Punch (70.1876)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 127

A NEW TEST.

Aunt (in alarm). '1 Svrbly you've eaten enough, haven't you, Tommy
Tommy {in doubt). " F-f-f-feel me ! "

SOMETHING NEW.

Oh, who will stow us something new!

Too common Kinks are growing,
And Spelling Bees are, entre nous,

Too solemn and slow-going.
Against monotony rebellers,
We?re sick of Sp'illers and of spellers.

What is a Rink?—A giddy whirl

That makes a poor'girl dizzy:
~No time to question, as you twirl,

Who, what, or how much is he ?
And if one has an awkward tumble,
It's hard to smile, instead of grumble.

Lubbock proves'Bees a stupid race,.

Good but to buzz and guttle,
Our Spelling Bees thrust in one's face

Sharp stings of queries subtle :
Interrogators poor girls tasking
With questions—all but the one worth asking.

Dear Mr. Punch, do pray invent
Some new game—you 're so clever :

Of course one must be dull in Lent—
But Lent won't last for ever.

Then Lent means fast—'gainst slowness make
head;

Costume, decollete—not too naked.

Punch replyetli.

Old pleasures tire, young fancies fire,
But Punch has outlived passion :

Ladies invent, and men admire—
'Tis yours to set the fashion.

But why seek novelty ? Behold

Flirting, still new, however old!

For dress, the thin disguise let fall;

With tight skirts form-revealing,
You've reached the art of showing all

Dress makes show of concealing.
To help you dress why Punch be pressing ?
The Modistes' art is now ww-dressing.

a fear from the indian treasury.

Mai' not the new coinage of our Indian
Crown still further bring down the price of the
Rupee ?

MORAL SUASION EOE SOTS.

(An Appeal to the United Kingdom Alliance)

Why cry for vexatious laws to curtail the freedom of the Briton,
destroy the Liquor-merchant's livelihood, rob the poor man of his
beer, and in consistency the rich man of his burgundy, when you
could make people sober without any restrictive Act of Parliament ?
The way thereto has long been an open secret for any one with eyes
in his (mind's) head. Now every fool who runs may read it in a
paper just issued by the Howard Association on the '' Means of
Dimmishing Intemperance."

For this purpose, instead of trying to go the whole hog like tee-
total fanatics, the Howard Association proposes to proceed on old
" Hesiod's maxim that "the half is more than the whole; " to do
as much as will suffice, and not to fail by over-doing. Having sug-
gested certain modifications of the present licensing system, they
observe, for the instruction of Good Templars and Permissive Pro-
hibitory Allies:—

"But when all has been done that intelligent public opinion is ever
likely to sanction in the way of legal restrictions and licensing conditions, the
principal work will still be to influence the personal convictions and habits of
the people themselves as voluntary agents. And this can only be effected, as
hitherto, by Moral and Religious Operations concurrently (it is im-
portant to remark) with an increase of such necessary facilities of sobriety, as
Healthy Dwellings, Provident Habits, Innocent Recreations,
Workmen's Clubs, Educational Elevation, and a cheap and ever-ready
supply of Harmless Beverages."

Why, is not all this the revelation of a secret which everybody
must now see to be as plain as the nose on his face—how plain
soever ? Who are the sober classes pray, Sir Wilfrid Lawson ?
Just exactly those who enjoy the abovenamed advantages, all,
except Workmen's Clubs, because you Swells have Clubs of your own

the Carlton, Reform, Conservative, and such. You are the sober

classes, you, the superior classes—not always classes as sober as they
were superior. You, the comfortable and luxurious classes, blessed
especially with healthy homes, and with a cheap and ever-ready
supply of harmless beverages—champagne, claret, and numerous
other wholesome wines ; beverages dog-cheap to you who can well
afford them, and not only harmless but beneficial to you who know
better than to abuse them, and have no temptation. When the
superior classes drank port and sherry and brandy-and-water, a sot,
drunk and incapable, used to be proverbially said to be " as drunk
as a lord." Do you ever see a nobleman in the gutter now ? With
good hot coffee, as sold in the streets of Birmingham at a halfpenny
per cup (and a profit of from 12 to 15 per cent.), good ginger-beer
no dearer than bad ale, try if you cannot wean the drunken classes
from intoxicating liquors, as their betters—so called—were weaned
on light wines before them. Legislate for the drainage and ventila-
tion of those dwellings, from whose filth and squalor they fly to the
public-house. Give them—the Howard Association particularly
urges—religious training: that is to say, Christianity, not Maho-
metanism. The Turks are patterns of temperance, but of what other
virtue ? Suppose, whilst you, the United Kingdom Alliance, go on
agitating for coercive liquor laws, the preventives of Intemperance
recommended by the Howard Association are effectually tried.
Suppose by-and-by you find drunkenness, your raison d'etre, abo-
lished, your platform cut from under your legs, and your occupation
gone. How glad, no doubt, you will all of you be ; how rejoiced at
beholding national sobriety effected without the enforcement of
unwilling abstinence!

A Change of Name for Weston the Walker.—For " Payson "
read " Pace-on."

Fast Flowers.—" Mad-cap " Violets.