Punch (77.1879)

August 16, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 65

I was grieved as I marked how, through pitiless rain,
He went wandering on all that day;
And I thought, if I happened to meet him again,
I would ask for what sin he endured all this pain,
And the reason he roved on the brink of the main
While his wife and his babes were astray.

For this trait

Seemed a strange sort of thing to display.

So I asked that weird man if he 'd give me the tip

Why he wandered on thus through the pour;

And he eyed me with scorn, while a grin curled his lip,

As he answered, " This here is a cheap Pleasure Trip :

Seven hours by the sea, and a blow and a dip,

And a walk by the bootiful shore ! "—

Then he swore!
For he'd got all he'd paid for—and more.

HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON.

{Being a Dickens of a Dickshunary for the use of Visitors to the

Metropolis.)

BOROUGH (THE) .-Chiefly celebrated for its Welsh Rabbits. A
good deal of sport here for Londoners.

BOTANIC SOCIETY'S GARDENS.—Celebrated for its "Flower
Shows," which, being invariably held on wet days, are hence called
'' Shower Flows." The Fellows make a fine income out of the Gardens,
their shares being worth scent per scent. " Tickets of Leaf" are
given to subscribers and Fellows : conditions of entrance for strangers
are that you can't come in without somebody's leaf.

BOXING.—A custom in the Metropolis on the 26th of December,
when it is just as well to be out of London. The police never inter-
fere. The ceremony of Boxing the Compass, performed by the Man
at the Wheel, at the Docks, is usually performed on this day. Box
Hill, out of London, is where Box met Cox for the first time after a
lengthened separation, and acknowledged one another as long lost
brothers, without a strawberry mark on the left arm. Here, at a neat
little inn, much frequented by Londoners, who are driven down on the
Box Hill coach, paying extra for the Box seat—in commemoration of
this historical event everything is done to remind you of the cele-
brated brothers—the poultry-yard is hedged round with box, so that
box and cocks may be associated ; while the German beer is measured
in German quantities, and tapped from barrels by turning cocks,
thus again, associating Bocks and Cocks. However, this is not
strictly speaking in London; so let us return.

BRITISH MUSEUM.—A capital place to go into when it rains.
Everything here is of British manufacture, no matter what label it
may bear : hence the name. There is a fine collection of umbrellas
in the hall, and, if you are very careful, you may leave with some
little memento of your visit. The Museum is devoted entirely to the
amusement of the public. In the Reading-Room there are about
100,000 volumes always on hand, and you are allowed one every
five minutes. You can borrow a pencil, and make notes on the
margin of every book, or write your name inside, with " Presented
to " before it, and " by the British Museum " after it, and then you
can take it with you. You can insist on the attendants taking
ladders and reaching you down any book you may wish to see from

the highest shelves. For a small gratuity to the poor-box you can
secure the entire attention of a clerk during your stay in the
Museum, who will light candles to illuminate manuscripts, wind up
the Megatherium, which plays several tunes, and show you the
Great Seals, quite tame, and, when you require relaxation, he will
play with you at Elgin Marbles, giving you first knuckle down and
fifteen out of forty. Do not leave without reading in the Assyrian
Gallery Lan early number of the Daily Telegraph, containing a
graphic and interesting account j of the Creation, written on the
spot by their Own Correspondent, probably Mr. Geo. Augustus
Sala. Get your attendant to give you some of the most amusing
stories in the Witt Collection, and do not omit to visit the statue
of Joe Miller, about which you may remember there was so
much excitement, that the question "Shall Joe Miller have a
statue?" became of political significance. Walk into the Ethno*:
graphical Department, and see every god who has had his day; i Don't
be disrespectful, however. Remember the conduct of the man who!
took off his hat to a broken-nosed statue of Jupiter, on the plea that
though "rather in the shade now, yet he might come into power
again." Vive Henri Cinq! Henri sank, but Henri may rise;
Notice up on the Coin and Medal Room, "Please not to Medal
with the Coins." Go in the spirit of inquiry, and in every depart-
ment get hold of the attendant in charge, and keep on asking him,
" I say, look here, what's this?1' If he can't tell you, complain
of him to the Governor of the Museum, who will punish him by
giving him so many pages of the Catalogue to learn by heart every
night, and repeat without book before breakfast every morning, for
three months.

You may only joke with the attendants in the Witt Collection.
Here they are accustomed to being dug in the ribs and slapped on the
back. They show here several cases of fine-pointed jokes, cutting
remarks, Sydney Smith's patent Scotch incisor, and a new hand-
machine for turning a conversation. On Sunday, admission can be
obtained over the railings, care having been taken the previous day
to procure a few of the duplicate keys. Follow out this advice, and
no matter where you come from, or where you want to go to, you '11
soon find the nearest station.

BROMPTON.—'' Stands Brompton where it did ? » Certainly not.
It has almost entirely disappeared. The tradition of its Oratory—
the Brompton Oratory—will long survive as an evidence of the pecu-
liar oratorical talents of its members. In the garden of the Oratory
the inhabitants still cultivate the Flowers of Rhetoric.

BROOKS'S CLUB.—The Club that Brooks used is still shown at
60, St. James's Street. The Brooes in question was not our own
dear Shirley, who, skilled in fence, used a rapier—not a club, and
latterly, as Editor, was satisfied with a strong staff.

BUOKHURST HILL.—An outing, in the neighbourhood of
Epping Forest. Here is a pretty new Saturday-till-Monday sort of
hotel, recently built. When the Emperor of AIL the Russias visited
London, his question to the Lord Chamberlain was, '' Where are
we going on Sunday?" To which the Chamberlain replied, "The
Queen will give you an outing." The Czar started back, horrified.
" A knouting / " he exclaimed. " Give me a knouting ! ! " And he
would have left there and then, had not Her Majesty entered at the
moment, graciously explained the reply, and taken the Autocrat,
nolens volens, to Buckhurst Hill.

BUCKINGHAM PALACE.—Salute the sentries with your um-
brella. Say "Houp-la! Eyes right!" They'11 ask, " Who goes
there.?" You reply, "Friend!" Then wait for them to answer,
" Pass friend, and all's well! " when you at once enter the yard,
and walk straight up to the Palace. On State occasions a uniform
is necessary, and the Oueen, as Victoria the First, receives in State.
On ordinary days, however, only morning dress and a "top hat"
are de rigueur, and you simply send in your card by the under-butler,
to inquire if "Mrs. Guelph is at home." Nothing more; as this
is taking them as they are—en famille. On Sunday you must be
able to prove yourself a bond fide traveller before admittance is
granted. There is no charge for admission, and the quotation from
Shakspeare, " So much for Buckingham Palace! " is either a
forgery or a proof of his ignorance.

On State days the hereditary costumes from Madame Tussaud's
are all brought in carriages, with some of the figures to fill up the
groups gracefully, and a deposit is left at Baker Street as security.
After the Drawing-Room is over, they are duly returned before eight
o'clock in the evening, the great Officers of State having to make
good any damage done to the figures. The grounds of the Palace
are pretty, and altogether it is quite a place where to spend a happy
day.

BURLINGTON ARCADIA—A Western passage lying midway
between one of the frontiers of Bohemia and the border of Belgravia.
Here Burlington Arcadian shepherdesses stroll about, living by
hook and by crook. Sheep-shearing, or fleecing, is a favourite
pastime. The Arcade itself was probably built by Cardinal Wool-
sey, and presented, as a dry skittle-ground, or an Anna-Boleyn
alley, to Henry the Eighth. Admission, free—and easy.

BUSSES.—(See Conductors.)