Punch (70.1876)

February 19, 1876.]

63

CONSCIENTIOUS.

Conservative M.P. {to Butler, who lias given Warning). " "What have you to

complain of ? "

Butler. "Oh, nothing in the 'Ouse, Sir—leastways, not in this 'Ouse,
Sir. But I'm afraid, from 'er Majesty's Speech, as the Conservatives
don't mean to hact hp to their Programme" ! !

HORACE AND LTDIA ON THE RINK.
" Donee gratus eram tibi," &c.

The Lover.

Ah, Lady Lucy, I am glad to find vou
Charming as when, that happy afternoon,

Beneath a slender hireh with silver rind, you
Watched the sun sink 'mid rosy clouds of June.

The Lady.

Dear me! You do remember ? Well, how curious!

Although so many months have slipped away.
I thought your sentimental saying spurious,

And quite forgot it till this very day.

The Lover.

Yes, you forgot, I know ! I saw you rinking
With that Loraine, the fastest man in Town.

His essenced head has never done much thinking.
I felt a strong desire to knock him down.

The Lady.

Fast! Yes, he takes one's breath away in skating:
I really have not quite recovered mine.

But let me ask, while thus we are debating,
Who sent my Cousin Maud a Valentine P

The Lover.

Your Cousin Maud's a child. Come, don't be dismal.

I could not tell you if her eyes are blue.
There's something hidden in my heart abysmal,

Which I am very sure belongs to you.

The Lady.

Spelling-Bee English does not fit your lips, Sir.

Be cool to Maud : I '11 try to cut Loraine.
And if you never make another slip, Sir,

Perhaps we may look on sunset skies again.

Dearth of Army Doctors.

The papers report a grievous lack of candidates for
the commission of Medical Officer in the Army. Private
practice is lucrative to few but the most eminent Phy-
sicians and Surgeons. Anything like adequate pay and
a position on a fair footing with combatant Officers
surely might be expected to attract at least a suffi-
ciency of Army Surgeons. These attractions have yet to
be tried.

STERN TRUTHS.

Dear Mr. Punch,

Not having had an opportunity of laying my views before
the Prime Minister the other day. I send you a brief note of what
I intended to have said on behalf of myself and brother Ship-owners.

In the first place, what right has a fellow like Plimsoll to inter-
fere with me ? I wish he'd give me provocation to pull his nose, or
smash his spectacles. I've actually had four out of five ships de-
tained m consequence of his impertinent meddling. Because one
fourth of a crew of sixteen object to be drowned, are they to prevent
twelve other honest and daring fellows from risking their lives, as
British Seamen ought always to be ready to do at the call of duty.
It is perfectly monstrous !

It is true that one or two of my ships have occasionally sailed
rather deep in the water, and that one did go down not long after
leaving port. But in this case it was solely because the Captain
had foolishly forgotten to allow for the weight of the crew, who
only shipped at the. last moment—the carpenter and boatswain
being exceptionally heavy men.

Then, as for saying that Seamen are, as a rule, dissatisfied with
their ships, it is all moonshine. The Sailor's attachment to his ship
is, on the contrary, proverbial. Why, it was only the other day
a man fell overboard from one of my own ships. Did he swim
away from it ? No, he immediately endeavoured to climb on board
again, and expressed the highest satisfaction when he found him-
self once more among his messmates. Instances of this' kind are
numerous.

With regard to want of proper comfort and accommodation, all I
can say is that I don't believe there is a single bunk in all my
vessels m which the stoutest Sailor could not turn without comm*
in contact with the top planking. What do you say to that
Mr. Punch ? '

There are only two more points upon which I need trouble you ;

and they are so insignificant, that I must apologise for mentioning
them.

The frequency of casualties has been much spouted about by
Plimsoll and Co. I simply remark, "Pooh! " Do not accidents
happen on land ? Did not my own daughter tread on a piece of
orange-peel the other day, and twisted her foot, so that she could
not skate for a week ? And as to a case, lately much commented on
by a scandal-loving Press, in which one of my ships came into port
with eighteen out of twenty disabled by scurvy, if you only knew
the trouble a Captain has to get his men to take the slightest pre-
cautions, and their rooted prejudice against lime-juice and other
antiscorbutics, you would, I am sure, agree with me that the
owner' is the last person to be made responsible for what is, after
all, only a form of disease, and mysterious, like aU diseases.

Scurvy is, no doubt, an unpleasant complaint; so is the gout:
I've got a touch of'it myself now. So you see, Mr. Punch, there is
not the slightest occasion for all this agitation; and aU I can say
is, that if I am to be interfered with in my business, it will end in
my being unable to clear a living profit, and cutting the concern
altogether, at whatever cost to the country. I have only expressed
in this letter what I know to be the private views of others of my
class. •

If you want to see what a jolly, contented dog the British Seaman
really is, come and spend a week aboard my yacht, and believe me
to be,

Yours, indignantly,

A Shipowner. •

" The Ship and Turtle," Feb. 10, 1876.

american cousinhood.

A Genealogist in the Far West writes to ask what relation, if
any, is J. Timmis Ward, the late Senior Wrangler, to R. Temus
Ward, the late popular humorist ?