Punch (70.1876)

June 10, 1876.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

239

AT MADAME TUSSAUD'S.

" Oh, Uncle George ! Do they Kill them before they Stuff them?"

IMPORTANT OFFICIAL INQUIRY.

Me. Bromley-Davenport's insinuation that Sie Wilfrid Lawson Yisited the Derby last
year, and returned " somewhat dusty, Yery cheerful, and with a doll in his hat," induced
Mr. Punch to institute an inquiry as to whether the Honourable Baronet ^went to the Derby
this year. The following is an abstract of the evidence taken :—■

A_ Gentleman could almost be positive that the Honourable Baronet sat opposite to him in
a train going to Epsom, but his face was partly concealed by a newspaper, The Morning
Advertiser, which he was intently perusing. Could not swear that it was Sie Wilfrid.

A Purveyor of Refreshments said that a Gentleman answering to the description of the
Member for Carlisle called for a bottle of Champagne, and drank it all himself. He
observed it was a great shame that Champagne-bottles did not hold an imperial quart.
After he left, some one said it was Sie Wilfeid Lawson-, or Sie William Dawson : could
not be sure which.

A Gipsy Fortune-Teller said she fancied she knew the " pretty gentleman." He crossed
her hand with silver, and was very funny. She asked the first letter of his first name, and
he said " W." She then told him that if he would be serious, and there was nobody else in
the world, he might some day become a great man. This seemed to affect him greatly.
Hardly thought sixpence enough for such information. Perhaps some other pretty gentle-
man would cross her hand. She thought she saw a gent in the chair who liked to " kiss a
pretty girl in a corner." {Ordered out of the room.)

A Chemist of Epsom gave evidence that a Gentleman came into his shop on the after-
noon of the Derby Day, and asked for something to cure the "hiccups," which he said
were the result of imprudently drinking some cold water. The Gentleman could stand
quite steady by holding on to a chair. Thought it might have been the Honourable Baronet,
because he fancied, while he was mixing the draught, he heard something like " Wilfeid,
my boy {hie), this is very (hie) bad form."

A Hansom-Cab Driver deposed to having driven a 'Gentleman answering the description
from Epsom, and on arriving in town he was told to drive to the House of Commons. The
House was closed, and the Gentleman, who seemed pretty comfortable, said, " Of course,
yes ; I forgot. Never mind; better luck next year." He was discharged at West-
minster Hall. The next day he found a pocket corkscrew, with the initials " W. L.,"
in his cab.

Finally, a person gave evidence that the Honourable Baronet, or some one very like him,

wound up his watch in St. James's Park
the next day after the race, and set it by
the Horse Guards' clock.

Mr. Punch does not consider the above
evidence sufficient for him to come to a
decision upon, but must ask the public to
form their own conclusions on this most im-
portant matter.

PROPERTY AND COMMONS.

Never mind scenery,
Foliage and greenery.
Plants with machinery

liaise in their lieu.
All but utility
Deem imbecility,
Dotage, anility,

Scorn and eschew.

Commons, what use on 'em,
Save to the goose on 'em ?
Cattle run loose on 'em,

Vagrants abound.
Village brats play on 'em,
Jackasses bray on 'em,
Going astray on 'em,

Clapped in the Pound.

Sweep gorse and heather, all,
Off them together, all,
Break them up, whether all

Good land, or no.
Build over wild and waste ;
Once flowery paths effaced,
With smart new streets replaced,

Terrace and row.

Our Regulation Bill,

Scarce Conservation Bill—
—Slight Limitation Bill,

E'en let it pass,
And not at least impede,
If not enclosure speed,
Soon may no Common feed

Or goose, or ass.

Not common lands would we
Keep, as Conservers, free,
But claims of Property

'Gainst them uphold.
Let sentimental swains
Weep for their silent plains,
Lone glades, and glens, and lanes,

Woodland and wold.

Let the tall chimneys rise,
Let them begrime the skies,
While they regale our eyes.

Old England may
Grow, as her face they blur,
So bards and fools aver,
Richer and uglier

Every day.

Nothing Like Lucidity.

The subjoined piece of excellent advice
is extracted from the Belfast Newsletter
of May 25 :—

" Bottled Clarets of 1874 Vintage.—This
Vintage is so superior it is worthy the attention
of all largo consumers. Any gentleman buying
now and laying past him will find he has a Wine
that could not be purchased a year hence except
at nearly two-thirds of what he can do so now.
Be careful in buying nothing only classed Vintage
Wines."

MRS. MALArROP ON FISH CTJLTtTRE.

Mrs. MALArROP presents her compli-
ments to Mr. Frank Btxceland, and begs
to know if any of the big sea-monsters in
his Fish Museum have been captured by
the claws of the Habeas Porpoise Act.