Punch (70.1876)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAPtlTABL [January 29, 1876.

GUARD!

'"Phe following communica-
tions, headed '' The Brigade
of Guards," and apparently
intended for the columns
of a respected contem-
porary, have recently found
their way into Mr. Punch1 s
Letter Box:—

January 22, 1876.

Sir,

I am proud to say
I belong to the old school,
and hate your new-fangled
notions about humanity,
kindness, and the rest of
it. Why should not the
Guards take their '' Sentry
go" with the rest of the
Service ? The Duke, Sir,
would never have permitted
men to shirk their duty.
By degrees we are losing
everything. Stocks, and
the fine old regulation
knapsack; are already
things of the past, and,
doubtless, before my name
is erased from the Army
List, the chaco (spell it that
way, Sir, vide the Queen's
Regulations) will also have
ceased to exist.

~J'Remember, Sir, that Soldiers are not Boarding-School Misses.
They should be tough and hardy, and ready to go anywhere and
everywhere at a moment's notice. Night sentry duty, indeed! Why
not ? Remember Waterloo and the Peninsula. Take my advice,
Sir. Give the Guards lots of night sentry work. Yes, and let 'em
do it without their great coats.

Ycu may ask me if I have ever done anything of the sort myself.
The question is impertinent, but I answer you. No, Sir, I have not.
I am a General Officer, Sir, and have spent the greater part of my
life at Bath and Cheltenham. There, Sir!

Yours, indignantly,

The Pump Room. Retired Half-Pat.

gj-g January 22, 1S76.

In these days of progress we cannot pay any attention to
the old-fashioned traditions of the past. Of course, I know that
history (a subject I had to take up many, manv months ago) records
the glorious doings of our Army when it was ill fed, ill clothed, and
(from an educational point of view) badly officered. But then our
victories were won when an ensign scarcely knew the difference
between an angle and an angel. In my opinion, night sentry
duty is utterly useless. Were the sentry-boxes fitted up as studies,
or lavatories, the case would be different. If a Private could devote
a few hours of the night to reading chemistry, and the higher
branches of mathematics, I would be the very last man in the
world to say him nay; but merely to march up and down a beaten
path without purpose and vaguely is quite repugnant to common
sense. I am well aware that the General Officer commanding the
district in which my regiment is stationed disagrees with my con-
clusions ; but then, although his experience may be somewhat larger
than mine, I do not think he could compete with me, with any
prospect of success, in an examination carried on with a view to
testing our respective knowledge of Hebrew, Greek, and modern
languages.

I may say, I have devoted a considerable portion of my life to an
analysis of this important question. I—but here I am obliged to
break off, as the Adjutant has just conveyed to me the commands of
my Colonel to immediately present myself in the barrack square for
the purpose of acquiring some knowledge of a rather difficult
military manoeuvre. I allude to the exercise called, in civilian
circles, "the Goose Step."

I have the honour to be, Sir,

Yours, very faithfully,
Mudborough Barracks A Sub-Lieutenant.

and the New Junior University Club.

gj-g . January 22, 1876.

I am quite afraid to write to you! And I would not see
my name in the papers for worlds ! But, then, I do so like the
Officers that I cannot help feeling some sympathy for the Men. I
know I am very silly, but I do think that night sentry duty is

ivrong. Of course, in the day time, there should be Soldiers at the
gates of Marlborough House to salute the Prince and the dear
Princess, and the darling Royal Children. If there were not, how
could they turn out the Guard, or whatever it is, when a Royal
carriage passes ? But at night no one can see the sentries, and they
are therefore useless—now are they not? I am sure the dear
Princess can care very little for all this State on her return from a
ball or the opera. I know I don't care a bit for the coachmau's
touch of the hat when Jget out of the carriage at two o'clock in the
morning. Of course the Guard being turned out is much nicer and
grander, but, then, what is the use of it if you can't see it ?

I think, unless the sentries can be lighted up with the lime-light,
or something of that sort, at night, they ought to be discontinued.
Don't you ?

Yours, very sincerely,
South Kensington. A Young Lady.

gin January 22, 1876.

Night sentry duty is a decided mistake. It makes our men
discontented, and sends them into the hospital. Give them three
extra meals of meat a day, and let them have one hundred and
fifteen extra reading-rooms, and the Brigade will never be at a loss
for recruits.

I have the honour to be, Sir, yours obediently,
Army and Navy Club. Ax Ex-Guards' Surgeon.

gIE) January 22, 1876.

Night sentry duty is an excellent thing. It makes our men
heroes, and is an admirable remedy for coughs and colds. Give
them rather less food and close the exercise-destroying reading-
rooms, and the Brigade will never be at a loss for recruits.

I have the honour to be, Sir,
Yours, obediently,
Army and Nary Club. Late a Surgeon in the Guards.

gIE January 22, 1876.

The whole Brigade of Guards consists of 875 men. Out of
these 875 men, no less than 17,643 are constantly in hospital, on
account of night sentry duty. Surely, these figures speak for them-
selves ! Yours, accurately,
Hackney. A Great Army Reformer.

gIR January 22, 1876.

Night sentry duty is, undoubtedly, bad for the Guards.
The men are deprived of their beds three nights out of six. In the
Line one guard night in seven is the usual average. Besides this,
London, Windsor, and Dublin life has its temptations. Might not
a Line Regiment occasionally relieve the Guards ? Out of the
season, for instance, why should not the Highlanders come to Town,
and thus permit the Bearskins.to have a glimpse of Bonnie Scotland r

Yours, authoritatively,
London and Elsewhere. Common Sense.

ACTOBS AT HOME.

A Correspondent 'at Florence has lately favoured a London
journal with details of Saxvtni's domestic life. This will render
the following facts all the more interesting :—

Mr. Phelps, the veteran exponent of so many grand Shakspearian
characters, it is not generally known, has apartments at the top of
the Lambeth Shot Tower. He lives here in comparative loneliness,
with fifteen grandchildren, to whom he gives lessons in elocution
during six hours of the day. In his ordinary conversation his
utterance is very rapid, and delivered in a shrill counter-tenor,
which has a peculiar effect on those who hear him in private for the
first time. It has been kept secret for a long time, but we believe
we are not indiscreet in making it public that this tragedian likes
nothing so well as athletic sports ; and indeed, when not otherwise
engaged at Christmas time, he appears as the Boneless Wonder at
a popular Circus. He has two performing Poodles which he is going
to introduce very soon to a London audience, and which it is expected
will be the rage next Season.

Mr. Charles Mathews, the genial light comedian of this and
last century, is popularly supposed to be in Calcutta. It really is
his grandson who is now performing in India, but the resemblance
is so striking as to deceive his most intimate admirers. Mr.
Mathews himself is now at Twickenham, where he may be seen any
morning sculling between Maidenhead and Oxford. His constitu-
tional "pipe-opener" over, he retires to his study, where he is
correcting proofs of an annotated edition of Plato's Dialogues, with
an interlinear translation into Sanskrit. At the same time his love
for the footlights will not allow him to remain at nights away from
the Stage. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday he takes
Mr. George Conquest's place in the Crab at the Grecian Theatre.

Mr. Sothern, the inextinguishable Lord Dundreary, has home