Punch (70.1876)

February 5, 1876.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 31

OUR REPRESENTATIVE" IN INDIA.

> route —
ahore—Most
particulars—
Intimc—Pros-

My Very Dear Sir,
You did not get

a letter from me last week because the weather was so dreadfully bad there
was nothing doing, at least worth mentioning. The Golden Umbrella was of
no more use against those severe falls in Downpore than a parasol under Niagara.
Fortunately we were well entertained by the Rajah of Indore, and so did not
care about going out.

We had the Punjabbcrs (native jesters) in for an hour or two, and then sat
down to a Spelling Bee. I gave 'em a word which floored them all: it was
" Wasp." The D—e of S-th-rl-d borrowed a pocket dictionary from the
Assistant-Secretarv, who was just on the point of handing it to him, when I
called out, in excellent Hindostanee, " On skral!" and my Accomplished and
Royal Patron observed, with more severity perhaps than the occasion actually
required, that "if they coiddn't play fair, thev shouldn't play at all," which
intimation, I am glad to say, had the desired effect.

L-rd C-r-xgt-^ spelt it " Wovvs"—but he was educated at Cambridge.
L-rd B-r-s-f-rd spelt it " Warsp"—and lost two rupees by having backed
himself to win. The D-e of S-th-re-xd was very much annoyed on being
informed that " Wosp" was a mistake, though not bad phonetically; and
W. H. R-ss-ll accounted for his rendering of it as " Whops" by informing us
that this was in reality the Celtic origin of the word. Wc did not, however,
give him a second chance, and ultimately it was won by my Learned and
Exalted Companion, who, with the greatest ease, hit it off correctly the very
first time of asking. After this the children of Sir Jeejee Jepmebhoy came in
and played horses, while we sat round the room on cushions, smoking howdahs
and sipping mussalgcc (a sort of sweet liquorice-water having rather the flavour
of oysters).*

After this the children were taken off to bed by Sixgh Luleah Lexlaby, the
Ayah night-nurse, whose sole office in the establishments of the wealthiest
Hindoos is to soothe the children to sleep with a sort of dull monotonous
snake-charming melody.

Then Sir Jak Holkar—the Holkar—begged leave to introduce some lovely
Parsee Ladies, and, having received the gracious permission from my most

Polite and Amiable Companion, the " most Parsee-able
of the Parsee Ladies," as I whispered to my Exalted
Neighbour (who could scarcely keep his countenance, the
joke tickled hirn so thoroughly), were presented to us ;
then, taking their hands, the band struck up, and we

" Danced the Tolkai",
Led by the Holkaii ; "

whose height is commanding, but who can do his steps
with the grace and lightness of a Harlequin. We did
not quit the gay and brilliant scene until the majestic
moon had slowly risen in the heavens, when we sallied
forth in search of our coats, hats, and the Golden
Umbrella, which had been in the kitchen to dry.

On leaving the Rajah's hospitable mansion, there was
quite a scene between me and the faithful slaves. The
fact is that I have become so popular out here with the
way talis and oondar-strapahs generally, who know Avhat
" shelling out ru-pees" means well enough (N.B. A
Jenuin Inndian Jo-millah—Allah ! Bis-millali ! On
my nose be it! as the Mussulnien say out here), that I
can do almost anything with them, as a body. If I
wished to go in for Apotheosis (""What ho! Apotheo-
sis ! "—Suakspeare—as I said to my Weil-Read and
Noble Companion), I could do it to-morrow if I liked,
and Shiva, Squiva, Yishnu, and Vish'n-u-many-happy-
returns-of-the-day, would be nowhere among the Indian
Deities. They have already composed a hymn in my
honour, hut, to my honour be it said, I won't ha ve it at
any price. I have begged them not to do it till I am
gone. The hymn begins thus :—

" 0 fi reve ereht saw a gib pmacs ! "

But I will not continue what in your cold phleg-
matic Saxon country might be misconstrued into mere
fulsome adulation. Still, entre nous, I have deserved it,
for I 've been lavish with the coin. I have not waited
for official orders from head-quarters. No, I have been
all heart and pocket, in the interest, of course, of the
British Dynasty in India. So free-handed in this way
have I been as" to have justly gained the sobriquet of
Tiproo Sahib, i.e., the Sahib who tips. Why, my dear
friend, with a neat Durbar twisted round my head, a
Serai in my hand, and some walnut juice on my face, I
might be Imperial Shah of all the Indies any hour of
the day.*

But far from me be any even ghost or shadow of
such an idea. No! Loyally I will ever sing—

" Send her victorious !
Happy and gloiious!
Long-to-reign -o'er-i-ous!
God Save the Queen !"

But I only mention the above facts to show you what
can be done by a little attention to the wants of a
naturally loyal and trusting race.

Talking of " trusting," in consequence ,of your re-
mittances not having arrived in time, I have been com-
pelled to adopt the system known in India as that of
Tikli. This plan, Avhich, in some cases, supersedes
ready-money payments, was invented by the Nobob of
Odemphore, a celebrated Indian financier, who, with
Siiaiipur, of Swindlia—the Sharper, as_ he ^ is called
here—contributed so largely to the extensive failures of
some of the biggest houses in Calcutta. The Nobob
bolted, and the unhappy Shahper was arrested at
Aritsur—a sad spectacle of another good man gone
wrong.

Send cheque, or my name's Mister Upatree. Address
it to me under cover to my friend, the Hox. akd Rev.
Stophaji Short, the Wrccktory, Gravesend. It will
reach me quicker than if you sent it straight out here.
"Do not forget your Gabeielle ! " as the old chorus
has it.

We are all doing well. My Noble and Very Hard-
working Friend (for he does work at this pleasure, mind
you) is in first-rate health : but some of the young 'uns
in the suite caught colds after the dance, and got sore

* A Ilowdah or Hoadah is an elephant's castle, and Musxiilr/ec, which our Corre-
spondent represents himself as "sipping," is, in ow Dictionary at least, a " torch-bearer."
We are now taking steps to ascertain the veracity of our Representative in the slightest
details. We have called at the British Museum, where there is a splendid Dictionary on
view, and every information given correctly gratix, and on the same day wc had an
interview with an intelligent officer from Scotland Yard.. So much is sufficient for the
present. Still it is but fair to state that, as yet, we have no proof that our Correspondent

is not where he represents himself as being, i.e. in India.—Ed. • ' ! Still—Serai may have a double meaning.—Ed

* Durbar must be, wc fancy, a mistake in the telegraphy for
turban, as, without any reference to a Dictionary, we m England
all know by this tiipe what a Durbar is. As to the Serai in hi»
hand, we don't think he can be serai-ouz—at all events %ve can t,
as is evident by this joke—because our old Dictionary (a very
good one, by the wav) gives Serai as " a public building for the
reception of caravans," which, it is needless to say, couldn't be
held in his hand any more than Somerset House or St. Paul's.

vol. lxx.