Punch (74.1878)

234 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 25, 1878.

AN ALTERNATIVE.

{Time, 9 p.m.)

" Chablep, Love, Lady Lidbttry is at Home to-night, and Mrs. Gelasma has a Concert, and there's the Dctcbess of
Ipswich's Dance. Now, are we going to these Places, or not ? For if we are, it is Time for me to go and Dress ;
and if we are not, it is Time for mb to tot a Mustard-Plaster on my Chest, some Flannel round My Throat, and go

straight off to bed ! "

HOW IT HAPPENED.

Scene—A Council Chamber. Date—Some time on or after the
1st of April last. The Prime Minister discovered drawing
fancy short cuts from India on a pad of official blotting-paper.
Other Members of the Cabinet brushing their hats in the act of
departure.

The Prime Minister {closing his reverie). Seven thousand, or
seventy thousand ! or, for the matter of that, seven hundred thou-
sand! Capital! {Rises.) There I That's settled. There's nothing
else, I think ?

New Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs. Nothing but this.
{Hands a Rhyming Dictionary to the late Secretary of State for
War.) I shan't want it for the European work, you know. But
you '11 find it very useful with Lytton. And if you '11 take my
advice, you will not stifle the instincts of higher imagination.
Remember the Hexameter Imperial is the key-note to an Indian
despatch, Eh, my Lord ?

The Prime Minister. It is the metre in which our policy is
penned.

The late Secretary of State for War. Thanks very much. I '11
look at it when I get home. {Puts it into his pocket.) I don't think
there's anything else to tell Stanley ?

The Prime Minister. Nothing. The regiments are fixed: the
new blue trousers of, I trust, a showy material and effective cut, are
in hand; while as to the ships-?

First Lord of the Admiralty. They are provided, my Lord, and
stored, to the last scuttle of coals.

The Prime Minister. Good. (With enthusiasm.) This is a great,
a momentous move, Gentlemen. We separate under splendid
auspices!

All {responsively.) We do ! We do!

[They cheer, and re-brush their hats.

The Prime Minister, Then, au revoir ! {The rest of the Cabinet
hurry off. He reverts to the blotting-paper.) Seven hundred
thousand ! A few strokes more or less with a little pen, and we can
wake this Empire up in all its Titan strength, with remoulded
shape and swarthier limb bid it astound the wondering world,
and then, if the Commons should kick-

Pe-enter the Chancellor of the Exchequer, hurriedly.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer. Beg your pardon for interrupt-
ing you ; but do you know, talking of this Indian move, what with
all this chopping and changing, and confusion, we've somehow
quite forgotten-

The Prime Minister. What ? Not to order the Ghoorka Regi-
ments' new facings ?

The Chancellor of the Exchequer. No;—to mention it in the
Estimates !

The Prime Minister, Is that all ?

The Chancellor of the Exchequer, That's all!
[They indulge in a burst of thoroughly hearty laughter as the
curtain falls.

The Oxford Election.

The Tories cry, " 'Twere fatal Smith to choose ;
Brains are so dang'rous without sound Church views; "
But no suspicion in their mind remains
Sound Church views may be dangerous without brains.

making a night of it.

What can be more foolish than to remain dancing from ten or
eleven at night until three or four in the morning 'i Staying up
talking and listening to talk from four one afternoon till twenty-
five minutes past ten next morning.