Punch (77.1879)

October 4, 1879.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

147

grinders, nor mechanical piano-players. _ There
is no intensely Provincial Company acting in a
stuffy little theatre. As there is no temple of
the Drama of any sort, fourth-rate " London
Stars " never fill engagements " for six nights
only." There are no adulterating _ grocers,
dishonest butchers, nor poisoning wine-mer-
chants. The company is the selectest in the
world. There are no vulgar matrons, fast young
ladies, nor unpleasant old maids. Rain is un-
known, and the climate is unique.

There, Mr. Punch, surely such a description
should make your mouth water! And you
want the direction ? Well, I have no objec-
tion to giving it you. The only stipulation I
would make is, that you do not send too many
people. All you have to do is to take a balloon,
and go to—the North Pole !

And now, as we live in a sceptical age, let
me furnish you with a proof that I have kept
my annual engagement. " Seeing is believ-
ing ; " but as I am not particularly fond of
company, I do not very often afford an '' ocular
demonstration " of my presence. But this will
suffice. I quote from the Times of Sept. 24th :

" Captain J. F. Cox, master of the British ship
Privateer, which arrived at Delaware Breakwater on
the 9th inst. from London, says :—' On the 5th ult.,
100 miles west of Brest (France), -weather fine and
clear, at 5 p.m., as I was walking the quarter-deck,
looking to windward, I saw something black rise out
of the water about 20 feet, in shape like an immense
snake, about three feet in diameter. It was about
300 yards from the ship, coming towards us. It
turned its head partly from us, and went down with
a great splash, after staying up about five seconds,
but rose again three times, at intervals of ten seconds,
until it had turned completely from us, and was going
from u3 with great speed, and making the water boil
all round it. I could see its eyes and shape perfectly.
It was like a great eel or snake, but as black as coal
tar, and appeared to be making great exertions to get
away from the ship. I have seen many kinds of fish
in five different oceans, but was never favoured with
a sight of the great sea snake before.' "

And, having sent you this, allow me to sign
myself

Your faithful friend and admirer,

The Old Original. Sea-Serpent.
Not far from Brest, France.

With Punch's Thanks to Mr. Buckmaster.
—Addition to the Three R's.—Roasting.

"LIVE AND LET LIVE."

Village Doctor {to the Grave-Digger, who is given to Whiskey), "Ah, John ! I'm sorry
to see you in this pitiable Condition again ! "

Grave-Digger. "Toots, Sir! can te no' let a'e little Fau't o' mine gae by?
It's mony a muckle ane o' yours I ha'e happit owre, an' said naething aboot ! "

HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON.

{Being a Dickens of a Bickshunary for the use of Visitors to the

Metropolis.)

GLOBE THEATRE.—{See Cloches de Corneville.)

GUILDHALL.—Originally occupied by the two bachelor Giants,
Gog and Magog, whose effigies still adorn the interior. The beauti-
ful crypt was originally intended for gymnastic exercise: observe
the vaulting. In noticing the carving it is difficult to choose which
is the best of all the bosses. This apparent equality gave rise to the
saying, which has since become a Yankeeism— " Are you the boss of
this place, or am IP"

HANOVER SQUARE CLUB. — No round games permitted.
Hence the name. The members settle all difficulties amicably
among themselves, and are known as the " Hanover Squarers."

HAYMARRET THEATRE. —For many years associated with
the name of J. B. Buckstone, old Comedies, and old Actors. The
present lessee, the American Comedian, Clarke, is soon to give it up
to S. Bancroft, Esquire, who is tired of the monotony of making
money in the little theatre near Tottenham Court Road, and wants
to vary the proceedings. Whether the Haymarket is the best market
for the Busy B.'s " remains," as the philosopher says, " to be seen."

HERALDS' COLLEGE.—Well worth a visit. Rouge Dragon fed
every day at three. If a stranger wishes to see the arms of any
family, let him inquire at the Family Heralds' Office.

HER MAJESTY'S OPERA-HOUSE. — For particulars, see
Her Majesty.

HOME OFFICE.—Intended as a sort of Club, with suites of
residential chambers for foreigners finding themselves houseless and
homeless in London. Any visitor unable to obtain a bed at a hotel,

should immediately apply here. Night porter always up. No fees.
Over the door is inscribed, " Wherever we wander, there's no place
like the Home Office." Any complaints must be made by letter to
the Home Secretary, who will see that the comfort of the visitor
is secured.

HORSE GUARDS.—Anyone wishing to hire horses, must apply
here. The Horse Marines, in dismounted bathing-machines, are
always on duty at the gates, to answer all inquiries. The charge
for hiring is two-and-sixpenee the first hour, and eighteen pence the
second, but you may not commence with the latter, except by paying
an extra shilling for the privilege. Each of the men has his own
particular carriage—which you can notice, but are not allowed to
hire.

THE HORTICULTURAL SOCIETY.—(See Plants, Police, &c.)

THE HOUSE OF DETENTION. — Commonly known as the
House of D.T.-ention for confirmed Drunkards. Unconfirmed
Drunkards are not admitted.

HOUSES.—There are several Houses in Londen. Apsley House,
Marlborough House, the House of Lords, House of Commons. The
two last are public Houses. There are also Work Houses and Play
Houses. There is only one House in the City which is known as
"The House," but the tenants are, apparently, always in difficul-
ties, as the Brokers are seldom out of it, and sales are perpetually
going on. .

HYDE PARK.—Where everyone prefers to ride, drive, or walk,
though there is a line of rails all round it. In the centre are the
stables of the Humane Society, where the drag is kept. A little
further on is the office of the Hyde Park Magazine, where, when any
of the Park-keepers are unwell, they can go and take a little powder.
The Serpentine is a large piece of water famous for its serpents (as
the name indicates), whence are obtained all the overstock of fish