." I
point to a waiting-room and tell her to go in there. She continues,
" and then, Master George, there's poor Charlie (the King Charles,
now in her arms, turning up his nose at me, and showing his
teeth), I must take him with me in the carriage. Lor', if he was
to go in the luggage place, or if I was to part company with him,
Missus would never forgive me, for she says, just before you left us,
says she,"—

—I pretend to see my Aunt in the distance and leave Doddridge.
I find my Aunt at last, slowly walking up the Greenwich Train
platform. I bring her back, and then go for Doddridge, in the

Mem. Politeness to a Guard, or from a Guard, costs something.
Invariably.

Old Guard, still looking in, says with a knowing look, " All right,
you'd like this carriage to yourselves "—I, my Aunt, and Dod-
dridge, aged fifty-three if a day—" so I '11 do my best to keep it
for you," with which he nods, winks, smiles and locks the door.
Does he think we 're a bridal party, two spoons and an old maid ?
or can he imagine that my Aunt wants to smoke ?

Smoke.' I should like a cigar now, while travelling. The time
above all others. My Aunt hates it. Not to be thought of—or
rather to be thought of as much as I like, but not to be tried on any
account.

Mem. Absence of Worry is essential to My Health. I feel I shall
worry myself about not being able to smoke, while I'm at my Aunt's.

Oxe Line, at eeast, that is Wo;rk:e:d 0]n" tee " Block" System.
-The House of Commons.