Punch (70.1876)

March 25, 1876.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

107

SACRILEGE.

Parish-ClcrJcs Wife. "Let you into the Church, to dravfa Interior!
I du'stn't do it, Miss. There was a Party there last Year, and do you

KNOW they left A 'ORRID DlSSENTIN' TrAC' IN the EECTOR's pew ! EVER
SINCE that it's AGAINST ORDERS ! "

OUR COUPLE OF CRAZES.

Tiie thoughtful Sage, who notes a " rage "

Prevailing 'mongst his kind,
With calm amaze regards the craze

Which rules the People's mind.
On a single fad the world run mad

'Tis no new thing to see ;
But now 'tis insane upon fancies twain—■

The Rink and the Spelling Bee.

Like droves and herds, and flocks of birds,

Like oxen, sheep, and swine,
And rooks and daws, whom an instinct draws

Together, how folks combine,
With one consent on a purpose bent,

For no reason the wise can see,
With a common crush as in crowds they rush

To the Rink and the Spelling Bee !

The human swarm will sometimes form

Intent on perilous ends ;
But if spelling and skates have turned your pates,

That is all the harm, dear friends.
You indulge no vice on the mimic ice,

Or in mild orthographic,
Free from all such blames are the popular games

Of the Rink and the Spelling Bee.

Our William's Last.

Fancy what the Farmers will say to Mr. Gladstone's
late declaration that he derived more lively and unmixed
satisfaction " from the increase of the agricultural
labourer's wages "than from "any of the economical
changes he had lived to witness!" "Increase o'
labourer's wiges ! Yah! Call that there a economical
change ? Purty economy for we Farmers ! There be'n't
many as 'ood practus the 'conomy o' spendun moor money
nor they could help. What's the differ'nce, at that
rate, 'tween economy and ixtravagance ? " In these, or
similar observations, it may be feared that too many
agricultural gentlemen will criticise the epithet applied
in its philosophical sense by William to increase of
wages.

Advice to Aspirants.—If you go in for"a Spelling Bee,
and are brought down at the first shot, mind not to be
waspish.

CLUBS ALE THUMPS.

New Clubs are rising almost as rapidly as Rinks and faster than
mushrooms. _ An unsophisticated provincial may perhaps wonder
what denomination of mankind remains to be catered for. Mr. Punch
can answer his mute amazement with the following list of proposed
new Clubs:—

" The Janus." Political. For unsuccessful Candidates in Parlia-
mentary Elections, who are not quite decided as to what line they
may adopt when they next offer themselves to the Nation.

• The Brillantine." Social. For the younger members of the
highest Society, who find their partings not accurately defined at
Truefitt's or Douglas's. A staff of German shavers "and French
hairdressers are engaged.

"The Wag and Lavish." Military. For those Gentlemen who,
having strong military tastes, are, from failure in obtaining com-
missions in the Army, ineligible for election at the Army and Navy,
Junior ditto, United Service, Junior idem, Naval and Military!
Horse and Foot, Star and Garter, and other Clubs. No Servant of
this Club will address any Member otherwise than " Captain."

"The Tarbrush"—or Consolation Club. For Gentlemen who
have been blackballed at all other Clubs. Five blackballs insure
admittance.

"The Ham-and-Eggs." Festive. Many Gentlemen having
complained that in no London Club can they get a decent early
breakfast after leaving the Hyde Green whist-table at six o'clock
in the morning, this Club will be considered positively a sine qua
noh for men about Town, and breakfasts, at a moment's notice
may be obtained here between 5 and 10 a.m. during the Season.

"The Worms." Ditto. A Club which has long been wanted.
Where early birds, turned out of other Clubs by their absurd rules
and regulations, may find a snack and a pack of cards after 4 a.m.

' The Subterrene Pavement." A Reform Club. Only Gentlemen
are eligible who have sworn off whist and ecarte, and have made vows

to drink nothing stronger than gingerbeer. Spillikins the only
game allowed in the Club. Tea at any hour up till twelve at night.

"The Alexandrine." Select. It has long been a subject of
astonishment in literary circles that no Club has been started to
meet the requirements of Poets—a class now increasing every day.
This Club is opened to benefit the numerous disciples of Parnassus
who may not find their sesthetical tastes appreciated by Club men of
other denominations. A Listener of long standing and great judg-
ment will be kept on the establishment. Members may introduce
Publishers as visitors at all hours. Hair-brushes not allowed.

" The Sable Stockings." This Club has been got up by several
Gentlemen who have found it expedient to retire from the Hyde
Green, Bezique, Brag, and other card-playing reunions. Members
are allowed to bring their own packs of cards.

Other Clubhouses too numerous to mention are in course of
eon- and obstruction, with power to add to their number.

Two Birds with. One Stone.

Mr. Punch,

Sir,—I'd like to know why we 're having all this bothera-
tion about the addition to the Royal Title ? Sure Her Majesty
(long life to her!)'can do what she plases. It is not as if there
wasn't a new style convenient, and one that would flatther more
than the Indies.

See here, Sir. Don't we all know the Emerald Isle is the fines*
jool in the British Crown, and why wouldn't the Queen be ownin'
it ? Sure, thin, isn't here an iligant title which would be aiqually
nate and appropriate for Ireland as for India—and that's the Paddy
Shah ?

Should the Royal Titles Bill pass its Third Reading in the
Commons, Lord Browne and Ora^more might take the matter in
hand, when the Act reaches the Upper House.

Allow me, Sir, to sign myself ^ Pat and a Patriot.

vol. lxx.