DOI issue:
August 22, 1874
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16939#0090
82
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[August 22, 1874.
MEN WERE DECEIVERS EVER ”
Mr. Punch is at present in the Highlands ‘ A-chasing the Deer.”
Mrs. Punch is at Home, and has promised all her Friends Haunches
of Venison as soon as they arrive !
THE CASUAL’S COMPLAINT.
[See Report on the mysterious Dwarf and Doq Fiqht, in
“ Land and Water.”)
If Land and Water’s in a fog :
Is that a motive manly,
A brother penman’s steps to dog
Throughout the town of Hanley ?
Dog ! How the word thrills through my brain!
What guineas would I forfeit,
If I could find the pit again
Wherein that dog and dwarf fit!
0 hateful Physic ! Huge of maw,
Swift rats or dwarfs to slaughter—
1 ’d rather face thy weight of jaw
Than that of Land and Water !
0 vanished Brummy ! Quilp of roughs,
With muscle tough as wire is,
Better your hugs and fisticuffs
Than Buckland’s close inquiries.
He casts a slur upon my word,
Of doubt makes strong suggestion :
“ Where was I on the twenty-third ? ”—
“ Where am I now ? ”’s the question.
While cock in my peculiar walk,
I’m willing to let Stanley
Be sent, and to stop sneerers’ talk
Find Dog and Dwarf in Hanley !
Meantime, would 1 could chronicle
A fight, unseen of any,
Where dog dwarf, and dwarf dog should kill,
Like cats of famed Kilkenny.
Then Land and Water should receive
Permission free to find ’em;
Since, being both chawed up, they’d leave
Not e’en their tails behind ’em.
“Very Hard Lines.”—The Railways.
Observation.—Everybody walks about with a leather bag and an
alpenstock.
Happy Thought.—Get an alpenstock, and go up somewhere.
I do get one; and feel like a merry mountaineer. On subse-
quently climbing, I find that I feel much more like a merry
mountaineer when on the high road-
[Happy Thought.—High road quite high enough for me, without
going up a mountain.]
——than when upon a height overlooking a lovely view.
Giggleswade, who is a great walker and climber, says, “ 0, you
must come up and see the Druidical Circle. It’s no distance.”
I make the following determination during the ascent to this con-
founded Druidical Circle (which is a distance, and Giggleswade’s
an ass), that I will not go up anywhere else ; but, so as to prevent
the immediate reproach, “ 0, you ought to have been up,” &c., I
will simply say I have been up, or that I went up as far as I wanted,
and I ’ll immediately turn on them with, “ Ah ! but have you seen
the Druidical Stones P ”
What I object to in Giggleswade’s going up a mountain is, that
he won’t stop to look at the view.
I say to him, after stopping for the fifth time in the first half-
hour to draw Giggleswade’s attention to the view, which he would
miss but for me, “I’m afraid I’m not quite in training for this sort
of work.”
He laughs boisterously as he returns, “ A little touched in the
wind, eh? Never mind; there’s plenty of that article on the
mountain.”
He is right; there is. So to express it, I don’t so much lose my
breath as that I have it blown out of me.
Note for Mountaineers.—An alpenstock is very useful if you
always get a soft but firm place to fix it in, if you don’t strike it
against a stone, in which case it slips away and you fall, and if you
don’t hit your toe with it or get it between your legs. In fact, the
less I try to do with my alpenstock the more useful I find it.
. the Druid’s Circle.—At last. There’s nothing to be enthu-
siastic about. Ves: there are stones, the highest about four feet
high, and the whole thing wants doing up and repairing. Why
don’t Joneses rebuild this Druidical Temple in the winter time,
when they can’t have anything particular to do ?
Giggleswade informs me that all these mountains belong to
different people. Why I thought they were free. “On the con-
trary,” says Giggleswade, “strictly speaking, we’re trespassing.”
Happy Thought.—If they belonged to me, I’d have gates and
men in the summer, and charge half-a-crown entrance. I’d let
tourists know what it was to possess a mountain. But, good
gracious! what mines of wealth are being yearly thrown away !
I’m told (by Giggleswade) that Snowdon belongs to somebody;
and yet admission is free !!
Here’d be a place for Temple Bar in the middle of the Druidical
Circle, and for the Lion from Northumberland House.
But does every place everywhere belong to somebody ? Are we
always trespassing ? How about Mont Blanc ? Why, here’s a
neglected opportunity for a promoter of schemes. The “Hill and
Mountain Company (Limited).” With a large capital they could
buy the hills and mountains and waterfalls everywhere.
Only, stop-
If this went on, England, in time, would be the property of a
Company Limited. Well, and why not ? India was. There’d be
admission at the various ports and harbours, and you’d pay so much
for entrance. Think this out, and prepare an Essay on the Future
Greatness of England considered as a show-place.
******
Certainly the mountain air does agree with me.
Happy Thought.—Think I ’ll go, and if I see Me. Gladstone on
the sands, suggest the above idea to him. Disestablish England,
and make it a Company Limited.
Quiet Churchmen.
Two eminent Divines often mentioned, but never interfering, are
Bishop Stortford, the Eastern (Counties) Bishop, and Dean Forest,
into whose condition, however, a Parliamentary Committee has just
been inquiring.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[August 22, 1874.
MEN WERE DECEIVERS EVER ”
Mr. Punch is at present in the Highlands ‘ A-chasing the Deer.”
Mrs. Punch is at Home, and has promised all her Friends Haunches
of Venison as soon as they arrive !
THE CASUAL’S COMPLAINT.
[See Report on the mysterious Dwarf and Doq Fiqht, in
“ Land and Water.”)
If Land and Water’s in a fog :
Is that a motive manly,
A brother penman’s steps to dog
Throughout the town of Hanley ?
Dog ! How the word thrills through my brain!
What guineas would I forfeit,
If I could find the pit again
Wherein that dog and dwarf fit!
0 hateful Physic ! Huge of maw,
Swift rats or dwarfs to slaughter—
1 ’d rather face thy weight of jaw
Than that of Land and Water !
0 vanished Brummy ! Quilp of roughs,
With muscle tough as wire is,
Better your hugs and fisticuffs
Than Buckland’s close inquiries.
He casts a slur upon my word,
Of doubt makes strong suggestion :
“ Where was I on the twenty-third ? ”—
“ Where am I now ? ”’s the question.
While cock in my peculiar walk,
I’m willing to let Stanley
Be sent, and to stop sneerers’ talk
Find Dog and Dwarf in Hanley !
Meantime, would 1 could chronicle
A fight, unseen of any,
Where dog dwarf, and dwarf dog should kill,
Like cats of famed Kilkenny.
Then Land and Water should receive
Permission free to find ’em;
Since, being both chawed up, they’d leave
Not e’en their tails behind ’em.
“Very Hard Lines.”—The Railways.
Observation.—Everybody walks about with a leather bag and an
alpenstock.
Happy Thought.—Get an alpenstock, and go up somewhere.
I do get one; and feel like a merry mountaineer. On subse-
quently climbing, I find that I feel much more like a merry
mountaineer when on the high road-
[Happy Thought.—High road quite high enough for me, without
going up a mountain.]
——than when upon a height overlooking a lovely view.
Giggleswade, who is a great walker and climber, says, “ 0, you
must come up and see the Druidical Circle. It’s no distance.”
I make the following determination during the ascent to this con-
founded Druidical Circle (which is a distance, and Giggleswade’s
an ass), that I will not go up anywhere else ; but, so as to prevent
the immediate reproach, “ 0, you ought to have been up,” &c., I
will simply say I have been up, or that I went up as far as I wanted,
and I ’ll immediately turn on them with, “ Ah ! but have you seen
the Druidical Stones P ”
What I object to in Giggleswade’s going up a mountain is, that
he won’t stop to look at the view.
I say to him, after stopping for the fifth time in the first half-
hour to draw Giggleswade’s attention to the view, which he would
miss but for me, “I’m afraid I’m not quite in training for this sort
of work.”
He laughs boisterously as he returns, “ A little touched in the
wind, eh? Never mind; there’s plenty of that article on the
mountain.”
He is right; there is. So to express it, I don’t so much lose my
breath as that I have it blown out of me.
Note for Mountaineers.—An alpenstock is very useful if you
always get a soft but firm place to fix it in, if you don’t strike it
against a stone, in which case it slips away and you fall, and if you
don’t hit your toe with it or get it between your legs. In fact, the
less I try to do with my alpenstock the more useful I find it.
. the Druid’s Circle.—At last. There’s nothing to be enthu-
siastic about. Ves: there are stones, the highest about four feet
high, and the whole thing wants doing up and repairing. Why
don’t Joneses rebuild this Druidical Temple in the winter time,
when they can’t have anything particular to do ?
Giggleswade informs me that all these mountains belong to
different people. Why I thought they were free. “On the con-
trary,” says Giggleswade, “strictly speaking, we’re trespassing.”
Happy Thought.—If they belonged to me, I’d have gates and
men in the summer, and charge half-a-crown entrance. I’d let
tourists know what it was to possess a mountain. But, good
gracious! what mines of wealth are being yearly thrown away !
I’m told (by Giggleswade) that Snowdon belongs to somebody;
and yet admission is free !!
Here’d be a place for Temple Bar in the middle of the Druidical
Circle, and for the Lion from Northumberland House.
But does every place everywhere belong to somebody ? Are we
always trespassing ? How about Mont Blanc ? Why, here’s a
neglected opportunity for a promoter of schemes. The “Hill and
Mountain Company (Limited).” With a large capital they could
buy the hills and mountains and waterfalls everywhere.
Only, stop-
If this went on, England, in time, would be the property of a
Company Limited. Well, and why not ? India was. There’d be
admission at the various ports and harbours, and you’d pay so much
for entrance. Think this out, and prepare an Essay on the Future
Greatness of England considered as a show-place.
******
Certainly the mountain air does agree with me.
Happy Thought.—Think I ’ll go, and if I see Me. Gladstone on
the sands, suggest the above idea to him. Disestablish England,
and make it a Company Limited.
Quiet Churchmen.
Two eminent Divines often mentioned, but never interfering, are
Bishop Stortford, the Eastern (Counties) Bishop, and Dean Forest,
into whose condition, however, a Parliamentary Committee has just
been inquiring.