Punch (70.1876)

LONDON CHARIVARI. H9

PUNCH'S PICTORIAL PATENTS.

Patent Front-and-Back-Fall Buffer (for Beginners).

PRESIDENT CINCINNATI^.

" The Senate have passed a resolution reducing the President's
allowance from.50,000 to 25,000 dollars."

Our Transatlantic cousins trying

To meet the last cry from the Gallery,
Go in an honest head for buying

At half the present scale of salary.
Almighty Dollar's slaves essay—

The notion strikes us here as comic—
To halve their President's poor pay,

And so prove clean hands economic.

Alas! there will be no more fun—

Hops, Germans, champagne lunches, dinners—
At the White House in Washington

For hungry saints or thirsty sinners.
Your public life alas! breeds dirt,

Your public organs throw it gaily ;
And now the Presidential shirt

Will hardly pay for washing daily.

What is five thousand pounds a year ?

'Tis just an English Bishop's income.
While, in the President's starved ear,

The dollars melt from hands that clink 'em !
Roumanian Boyar, Russian Prince,

Outspent in rear of Shoddy tarries :
And English Dukes with envy wince

While Shoddy pays them down in Paris.

Emperors and Kings are much too dear ;

A President may well come cheaper :
But why give anything a year

To your exalted office-keeper ?
Put up the place to auction, friends,

Choose who bids highest—when you've made him,
Wait till his term of office ends.

And, guess, you '11 find, somehow, it's paid him.

A Fruitless Visit.

Mrs. Malaprop! has suffered a great disappointment.
Hearing of " the fall in the price of silver," she thought
it was a favourable opportunity to buy what she had
long wanted— a few additional forks and spoons. Her
expectations of a great bargain were rudely dashed to
the ground when she reached the silversmith's shop.

AN OXEORD MIXTURE.

The folio wing letters have been received at 85, Fleet'Street, during
the past week, on the subject of the Oxford University Bill, now be-
fore the House of Lords. In these days, when public opinion is so
powerful, all useful hints should be of service to Commissioners,
both of the present and the future. This being the case, Mn
Punch has no hesitation in publishing the communications of his
correspondents for that unknown quantity—what they are worth :—

(Letter I. Postmark, "London, W")
Dearest Mr. Punch,

You have always been the best friend of the Ladies—always
—and I do so want you to help us now. You are so good and so
clever and so amiable that I am sure you will if you can, and you
know—you satirical, nice important creature—you know you can do
anything if you please. A single line in your truly amusing paper
will have (as Papa calls it) " the desired effect." You know it will,
now don't you ?

After reading the first column of the Times the other morning, I
turned to the other pages (as I always do, to see if there is any news
of the dear Prince), and, quite by accident, I came upon a long ac-
count of a meeting of a Convocation at Oxford, headed " Lord Salis-
bury's Bill." As my brother John is at Oxford, of course I devoured
the article with the most awful relish. I couldn't quite understand
it, but Papa tells me that it is proposed to alter the way of spending
the money belonging to the Colleges—the endowments or something
—you know what I mean. I hope you won't consider me a very silly
goose if I suggest something en passant. I suppose the old Gentle-
men have been too extravagant in their tailor's bills—I know at
Commemoration some of the gowns were quite too gorgeous ! Now
for my suggestion.

Don't you remember there was a great fuss a short time ago about
the expenses of Commemoration. I recollect a lot of letters in the
papers saying .that the young men could not really afford (poor
fellows) to entertain their sisters and cousins in proper style. One

icretch wanted Commemoration to be abolished! Now this would
be simply too awfully miserable ; it would be really wicked! Com-
memoration is too nice, it is indeed.

Why shouldn't some of the funds, dearest Mr. Punch, be devoted
to paying for the Balls, Pic-nics, Garden Parties, and Flower Shows ?
If the Heads of Colleges (is that the right name for them r) objected,
they might be wheedled into saying "Yes," by receiving a lot of
cards of invitation to everything—of course on condition that they
only asked nice young Men and unmarried Ladies at least over
forty.

Do, do get this done for us, dearest Mr. Punch, and merit the
eternal gratitude of yours most sincerely,

A Little Girl.

P.S.—I must introduce you to Jack. I am sure he would be
delighted to put you up for the week, and his breakfasts are really
quite too lovely.

(Letter II. Postmark, " City Poad")

Mr. Punch,

Sir,—I am not a Member of Oxford College, but I have
written ten five-act pieces that a jealous clique of theatrical Mana-
gers (in London and the provinces) have kept off the boards once
trod by that far-famed gentleman sometimes called the famous
" Swan of Avon."

Sir, " if there is any justice in the land of the brave and the free ;
if there is still a sun keeping watch over the busy world by dajr as
the silvery moon does by night, like a hawk searching for his first
meal—the early worm of daybreak " (pardon me for quoting from my
own works), let some of the bloated funds of the luxurious College
of Oxford be expended in assisting

Your obedient Servant,

A Gentus not yet Recognised.

(Letter III. Postmark, " Alder shot")

Sir,—After careful consideration I have come to the conclusion
that an Oxford education is scarcely the sort of thing to suit a man

vol. lxx.

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