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August 15, 1874.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

73

ONE-AND-THREE !

{Letter from M. Fictor Nogo, Author of “ TJne-et-Trois,” to our Eminent Translator.)

Y Honourable
Co-Laboueeb,
Youe noble
and glorious trans-
lation of my im-
mortal work
touches me pro-
foundly.

I felicitate Lon-
don. London, in
publishing a work
of mine, draws to
itself the attention
of the civilised
world. London
swells with pride
under the benig-
nant sway of a
Lord Mayor. The
Lord Mayor
crowns poets, glo-
rifies literature.
He decks you with
turtle, and thus
does homage to
Genius. You re-
present Genius,
for you represent
me. Thus I am
shadowed: for this
I embrace you in
spirit. You have
eo-mingled your
ideas with mine.

You and I, the
Translator and the

Translated, the Adaptor and the Adapted—it is grand.
More than grand—it is stupendous. More than stu-
pendous, it is colossal.

I regret to be absent from you. I have seen a sun-light portrait of you. It has only a half-face, hirsutely concealed. You have
more cheek than is visible in this picture. Could I be near you, and yet not so as to see your face, you should feel the expression
of my sentiments towards you. I speak emphatically the truth. You should receive an impression of my presence—profound, trans-
cendent, indelible. I would give you my hand ; both my hands, with my whole heart.

One such book as One-and- Three suffices for a lifetime. Nothing more pathetic, nothing more dramatic, nothing more original.
You will understand me to speak of Une-et-Trois, not of your representation of it as One-and-Three.

1 again felicitate you on being at so great a distance as you are from me.


Fictor Nogo.

DESPERATE RESOLVES OE THE LAST MAN
LEET IN TOWN.

To visit the National Gallery (for the first time), as an English-
man should really know something about the Art Treasures of his
native country.

To spend an hour at the Tower (also for the first time), because
there you will be able to brighten up your historical recollections
which have become rather rusty since you took your B.A. degree just
fifteen years ago.

To enter St. Paul’s Cathedral with a view to thinking out a
really good plan of decoration for the benefit of those who read
letters addressed to the Editor of the Times.

To take a ride in an omnibus from Piccadilly to Brompton to see
what the interior of the vehicle in question is like, and therein to
study the manners and customs of the English Middle Classes.

To walk in Rotten Row between the hours of twelve (noon) and
two (p.h.) to see how the place looks without any people in it.

To have your photograph taken in your Militia Uniform, as now
there is no one in Town to watch you getting out of a cab in full
War Paint.

To stroll into Mudie’s Library to get all the new novels, because
after reading them you may suddenly find yourself inspired to write
a critique that will make your name (when the article has been
accepted and published) as a most accomplished reviewer,
j To read all the newspapers and magazines at the hairdresser’s
while your head is being shampooed (for the fourth time), as now is
the time for improving your mind (occupied with so many other
things during the season) with popular current literature.

To walk to your Club (closed for repairs, &c.) to see how the
workmen are progressing with the stone scraping of the exterior, as
you feel yourself responsible to hundreds of your fellow-creatures
as a Member of the House Committee.

To write a long letter to your friend Brown, of the 121st Foot,
now in India with his Regiment, to tell him how nothing is going on
anywhere, because you have not written to him since he said
“ good-bye” to you at Southampton.

To go home to bed at nine o’clock, as early hours are good for the
health, and because there is really nothing else to do.

And last, but not least, to leave London for the Country by the
very first train to-morrow morning !

MORE EFFECTS OF THE HIGH TEMPERATURE.

Mr. Kerr Mudgeon, having quarrelled with his wife, whom he
expects to join next week at the sea-side, is delighted with the
thought that he will have a cool reception.

Lord Foppington has been seen walking out without his gloves,
and with rather a limp shirt collar.

Captain Coolcard has astonished his young friend, Ensign
Goosesteppe, by winning a cool hundred of him, in spite of the
high temperature.

Mr. Beeswing has been dining lately in his wine-cellar, as he
fears that his old port may be mulled in this hot weather by being
taken up-stairs.

It is whispered at the mess-table that gallant Major Firebrace
would have proposed last week, but the charming widow vowed she
really couldn’t stand the warmth of his preliminary expressions.

Kennedy Corrected.

You tell us “ Doctor Moss’s cuts eight-score
A mere flea-bite to me seem to have been ”—

“ Flea-hite to me f ” pray let Punch underscore—
“ Phlebotomy ” he thinks it is you mean.

Von. 67.

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