Punch (70.1876)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[March 11, 1876.

AURINKULAR CONFESSIONS.

{By Witnesses examined before Mr. Punch's own Royal Com-
mission.)

The Honourable Mr.
Dawdle confesses
lie thinks Rinking
rather fun than other-
wise. Does not skate
himself. Likes to
drop in, don't
you know, and
look at other fel-
lows.

Miss Aurora
Gushington does
not mind confess-
ing that she dotes
upon the Rink.
Thinks it quite
too awfully jolly.
Is not very
strong, and gets
knocked up hy
dancing. Can
skate for hours
and hours — at
least, when
Charles is with
her.
Captain'Har-

duppe (unattached) skates because it's cheap. Can't afford to hunt,
or to play rackets,.or tennis. Rinking only costs you eighteenpence
a day. Cheapest.exercise there is, and never wears one's hoots out
as one does by walking.

Lady Shortcommons confesses, with a blush, that, as the mother
offsix daughters, she looks upon the Rink as quite a heavenly insti-
tution. Girls must have amusement, or they get out of sorts, and
even out of temper. Now skating is so economical a way of taking
exercise, and quite as fashionable as riding, which is so expensive.
Besides, there are always some eligible young men now at the Rink,
and who knows but an attachment may spring up from a premedi-
tated tumble. Really, don't you know, a Rink is quite as suited for
flirtation as a ball-room ; and there's no expense incurred for bou-
quets or evening dresses.

Mr. Slowcoach confesses he objects to this new-fangled amuse-
ment. Thinks it quite un-English to go skating in summer-time.
Seems to him like Hying in the face of Nature.

Mr. Dasherton confesses he goes in for Rinking a good deal.
Has averaged five hours a day for the last six months. Doesn't care
much for the skating—in fact, considers it a bore. But likes
meeting girls one knows, you know, and having larks and chaffing
with them.

Mr. Bonesetter confesses that, professionally speaking, he much
approves of this new fashion of skating upon wheels, for it has
brought him several highly interesting cases. Asphalte is more
dangerous to tumble on than ice ; accidents, though personally
pitiable, are professionally paying.

Miss Oglewell confesses she loves Rinking. Those little ducks
of hats are so delightfully becoming, and a short skirt looks so well
when one has pretty feet and ankles. It's really, don't you know,
almost as awfully nice as valsing. Indeed, in one respect, it's
nicer, for if one feels timid one needn't be ashamed of leaning upon
somebody.

Captain Rattlecash thinks Rinking a good spec, ne has helped
to get up heaps of Rinks, and, as a promoter, of course has helped
himself to something handsome.

Mr. Spoonley confesses that he's awfully fond of Winking.
Yes, he means to say Winking. Can't pronounce his R's well.
Likes Winking better than waltzing. Comes a cwopper pwetty
often. Hasn't fallen in love yet.

Miss Doldrums confesses she thinks Rinking a sadly demoralis-
ing habit, and one likely to produce a most pernicious influence upon
the female character.

Mr. Adonis Wobbleby confesses, upon pressure, that although
he is most brilliant in a ball-room, he does not shine on wheels.
Has an uncommonly fine figure (for a fellow over forty), but rarely
shows it on the Rink for fear of looking awkward.

Miss Prettlpet confesses, with some shyness, that she delights
in skating; that is to say, when she gets some one nice to teach
her. Really, is so nervous that she dares not try alone, but can
manage pretty well, if some one holds her by the hand. When
one makes a slip, you know, he'cannot well help squeezing it. (The
last six ivords were spoken in so low a tone that the Witness icas
obliged, with great reluctance, to repeat them.)

SIR , CHARLES DILKE AND THE CORPORATIONS.

Alas, ye unreformed Municipalities,

With small venalities,
Saltash, Lostwithiel, Pevensey, and,Wareham,

This harum-scarum
Young Baronet has tried you, taking notes
From the Land's End, it seems, to John o' Groat's,
And swears your members all are greedy sinners,
Who spend the public money upon dinners.

Certes, not quite un-English this proclivity

To free festivity:
Gladstone, in tones half menace and half pity,

Has told the City
That not for banquets did our fathers build
The deep foundations of the traders' Guild :
And who can doubt that all men will be learners
From William's wise sayings to the Turners ?

So Romney, with your very grave election *

(Then gay refection),
And Brading, with your Hall for Aldermen,

Eight feet by ten,t
And Plympton Earle, that sold the portrait rare
Of great Sir Joshua, your most famous Mayor, %
Not very long the public shall you bilk :
Reform must follow on the words of Dilke.

*

' The Corporators of New Eomney sat round a tomb to elect their Mayor,
and, locking the gate of tbe Church to keep the people out, declared them-
selves a public meeting of the inhabitants."

f " At Lrading the Town Hall and the Stocks were the only outward and
visible signs of the existence of the Corporation. The Town Hall was the
smallest he ever saw, being only eight feet by ten."

X " Sir Joshua Reynolds was once Mayor of Plympton Earle, and,
not being able on one occasion to attend the Corporation dinner, he sent down
his portrait, painted by himself, to be put in his vacant place. It was after-
wards hung in the Town Hall, but, after a long period had elapsed, the
representatives of the Aldermen claimed that the portrait had not been given
to the Corporation, but to the Aldermen as private individuals. They sold it,
and it was now in the possession of Lord Eghemont, at Silvertou Park."

OUR LEYEE.

By Command, a Levee was held yesterday afternoon at 85, Fleet
Street, by H.R.H. Prince Punch (on behalf of Her Majesty).
The following Presentations were made :—

The S-lt-n, on his not paying his debts, by a Commissioner of
Bankruptcy.

The Kh-d-ve, on his selling the Suez Canal (and the purchasers f)
by a Stock Exchange Bear.

Don C-rl-s, on his happy dispatch, by the Spanish nation.

Mr. L-we, on his late heavy falls, both in Public Opinion, and on
the asphalte, by the proprietor of the-Skating Rink.

B-r-n de R-thsch-ld, on his obtaining his commission, by
Mr. L-we.

Mr. W-rd H-nt, on his naval policy, by Admiral T-rlt-n.

Mr. Gl-dst-ne, on his Syllabus, by Mr. D-sr—li.

Several Conscientious, Painstaking People, on reading the
Syllabus, by several other C. P. People.

Mr. C-ve, on his deliverance from Egypt, by the Kh-d-ve.

Sir AV-lfr-d L-ws-n, on his great success in the character of
J— M-ll-r, by Mr. alls-r B-ss.

Dr. K-n—ly, on his having mercifully held his tongue this
Session, by the Speaker.

Six other K-n—lys, on their chances of being returned to Parlia-
ment, by their father.

Mrs. Pr-dg-rs, on having ridden 1 mile 1759 yards for eighteen-
pence, by a Metropolitan Stipendiary Magistrate.

Mrs. Cr-avsh-y, on her attempts to abolish maid-servants, by the
grateful Head of a Family.

Rishmaydaykookoklarman (Spelling-Bee Directors, beware!),
on his splendid reception of the Pr-nce of W-les, by his taxed
subjects.

Mr. Irv-ng, on his Othello, by S-gn-r S-lv-ni.

Mr. T—le, on his refusing to play Macbeth, by Mr. Irv-ng.

The D-r-ct-rs of the W-stm-nst-r Aq--r—m, on their laudable
endeavours to promote the study of pisciology, by an instructed
public.

Yarious Contributors to P-nch (whose modesty will not allow of
their names being printed), on the refining, enlightening, and edify-
ing effect they produce on the world, by the aforesaid grateful
world.__ 4

Crack !—Reports of the Martini-Henry Rifle have been presented
to Parliament. The most conclusive report is the Rifle's own.