Punch: Punch (60.1871)

May 27, 1871.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

211

A WILLING MARTYR.

Scotch Carrier. "Eh, eit that's strong Whuskey ! Bit U'll no Spile the
Taste wi' Water. U'll rather Thole't !"

icith Illustrious Personages. With admirable taste the lorgnettes of Stalls
and opposite Pit-Boxes are levelled at their Poyal Highnesses.
Gorgeous Little Snob {in Stalls, to Charles, his acquaintance). There's
Wales.

Charles {his acquaintance, critically). Getting- a little stout, eh ?
Gorgeous Little Snob. Yes—{pauses)—but—ar—not a bad fellow, Wales.
[Charles regards his acquaintance with interest, not unmixed with awe. 'Thus
encouraged, Snob proceeds.] I 've dined with him—I mean in company with him
—and he's deuced pleasant—you know—not stuck up a bit.

\_He has once paid a Sovereign for a ticket for a charity dinner, where {lie
Prince presided, under the impression that this entitled him to be pre-
sented to His Royal Highness in the course of the evening.
Lady in Stall. How ivell she is looking !
Young Lady {to an Habitue). Who 's that with them ?

Habitue {after using his Glass). That—that's Doctor Thingummy—always
there.

[He says this in a very audible voice. People about wonder why Doctor
Thingummy is always there, with a sort of wish that they could be
always there, too.

Well-informed Elderly Lady {mysteriously, to her friend, a visitor from
the country). Mr. Qtjtckson, who knows them very well, tells me, &c, &c.

Her Friend {much interested, and unable to remove her eyes from the Royal
Box). Really !—do they indeed ?-

Lady in a corner Pit-Box {distinctly). The Lornes are there.

Gentleman {in attendance). I thought they were travelling on the Continent,
incog.

Lady {positively). 0, yes—{with a ready invention)—but they've returned
incog., and—see how they 're sitting back—they don't wish anybody to recognise
them.

[More glasses levelled. His Royal Highness laughs. Great excitement
in Stalls and opposite Boxes.
Little Gorgeous Snob looks up towards the Box, and then looks away again, and

laughs, as if he knew what joke they were enjoying up there.

[N. B. And this is how the Opera is listened to.
Loungers in Fops'1 Alley during entr'acte. More conversation about the Royal

Box, in consequence of Report having spread that "the Lornes" are

there. Contradictions from well-informed People.

Mr. Pumper {of the Clubs, meeting Silent Legislator,
and eager for some gossip to retail). Ah, Johnny! Any-
thing doing ?

Silent Legislator {of great importance out of ike
House). Just come from the House. Taylor's up, so
I shall go down again presently.

Pumper {botton-holmg him). If it true that G<Ssch.KN
is to change places with Monsell—{looking very know-
ing) ? it's about to-night.

Silent Legislator {wondering why he 'hasn't heard this
—but still reticently). Well, there is a whisper of it;
but i" don't believe it. Dizzy said to me, when he came
down to-night-

[There his voice'sinks into a whisper^
Pumper {after listening to the ?nost important latest
intelligence). Well—{considers)—it's not unlikely; but
still—{Legislator nod emphatically, and leaves him.
Pumper meets frieiids, and begins) They say that Dizzy
will, &c, &c. I just met Johjjny Daw, who told mo,
and he's off to the House again immediately.
Pumper's Friends {much impressed). By Jove !!

[Fxeunt subsequently and severally; Pumper and
Friends to various Clubs, where they divulge
their State secrets, icith such additions and
embellishments as may have occurred to them in
the interval.

Military Lounger {in Lobby, to Second Lounger). Come
and dine at the Rag, to-morrow; and go to the Globe ?

His Friend. What's there P

Lounger. 0, doosed pretty ! Been there twice.

Theatrical. Authority. You ought to hear Mrs. Wood,
at the St. James's, sing, "His 'Art was true to Poll."
i laven't heard anything so good for an age. She's the
only woman that can sing a comic song comically, on the
stage.

Funny Friend {coming up). I say, Freddy, who was
tbat you were talking to in the Park, to-day {ijnilates
Clown) ? I saw you ! I say {commences a story, princi-
pally about himself, at somewhere in the country; how he
had such fun ; how he played So-and-So, a part just
in his line, in some theatricals ; how he, <§-e., 8fc. Seats
gradually resumed during Second Act).

Opera Habitue {authoritatively). Mongini not in good
voice, &c, &c.

Second Habitue {as a set-off). Carvalho charming,
though, eh! &c, &c.

Materfamilias. Where is our-

Paterfamilias {fussily). I'll go and see for it.

Linkman. Cab or .carriage, Sir?

Paterfamilias {forced into truth). Carr- No—a—■

Fly.

Linkman. What name, Sir ?

Paterfamilas {rather resenting this inquiry, replies, as
if the man ought to have known it). Hodgson. {Eyes the
man sternly.)

"Linkman. 'Odgson ! All right, Sir. You stand 'ere.
I'm Number Two—{repeats to himself) 'Odgson's fly.

[Disappears.

Paterfamilias {returning, beamingly). I've sent a
man ; it '11 be here directly.

They wait. People leave. Linkman Number Two
returns. " No fly of the name of 'Odgson." Dis-
tress of Party. Paterfamilias sends Commis-
sionnaires.

Materfamilias {severely). William, didn't you tell
the man whom to ask for ?

Paterfamilias {self-convicted on the spot). No—I—

{sees something like it driving up). Ah, here it--

Linkman. Number Three! [Exit Number Three party.
[Paterfamilias goes outside, is knocked about —
remonstrates angrily. Hears voice in distance,
"Any one 'ere name of 'Odgson's fly?"
Paterfamilias wishes he 'd dined at the Club,
and come by himself. Prospect of row.
Materfamilias {annoyed). We'd better take a cab.
{Calmly.) We can't sleep here.

Number Two {reappearing considerably out of breath).
'Ere y' are, Sir. Number Two.

[Exeunt Family, icith much the same feeling of
thankfulness as they would have experienced in
being rescued by a vessel from some Robinson-
Crusoe-like situation.
Moral by Materfamilias). My dear William, while
we are in town it would be very much nicer, and real y
cheaper in the end, if we hired a good carriage regularly.
{But Pater is asleep.)