Punch (67.1874)

August 22, 1874.]

PUNCH, OK, THE LONDON CHARIVAKI.

77

IN HIGHLANDS AND ISLANDS.

(Our Private Bulletin.)

he following are the notes we have received from our Sport-
ing Contributor. I wish we could say they were a fair
equivalent for the notes he has received from us, to say
nothing of that new Henby’s patent double central-fire
breech-loader, with all the latest improvements, and one
of Me. Benjamin’s Heather-Mixture suits. Such as
they are we print them, with the unsatisfactory con-
solation that if the notes are had they are like the sport
and the birds. Of all these it may be said that “ bad is
the best.”

North and South Uist.—The awfully hard weather—the
natives call it “ soft ” here—having rendered the chances
of winged game out of the question, the sportsmen who
have rented the shootings are glad to try the chances
of the game, sitting, and have confined themselves to the
‘Whist from which the islands take their name. Being
only two, they are reduced to double dummy. As the
rental of the Uist Moors is £400, they find the points
come rather high—so far.

Harris.—In spite of repeated inquiries, the proprietress
of the island was not visible. Her friend, Mrs. Gamp, now
here on a visit, declares she saw Mrs. H. very recently, hut
was quite unable to give me any information as to shoot-
ings, except the shootings of her own corns.

Fifeshire.—The renters of the Fife shootings gener-
ally have been seriously considering the feasibility of
combining with those of the once well-stocked Drum
Moor in Aberdeenshire, to get up something like a band
—of hope, that a bag may be made some day. Thus far,
the only bags made have been those of the proprietors
of the shootings, who have bagged heavy rentals.

Rum.—1 call the island a gross-misnomer, as there is nothing to drink in it but whiskey, which, with the adjacent “Egg,” may
be supposed to have given rise to the neighbouring “ Mull”—hot drinks being the natural resource of both natives and visitors in such
weather as we’ve had ever since I crossed the Tweed. I have seen one bird—at least so the gilly says—after six tumblers, but to me it
had all the appearance of a brace.

Skye.—Birds wild. Sportsmen, ditto. Sky a gloomy grey—your Correspondent and the milk at the hotel at Corrieverrieslushin alike
sky-blue.

Cantire.—Can’t you ? Try tramping the moors for eight hours after a pack of preternaturally old birds that know better than let you get
within half a mile of their tails. Then see if you can’t tire. I beg your pardon, but if you knew what it was to make jokes under my
present circumstances, you’d give it up, or do worse. If I should not turn up shortly, and you hear of an inquest on a young man, in
one of Benjamin’s Heather-Mixture suits, with a Henby’s central-fire breech-loader, and a roll of new notes in his possession found
hanging wet-through, in his braces in some remote Highland shieling—break it gently to the family of Youe Spobting Conteibutoe.

HINTS GRATIS FOR COYENT GARDEN CONCERT.

At Messes. Gatti’s Musical-Refreshment-and-Promenade Con-
cert, conducted by a French composer, who might have been some-
body in Opera bouffe if Offenbach had been nobody, we see that
the entertainment concluded with the “ Sleigh Polka.” Was this
Polka composed on the spot or danced on the spot bv the eminent
Serjeant-at-Law whose name it bears F Being successful, Sebjeant
Sleigh is be congratulated. But here’s a hint for a future pro-
gramme: why not have a “ Legal part ” to the concert P Instead
of the Ashantee musical nonsense in the worst possible taste, let
there be such an attraction as this, e.g.—

“ In consequence of the great success of the
SLEIGH POLKA,

it will be repeated nightly, and in addition will be given the new
Terpsichorean Music, with explanatory libretto, entitled The

Ballantine Ballet.

After which a new set of Quadrilles called, after another learned
Serjeant,

A LA MODE DE PARRY/

Which will be followed by a composition, imitated from the old style,
entitled

The Cockbuen Cobanto and the Melloe Minuet.

In preparation, the Phillimore Fandango and other legally musical
pieces, and on one evening only, on account of its repetition being
utterly impossible,

THE GREAT KENEALY BREAK-DOWN!”

Now the above would be a collection of novelties ; and such enter-
prising caterers for the public taste in ices, lemonade, gingerbeer,
coffee, &c., &c., as are the Messes. Gatti, might find it an easy
matter, and quite in their line, to secure the attendance of the
eminent Lawyers abovementioned by providing them with constant
“ Refreshers.”

A MISPLACED CRITICISM.

The first line of a new Toll-table for Windsor Bridge specifies
that:—

“ For every hearse or coach passing over the bridge with a dead corpse,
there shall be a charge of 6s. 8d.”

This paragraph has been derisively quoted under heading of
“ Killing the Dead.” Kind friends may have cut it out and sent it
to members of the Corporation of Windsor. Take heart,. your
Worships. Let them gird at you that list. Ask them who it was
that wrote:—

“ What may this mean,

That thou, dead corse, again in complete steel,

Revisit’st thus the glimpses of the moon ? ”

Bid them give Windsor none of their sauce, and tell them to go to
Stratford-on-Avon.

Your real mistake touching the “dead corpse” lies in charging
6s. 8d. for the carriage which conveys it over your bridge. Or is it
because you consider dead weight so much heavier than living, that
you tax it at a figure only too familiar to us hitherto in connection
with lawyers' conveyancing, but not undertakers'.

The March of Intellect North o’ Tweed.

It may well be said that in Scotland wisdom comes out of the
mouths of babes and sucklings, when we find the Edinburgh School
Board advertising for “ an Infant Mistress and Three Certificated
Assistants, one Male and two Female ”—infants, also, we presume—
for their Public Schools. In spite of the proverbial parsimony
of our neighbours ayont the Tweed, we find the Edinburgh Board
offering what it calls a “minimum,” but what we Saxon pock-
puddings would have called a “maximum,” salary of £60 to the
Infant Mistress and Male, and £50 to the Female, Assistants! Who
can say that Scotland is not the School-master’s Paradise, when
even an infant with the gift of teaching can begin where many an
English School-master leaves off, at £60 a-year ?