Punch (67.1874)

August 1, 187 4. j

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

53

BEGINNING AT THE BEGINNING.

“And what’s your favourite Study, Missy?” “Chronology!”

“ Chronology, is it? Now, what is the Date of the Creation of
the World ?”

“ 0, we haven’t got so far as that, Grand fa’ ! ”

THE WAIL OE SMELFUNGUS.

It was an old Myoopliagist
Who sadly did complain
He had his favourite toadstools missed
From lengthened want of rain.

His brow, with discontent o’ereast,

A rueful aspect wore ;

Said he, “ There has no fungus passed
These lips this month and more !

“ Saint George’s mushroom, one or two,

I found in early Spring ;

Agaricus gambosus, due

With swallows on the wing.
Li/coperdon, too, giganteurn,

Two light repasts supplied ;

And then, alas! no more would come
From pastures too soon dried.

“ Marasmius Oreades,

Which wet in season brings,

The buff champignon, that one sees
In verdant elfin rings,

WThen seared were all those circles green,
No seeker’s eye could see.

What disappointment that has been
To fairies and to me !

“'The Amanita changing hue,

Rubescens, blushed me none ;

The Russula heterophylla, blue,

And puce, I found not one.

And as for the Boletus e-
dulis, so plump and fat,

A fungus which I love to see,

I found no more of that.

*

“The Fistulina hepatic,a

Grows out of the oak-tree,

Like liver to behold, but, ah,

Has not yet grown for me !

Coprinus, eke, comatus, fails ;

Atramentarius, too ;

For ketchup neither aught avails,

So what am I to do ?

“ I can but sigh for heavy rains,

And thunderstorms implore.

With agarics to make all the lanes
And meadows teem, galore.

The farmers might wet weather weep,
But I hot Summer moan,

Forbidden by the drought to reap
A harvest of my own.”

HOME RATING.

An attempt will probably be made by many distinguished Mem-
bers of the Woinan’s Rights Association to add the following Clauses
to the Rating Bill:—

Any Married Man taking advantage of his possession of a latch-
key by returning home at two in the morning from a dinner with a
friend at his Club, will be rr.ted by his wife as “an unfeeling mon-
ster,” and will be liable to a penalty not exceeding a new bonnet.

Any Unmarried Man, being at the time engaged to be married,
waltzing with any female other than his future wife or his sister,
will be rated by said future wife as “ a cold-hearted flirt,” and will
be liable to a penalty of a letter of not less than ten sides of note-
paper, the writing on which has been crossed and re-crossed.

Any Married Man, failing to remember the anniversary of his
marriage or the birthday of his wife, will be rated by his wife as
“ false and cruel,” and will be liable to a penalty of a dinner at
home not exceeding cold mutton.

Any Unmarried Man, having unmarried sisters, refusing to accom-
pany sisters (when desired) to the Park or the Opera, will be rated
by them “ a selfish creature,” and will be liable to a penalty not
exceeding all the new waltzes played on the piano in the room
adjoining his study during the busiest hour of the day.

Any Married Man refusing at the proper season to take his family
to the sea-side, will be rated by his wife as “ a brute,” and will be
subject to the penalty of not less than a month’s discomfort, caused
by an invasion of white-washers and carpet-cleaners.

Any Unmarried Man, taking down an intellectual Unmarried
Female to dinner, failing to pay proper attention to that intellectual

Unmarried Female’s critical conversation, in order that he may
flirt with his other neighbour at the table, will be rated by said
intellectual Unmarried Female as “ empty-headed,” and will be
liable to the heaviest penalty of which the laws of the land may
hereafter admit. (See proposed Compulsory Marriage Bill annexed
to this paper of Clauses.)

THE WEDGE IN THE WORKHOUSE.

At a recent meeting of the Guardians of the City of London
Union, says the City Press, “it was proposed to allow Ladies to
visit the poor aged and sick inmates of the Workhouse at Bow.”
But howbeit that:—■

“ Permission of the kind had already been given as regards the Homerton
and Holloway Workhouses belonging to the Union ; still, a member of the
Board thought the proposition premature, and that it was only the ‘ thin end
of the wedge.’ ”

What is the “ wedge ” of which this gentleman looked upon the
admission of Ladies to visit the paupers as the thin end ? Is it com-
fort, consolation, humanity, or religion ? His colleagues, of another
mind than himself as to the wedge, may be congratulated on not
objecting to the inspection of their workhouses. Dislike to inspec-
tion on the part of authorities always—except, of course, in the case
of convents—shows that they have something to conceal. The Civic
Guardians appear to hide nothing ; and perhaps they will allow the
“ wedge,” of which they have admitted the thin end, to be driven
home.