Punch (77.1879)

72

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[August IP, 1879.

If so, don't do it again, or you '11 be condemned to be branded
and watered, and marked with a Cigar on the Wrist for the rest of
your unnatural existence.

Mr. Ikying promises a system of variety in his entertainments
next season. Short runs and more pieces. An excellent plan.
Instead of the present long runs for a thousand and one nights, let
us limit a success to one run of seventy or eighty nights, or even
a hundred, during which the next new piece is being rehearsed.
Then let the new piece have its turn, and if as successful as its
predecessor, it can fulfil its term of one hundred nights while they
are preparing some light One-Act piece, or piece de cirConstance.
Then the run of Number Two being finished, the two pieces could be
alternated, and the new one-act vaudeville, or farce, or burlesque,
played with one or the other, or both. In the meantime a new piece
should be in rehearsal. Thus the repertoire would be gradually
filled, Actors would be in constant training, Authors hard at work
to meet the demand, having, in addition to their nightly fee, an
"Author's Night" for every run and revival, as in the days of
Goldsmith. Such seems to me something of tbe rough basis of a

new plan of theatrical management—not unlike what Mr. Hollings-
head has accustomed us to at the Gaiety, and what we are promised
by Mr. Irving.

Count Bankrofe, Esq. is to have the Haymarket for the best part
of the year, and Mr. Clarke for the other best part of it. The
Bourgeois of the Asses' Bridge—free version of Les Bourgeois de
Pont Arcy—-will be produced at the Prince of Wales's, and Mr.
Hare, with Les Kendals, comes out at the St. James's, where Mr.
Santley will sing the opening chorus, set to some popular Hare.

Will there be a Ballet of Injyable Injia, by Rajah Val Prinsep,
to follow ?

The^theatres ought all to be doing well in such weather. " Who
will o'er the downs so free "—when there's a certainty of being
wet through the skin to the bone ? The partridges are all drowned,
there are no pheasants, the strawberries have got water on the brain,
and the weather, with here and there a brilliant exception, may be
described in the words of the Scotch farmer, as " Rain all day, with
show'rs between." Who'll go out of town? I will, as sure as I
am here, there, and everywhere Tour Representative.

A VOICE FROM THE WEST.

A, Measter Punch !

Our Lan'lord's a grand zort o'
man, tho' I 'zure 'e we zees little
on un;

He hes yacres mwore land i' th' North,

an' a terruble fine house in Lonun ;
Why he goos an' he taaks to th' Queen

as a mid to a zurt o' relation,
An hes letters an' peapers by scores

consarnin' th' good o' the nation ;
They do tell I, all awver th' yearth
there iddun noo pleace nor noo Yoke
But he's a gotten a vinger in pie, an'

gies 'em a cuff or a poke ;
Zo, in coorse, 'tis a natural thing that

a zet o' poor tenants like we,
Tho' we pays un his rent twice a year,

shudden often clap eyes upon he :
When me Lord has his yead a-stuck

vull o' Afganistan an' Zululand,
Th' flavior's a-zort a-tuk out o' our

bits o' pasture an' pleugh-land.
'Tis no mwore 'n a man mid expect.
Why, J've proved th' zame thing
avore now.
When I've staid late atmarket next day
nothin' hwomly 'ud relish noo how!
Th' zong zes 'tis zad vor t' dthink th'

brightest things ne'er lastes long,
But that Lan'lords should ha' t'come
down betokens sure/?/ so'thin' wrong!
There 's my neighbour, Will Cox, zes
'tis right; but he 's gotten a zort o'
twisk

Vrom readin' newspeapers an' books, which on'y puts dthings in a misk.

I do like dthings t'.be as they be, or t' be as em onst used t' wos ;

An' how I've a-got 'on zo well, I can tell 'e th' why an' becos :

I ha'n't got noo feelins nor care vor a man that's a-got 'em a fig.

Low Church or High Church, what odds ? An' th' seame atween Toory an'

r-r^Whig.

Whatsomever a Lord do wish done/th' plain duty o' we is t' do it,
An'_ ef there's a hole i' th' ballad, teake care 'at noo eye do zee droo it.
Civil'ty to yagents is chip, nout th' wore'r but th' brim o' oon's lmt,
Just by lettin such voke ha' their say a notch med be scored, min, at that.
A zort o' a law'r he mid be, an' not up to much about land.
But he's a-gotten th' ear o' me Lord, an' carries the reins in his hand ;
A tenant wi' such mun be sueut—a duck'd yead can come to noo harm.
By straight votin' an' not tellin' lies, I've al'ys bin free o' me varm.
But now there 's such care an' contrivin', such cuttin' an' countin' th' cost,
'Tis clear we can't be as we hev bin, an' th' charm o' th' country is lost!
Vor a varmer to live like a treadesman, an' work at his treade wi' his brain,
Yor a lan'lord to teake his bare rent, an' not zeek vor noo furder gain,
'Twon't suit I, that's vor sartain, an' zoo I '11 git out on't, an' dwell in a cot:
An' zoo call an' smoke a pipe wi' me, Measter Punch, if ye come near theaus
sP°t. Jere. Smallbone.

alteram partem.

Mr. Stevenson has published a clever and amusing volume, entitled
Travels icith a Donkey in the Cevennes. This gives us the Driver's view. A
contributor suggests that it might be instructive and amusing if we had the
Donkey's.

TO THOSE ABOUT TO TRAVEL.

My very dear Sir, August 11, 1879.

I am afraid you have always misunderstood me.
Although I have over and over again impressed upon
your mind that I am the very soul of honour, I have
never been able to persuade you that a loan to me of
the ridiculous sum of half-a-crown could, under any
circumstances, be considered a profitable investment.
However, it is ever my endeavour to return good for evil.
I am true to my principle on this, as on every other
occasion.

Sir, Mr. Punch, I have noticed that one of your
Contemporaries has published a number of letters upon
the subject of cheap travelling. Allow me to offer my
experience, for the benefit of yourself and your readers.
I jot down a few notes.

Route.—Doesn't matter in the least. Go where you
will, but take care never to visit the same place twice.
As novelty will be your aim, when you have once " done "
a town you won't want to see it again. Besides the in-
habitants of the neighbourhood will not desire to renew
their acquaintance with you—on friendly terms well
understood. _ If your presence makes them disagreeable
(as it most likely will) surely it is a shame to give them
cause for irritation. Always be considerate in your deal-
ings with your fellow-man.

Journey Ticket.—Of course you will borrow the money
for this indispensable aid to travelling. Borrow as much
as you can. Then journey first-class. You will find,
if you manage properly, that it will not cost you more
than second, or even third—in the long run.

Hotels.-—Select the best and the finest rooms. Dine at
the tabh-d?hotes, and drink the choicest wines. To act
in a spirit of strict economy, all you will have to do is to
rise before any one else is awake, and to leave your hotel
when all the officials are sleeping.

Golden Rule.—Never to pay. It is perfectly unne-
cessary to be guilty of such a ridiculous piece of ceremony
when by the exercise of a little ingenuity the matter can
be easily avoided.

There, Sir, I think a trip conducted on my principle
should be about the cheapest on record.

Always yours sincerely,

Address-well, no matter! Jeremiah Diddler.

Suds.

Dear Mr. Punch,

What do you think is the latest move among the
Co-operatives ? Have you seen this ?

" The London Co-operative Laundry, Limited."
Going to wash their own dirty linen. Just what they
ought to do. ^ Disgusted Shopkeeper.

the last musical anagram.

"Pinafore,"
"Fine Op'ra."

The Legend oe Exeter Hall.—To be Sold.

£3T To Correspondents.—The Editor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions. In no case can these be returned unless accompanied $y a

stamped and directed envelope. Copies should be kept.