Punch (77.1879)

132 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [September 20, 1879.

A FILIAL REBUKE.

Squire Quiverful (wJw hr<s a large family, to his eldest Son). "These are un-
commonly good Cigars of tours, Fred ! What do they cost you ?"
Fred. "Sixty Sbillings a Hundred."

Squire Quiverful. "Good Heavens ! what extravagance! Do you know,
Sir, that I never give more than Threepence for a Cigar?"

Fred. "And a very good price, too ! By George, Governor, if I had as
many Children to provide for as you have, I wouldn't Smoke at all !"

HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON.

{Being a Dickens of a Dichshunary for the use of Visitors to the Metropolis.)

DEVONSHIRE CLUB—The members are all of the Devonshire crime de la
creme. They go out " junketting " every summer. Cider Cup, known as " The
Cider C," is their favourite beverage.

Singing, " 0 that a Devon Draught should be

As deep as our jovial' Cider C ' ! "

Devonshire titles are given to all the rooms. For instance, the Conversation
Salon is the " Talkee Room," the Lavatory is the " Ilfracomb-and-Brush Room."
The ascenseur comes up in the " Lifton " portion. The HaLl-Porter is invariably
chosen from his appearance as a.front-Daiv-lish man.

DOCKS.—Situated in Bow Street, Middlesex Sessions House, the Old Bailey,
and other parts of the Metropolis. The best way of seeing them thoroughly is
to trip up a policeman, and sit on his head, until he agrees to take you to the
nearest dock. Sometimes a great deal of force is necessary to induce him to
comply with your request; but as a policeman has, legally, "power to add to
his number," he will call a few others, and you will soon be bonded, and in
dock. The London children are instructed at an early age to make the acquaint-
ance of the dock, in the nursery rhyme—

" Diekory, dickory, dock! "

and in Doek-tor Watts's celebrated

"Let docks delight."

It is thus our youth are indocktrinated. A sure way to obtain admission to
any dock is to stay sufficiently long at the bar—any bar in the neighbourhood
will do—and refuse to leave until turned out by the landlord.

DRAINAGE.—Advice to visitors : Never take lodgings
in London until you are quite safe as to the drains. If
anything unpleasant arises in consequence of your
neglect to make " assurance doubly sewer," you will
probably be compelled to bring an action against the
lodging-house keeper, sue for damages, and so be your-
self the suitor or chief suer.

DRESS.—Reversible suits are the best—morning dress
one side, evening the other. Always be in the fashion.
White hat with black band, yellow coat with brass
buttons, blue velvet waistcoat and plaid trousers, with
patent leather boots, white gloves, high collars, and red
tie, are never out of place. Always wear cheque trousers
on a Bank holiday.

DRURY LANE THEATRE.—The home of our Na-
tional Drama when in town. Though quite close to
Covent Garden, and has been, until quite recently, "in
the market." This splendid building is, generally, open
all the year round—to an offer. It has lately been re-
ported as leased to a party of the name of Harris.
Whether the names of Betsy Prig and Gamp are asso-
ciated with the management, has not yet leaked out.
The former of these two can hardly be in it, as " Betsy "
has just now quite enough to do elsewhere.

DUST.—The police have strict orders to take up any-
one kicking up a dust in the streets. The ratepayers
who are regular in their dues are entitled to the services
of a man who does the dust. When you ask in the
morning if he has come as usual, you will receive the
answer, "Bin and done it." For much information on
this subject see a work called Dustward Ho ! translated
from the Hindostanee of Dost Mohammed. If the dust
is not attended to regularly, they make a nice 'ash of it.

EALING.—(Vide Medical Men.)

ECCLESIASTICAL COMMISSIONERS.—A separate
department of Commissionnaires, being composed of
Clerks who are ready to take Orders. They belong to the
surplice population. They bring home the ecclesiastical
linen for the Ritualistic clergy, any one of whom will
explain to you the gist of the poem known as Bach from
the Wash; or, The Cotta's Saturday Night.

EDGEWARE ROAD.—The road by which, as indi-
cated by the name, you go to Edge ware, just as a cul de
sac might be called a Noware Road.

EGYPTIAN HALL—Dedicated to the mysteries of
the ancient Egyptians, and paying more than the modern
Egyptians. Here live the Magician Cooke and the
Neck-romancer Maskelyne, who cuts off Mr. Cooke's
head. At first, people used to think that the Cook in the
firm was a female, and wanted to call it Maskelyne and
Feminine, but, on inquiry, our nervous reporter found
them both out—a very rare occurrence; in fact, they
said they'd never been found out before ; and, in answer
to his questioning as to either of them being at home
the page-boy (lately from School Board tutors) replied,
"Neuter ."'

ELECTRIC LIGHT.—This Elec-trick has not yet
thoroughly succeeded. Mr. Hollingshead was the first
to give a light entertainment of this kind in London.
"There's a good deal yet to be done with it," said
someone to an American: "in the meantime there's
the gas." " Gas there is!" said the Yankee. For
further information see The Gazette.

EPPING FOREST—When any Londoner has a holi-
day chance of an innings, here's the place for one of
his outings. There is a new rural hotel at Chingford
—-which name has a sort of Chinese twang about it.
ButChing-a-ring-a-ring-ford is atooral rural place where
one—and more than one—can " spend a happy day."

FLATS.—Flats have increased enormously of late years
in London. Houses are now built for " taking in Flats."
Of course, if the flats allow themselves to be "taken in"
after reading this public advertisement, they cannot
afterwards complain. A little way out of London the
Essex Flats are well known, but, strange to-say, have
never vet been let out as apartments.

FLEET STREET.—Formerly, as the name implies,
part of the river where the Fleet used to be. _ The only
remnant of the ancient shipping interest is a small
"model dockyard shop" and a few dancing sailors in
the toy-shop windows. The site of the bar which used
to be the entrance to the harbour, as at Boulogne and
Dieppe, may still be seen. It was called Temple Bar.

FOGS.—(See Hayes, Cornhill.)

FOLLOWERS.—{On this subject, see SERVANTS.)

FRIENDLY SOCIETIES.—(See Zulus.)

tW To Cqbbbspojtdenis.—The Editor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contribution*. In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a

stamped and directed envelop*. Copies should be kepi.