DOI issue:
October 24, 1874
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16939#0175
168
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[October 24, 1874.
A MAN OF LETTERS.
here haying been made
some mystery about the
contents of the letters of
Prince Yon Bismarck,
which are said to be re-
tained by Count Arnim
for unworthy purposes,
Mr. Punch has great plea-
sure in laying the follow-
ing important communica-
tions before his readers.
It will he noticed that Mr.
Punch, with a yiew to di-
vulging no confidences,
has disguised the names of
the writer and recipients
of the accompanying let-
ters, which, heMuay add,
were handed to him for
safe custody.
To H-R K-P, Manu-
facturer of Guns, fyc.
Sir,—I have much plea-
sure in informing you that
I have found your steel
tubes most useful in curing
attacks of national pride,
ill-humour, &c., &c.
Your iron pills, too, have proved most efficacious in reducing
feverish enthusiasm to the smallest proportions. Please send me
20,000 tubes and 20,000,000 pills, packed in cases that will bear a
cold climate—such, for instance, as the climate of Russia.
Accept, Sir, &c., &c.,
P. B-K.
To the Ex-M-l B-e.
Ex-Marshal,
I declare on my honour that you were of the greatest
possible service to me during the war of 1871-72. Germany owes
you a debt of gratitude that she is neither able nor willing to repay.
Accept, &c.,
P. B-K.
To M. G-a, late a Member of “ the Provisional Government.”
Dictator oe the Past and the Future,
I have much pleasure in informing you that I consider your
flights of eloquence are only to be equalled by your travels in a
balloon.
Believe me, I watch your career with the most patriotic interest.
Should your ambitious schemes be gratified, a great future awaits
you—and Germany!
Accept, &c.,
P. B-K.
To the M-s H-1 de R-T.
Citizen Marquis,
I thank you heartily for the services you rendered me
during the second siege of Paris. I consider your great idea, the
Commune, has secured for France and Germany a peace that may
be expected to last for many years.
Should you ever meet T-u (was not that the name of the
General who held Paris against me in 1870-71 ?), give him my
warmest thanks.
Accept, &c.,
P. B-K.
To the M-L P-T S-o.
M. le President,
Believe me, I have received the news of the note you have
caused to be presented to the French Government with feelings of
the liveliest interest. 1 can assure you that the step you have
taken has filled my mind with admiration and amazement. I can
hardly imagine that your courteous conduct can be misunderstood
in Paris; should, however, France be sufficiently unprincipled to
feel annoyed, I. shall consider it my duty to give you any little sup-
port it may be in my power to afford you. I may add that prepara-
tions have recently been made to call out the whole of the Reserve.
Accept, &c.,
P. B-K.
To H—S M-Y THE K-U OF D-K.
Sire,
Far be it from one so powerless and humble as myself to
offer a suggestion to a Potentate so renowned for gigantic resources
as your Majesty, still I have the honour to observe that it may be
to your Majesty’s interest to join the German Bund within the next
four-and-twenty hours.
Your Obedient Slave,
P. B-K.
To H—S I-L M-Y THE C---R OF R-A.
Sire,
As your Majesty may possibly be aware, forgetfulness is
not one of my failings. Your Majesty has been good, enough to
thwart my policy in Spain, Denmark, and Brussels. I trust I shall
soon have an opportunity of repaying your Majesty the debt I owe
to you, not only in part, but in full.
Accept, Sire,
The assurance of my most respectful consideration,
_ P. B-K.
TOURISTS’ TROUBLES.
[Being useful hints, at the close of the present season, for the Intend-
ing Tourist, and valuable decisions for the Undecided.)
Troubles—and pleasures. But the Tourist must begin with the
troubles. Supposing him to have settled where he is going, and to
have discovered that the Neuchatel in Switzerland is not the Neuf-
chatel in France, and that he has made up his mind to visit the
former, he cannot do better than pack up and go, before some one
suggests another tour.
As to his route, what will fix him for once and ever is to go to
Cook, the veritable descendant of the great Captain Cook, who
“personally conducted himself” (and, I believe, properly conducted
himself) all round the world. Cook will give him a tour de force,
will serve him with a menu, in the shape of a certain “circular”
way, from which, having once paid his money, the economical
voyageur will not care to deviate.
Cook, of the cordon bleu, makes up your mind for you, and, even
if you take his hotel coupons, directs you where to lodge, dine, and
breakfast en route. An excellent system for undecided people, or
for those whose acquaintance with any language beyond English is
limited. But “ hotel coupons ” will probably only hamper the travel-
ler, who has fixed notions about hotels, and who, on quitting his own
country for a holiday, wishes for an entire change of surroundings.
The Independent Traveller will carefully avoid all places where
“English spoken” is announced as a recommendation, and will give
a wide berth to all foreign hotels whose advertisement informs him
that “ The Proprietor does his best to provide his guests ivith all
home comforts.” “ Home comforts ” mean, generally, roast beef—
not the roast beef of Old England and O the Old English roast
beef—and plum-pudding for dinner, with the additional rarity of a
Cheshire cheese. These will have been preceded by a vermicelli
soup, and fried soles. Now the heartiest’English bagman who drives
from place to place couldn’t wish for any better sounding English
fare : but the bagman wouldn’t stand it, if he could help it, in
France. But he can’t help it, it is helped for him, Monsieur le
commis-voyageur finds the table d'hote, or, as he would prefer to call
it, “ the ordinary,” provided for him, and he takes it humbly,
imagining it to be French, but retaining his own private opinion
that “ they do these things much better in England.”
The Cook system, so admirably adapted to so many who would
otherwise have stopped at home (and would to Heaven they had !) has
within a certain radius assisted to lower-middle-class-Englishise the
Continent. I invent this compound verb advisedly, because English
society is not divided by a hard and fast line into two sets ; but there
exists a sort of public-school system, which puts Royalty in the sixth
form, and then goes gradually down the ladder, beginning with titles.
The enormous Middle Class is a sort of “remove,” only with as
many divisions as are in the fifth form, and under the Lower-Middle
come those who haven’t yet mastered the difficulties of the letter
“h.” They leave’ome to go via Boolong to Parree, stopping for
lunch at Haymiens hong rout. If very bold, they go into a cafe
and say, “ Here ! hi ! Give us some Bass’s Beer,” but for the most
part their merriment is confined to the interior of their railway
carriage, occasionally breaking out on the platform of a station,
where they laugh among themselves at a military-looking official in
uniform, albeit they are genuinely overawed by his cocked hat, and
uncertain as to what he might do with his sword if he had a fancy
for suddenly using it. They are also rather frightened of the glib
and rapid French Waiter. That is, if they ever happen to put them-
selves in the way of being served by one, which is rare, as they cling
with desperation to their second-rate hotel, where English is spoken,
where they are understood and can understand, and whence they
can make excursions on the regular beaten tracks of a great city..
It is evident, as I have already said, that the decided Tourist ,
determined upon a real holiday, does not want to keep in the same
company from first to last; and yet, if he is a Cookist, he cannot,
unless he temporarily sacrifice his hotel coupons, detach himself'
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[October 24, 1874.
A MAN OF LETTERS.
here haying been made
some mystery about the
contents of the letters of
Prince Yon Bismarck,
which are said to be re-
tained by Count Arnim
for unworthy purposes,
Mr. Punch has great plea-
sure in laying the follow-
ing important communica-
tions before his readers.
It will he noticed that Mr.
Punch, with a yiew to di-
vulging no confidences,
has disguised the names of
the writer and recipients
of the accompanying let-
ters, which, heMuay add,
were handed to him for
safe custody.
To H-R K-P, Manu-
facturer of Guns, fyc.
Sir,—I have much plea-
sure in informing you that
I have found your steel
tubes most useful in curing
attacks of national pride,
ill-humour, &c., &c.
Your iron pills, too, have proved most efficacious in reducing
feverish enthusiasm to the smallest proportions. Please send me
20,000 tubes and 20,000,000 pills, packed in cases that will bear a
cold climate—such, for instance, as the climate of Russia.
Accept, Sir, &c., &c.,
P. B-K.
To the Ex-M-l B-e.
Ex-Marshal,
I declare on my honour that you were of the greatest
possible service to me during the war of 1871-72. Germany owes
you a debt of gratitude that she is neither able nor willing to repay.
Accept, &c.,
P. B-K.
To M. G-a, late a Member of “ the Provisional Government.”
Dictator oe the Past and the Future,
I have much pleasure in informing you that I consider your
flights of eloquence are only to be equalled by your travels in a
balloon.
Believe me, I watch your career with the most patriotic interest.
Should your ambitious schemes be gratified, a great future awaits
you—and Germany!
Accept, &c.,
P. B-K.
To the M-s H-1 de R-T.
Citizen Marquis,
I thank you heartily for the services you rendered me
during the second siege of Paris. I consider your great idea, the
Commune, has secured for France and Germany a peace that may
be expected to last for many years.
Should you ever meet T-u (was not that the name of the
General who held Paris against me in 1870-71 ?), give him my
warmest thanks.
Accept, &c.,
P. B-K.
To the M-L P-T S-o.
M. le President,
Believe me, I have received the news of the note you have
caused to be presented to the French Government with feelings of
the liveliest interest. 1 can assure you that the step you have
taken has filled my mind with admiration and amazement. I can
hardly imagine that your courteous conduct can be misunderstood
in Paris; should, however, France be sufficiently unprincipled to
feel annoyed, I. shall consider it my duty to give you any little sup-
port it may be in my power to afford you. I may add that prepara-
tions have recently been made to call out the whole of the Reserve.
Accept, &c.,
P. B-K.
To H—S M-Y THE K-U OF D-K.
Sire,
Far be it from one so powerless and humble as myself to
offer a suggestion to a Potentate so renowned for gigantic resources
as your Majesty, still I have the honour to observe that it may be
to your Majesty’s interest to join the German Bund within the next
four-and-twenty hours.
Your Obedient Slave,
P. B-K.
To H—S I-L M-Y THE C---R OF R-A.
Sire,
As your Majesty may possibly be aware, forgetfulness is
not one of my failings. Your Majesty has been good, enough to
thwart my policy in Spain, Denmark, and Brussels. I trust I shall
soon have an opportunity of repaying your Majesty the debt I owe
to you, not only in part, but in full.
Accept, Sire,
The assurance of my most respectful consideration,
_ P. B-K.
TOURISTS’ TROUBLES.
[Being useful hints, at the close of the present season, for the Intend-
ing Tourist, and valuable decisions for the Undecided.)
Troubles—and pleasures. But the Tourist must begin with the
troubles. Supposing him to have settled where he is going, and to
have discovered that the Neuchatel in Switzerland is not the Neuf-
chatel in France, and that he has made up his mind to visit the
former, he cannot do better than pack up and go, before some one
suggests another tour.
As to his route, what will fix him for once and ever is to go to
Cook, the veritable descendant of the great Captain Cook, who
“personally conducted himself” (and, I believe, properly conducted
himself) all round the world. Cook will give him a tour de force,
will serve him with a menu, in the shape of a certain “circular”
way, from which, having once paid his money, the economical
voyageur will not care to deviate.
Cook, of the cordon bleu, makes up your mind for you, and, even
if you take his hotel coupons, directs you where to lodge, dine, and
breakfast en route. An excellent system for undecided people, or
for those whose acquaintance with any language beyond English is
limited. But “ hotel coupons ” will probably only hamper the travel-
ler, who has fixed notions about hotels, and who, on quitting his own
country for a holiday, wishes for an entire change of surroundings.
The Independent Traveller will carefully avoid all places where
“English spoken” is announced as a recommendation, and will give
a wide berth to all foreign hotels whose advertisement informs him
that “ The Proprietor does his best to provide his guests ivith all
home comforts.” “ Home comforts ” mean, generally, roast beef—
not the roast beef of Old England and O the Old English roast
beef—and plum-pudding for dinner, with the additional rarity of a
Cheshire cheese. These will have been preceded by a vermicelli
soup, and fried soles. Now the heartiest’English bagman who drives
from place to place couldn’t wish for any better sounding English
fare : but the bagman wouldn’t stand it, if he could help it, in
France. But he can’t help it, it is helped for him, Monsieur le
commis-voyageur finds the table d'hote, or, as he would prefer to call
it, “ the ordinary,” provided for him, and he takes it humbly,
imagining it to be French, but retaining his own private opinion
that “ they do these things much better in England.”
The Cook system, so admirably adapted to so many who would
otherwise have stopped at home (and would to Heaven they had !) has
within a certain radius assisted to lower-middle-class-Englishise the
Continent. I invent this compound verb advisedly, because English
society is not divided by a hard and fast line into two sets ; but there
exists a sort of public-school system, which puts Royalty in the sixth
form, and then goes gradually down the ladder, beginning with titles.
The enormous Middle Class is a sort of “remove,” only with as
many divisions as are in the fifth form, and under the Lower-Middle
come those who haven’t yet mastered the difficulties of the letter
“h.” They leave’ome to go via Boolong to Parree, stopping for
lunch at Haymiens hong rout. If very bold, they go into a cafe
and say, “ Here ! hi ! Give us some Bass’s Beer,” but for the most
part their merriment is confined to the interior of their railway
carriage, occasionally breaking out on the platform of a station,
where they laugh among themselves at a military-looking official in
uniform, albeit they are genuinely overawed by his cocked hat, and
uncertain as to what he might do with his sword if he had a fancy
for suddenly using it. They are also rather frightened of the glib
and rapid French Waiter. That is, if they ever happen to put them-
selves in the way of being served by one, which is rare, as they cling
with desperation to their second-rate hotel, where English is spoken,
where they are understood and can understand, and whence they
can make excursions on the regular beaten tracks of a great city..
It is evident, as I have already said, that the decided Tourist ,
determined upon a real holiday, does not want to keep in the same
company from first to last; and yet, if he is a Cookist, he cannot,
unless he temporarily sacrifice his hotel coupons, detach himself'