Punch (77.1879)

148

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[October 4, 1879.

which go to make the ride called Rotten Roe. The Aristocracy
comes here on week-days during the season, and the 'Arry-stocracy
on Sundays. It is a great place for meetings of all sorts, from a
crushing crowd to a cooing couple.

INNS OP COURT.—Ask at the bar. There are only four Inns to
describe, which is, however, rather four-inn to our present purpose.

IRISH OFFICE.—Motto over the door, " Now can I do it, Pat! "
—Hamlet. Well worth a visit about luncheon time, on account of
its admirable Irish stew. Ask for the Irish Steward, Mr. O'Gkeedy,
and he'll give you some Moore. Home-rulers on all the desks.
Here ground landlords can interview ground tenants, and come to
some arrangements short of shooting. There is a fine allegorical
painting over the mantelpiece, representing Signs of Fine Weather;
or, A Rent in the Clouds. Also a portrait of the celebrated "Pig
that paid the rent." Don't leave without seeing the Chapel, with its
beautiful Emerald Aisle.

ADOLPHUS ON PHEASANT-SHOOTING.

onstwous rwot this fad for shoot-
in' ! Pact is, it's a shockin'
baw.

Fellahs talk a high-falutin',

ravin' kind of silly jaw,
As if everlastin' faggin' wound

a beastly boggy park,
Floorin' hares, and poultry bag-
gin', were the pwimest sort
of lark !_
P'waps it is. Can't see't, how-
ever. Birds ain't bad to eat,
when cheap ;
Neither 's mutton—but we
never seem to think of
stalkin' sheep!

Pottin' beef would be excitin', and pig-stickin' 's quite good form :
Boars we know are full of fightin', and they'd make it pwetty warm.

Chevyin' cats is cheap and pleasant; worryin' rats is hard to beat;
But where's the fun of slaughterin' pheasant, pickin' tame about
your feet ?

If a fellah wants a pullet, does he bawl for dawg and gun ?
If he dwopped her with a bullet, Jove ! how fellahs would make fun!
'Seems a i arm-yard hand-fed pheasant 's quite another sort of bird;
If you wrung his neck all present weuld be scweaming out "Absurd!"
.Puzzles me to guess the weason. Cuwious thing is shooters' law.
P'waps you think I'm talking tweason ? Possibly. Don't know,
I'm shaw!

Pleasures of a Public School.

At the top of a column of Winchester news stands the annexed
paragraph:—

_ "The College Summer Holidays finished on "Wednesday, and the Founda-
tion scholars, and the Commoners in Tutors' Houses, returned to their studies
and school enjojments."

(< Do the enjoyments of Winchester Schoolboys continue to include
funding" and being "tunded"? If so, then perhaps William
of Wykeham's young gentlemen, commonly called Wykehamists,
had better be denominated Whackemists.

Slang between Old Saints.—What a shocking bad Nimbus!

" READY, AYE READY ! "

Me. Punch, weary with wading through three columns of "Naval
Intelligence," d propos of the late Admiralty visit to the Dockyards,
had not unnaturally fallen asleep. With the exception of a few
insignificant outlying wars, when he slumbered, it was a time of
peace. When he awoke, as it seemed to him, Toby stood before him,
announcing a European war, in which all the Great Powers were
engaged.

" But never mind, Master," said the faithful dog. " It is not a
question of armies with us. England's foes will have to meet her on
the seas."

"Come! that at any rate is satisfactory," observed Mr. Punch.
" But it may be as well to have a talk with Smith."

"Ready, aye ready ! " sung out the First Lord of the Admiralty,
as he suddenly appeared in the sanctum. " I thought you might
want me, Sir ; so you see I have hurried from my tour of Dockyard
inspection to wait upon you."

"Quite right, Smith. Take a chair, Smith. And now to busi-
ness. But, first, let me hope you have enjoyed your little official
trip ? "

" So pleasant! " cheerfully replied Mr. Smith. "At Portsmouth
we had great fun. The poor unfortunate public were chivied
through the Dockyard by the Police like a flock of sheep. You
should have seen them running away from us as we went to inspect
the fire-engines. Ha ! ha ! ha! "

"Yes, yes," said Mr. Punch, rather impatiently. "But what
did you do there ? "

" Well," returned the First Lord, after some consideration, "when
dinner was over at the Admiral's, we had the electric light on the
lawn (it was rather spoilt by the weather, though) ; and then, you
know, there was a capital ball at the Southsea Assembly Rooms. It
was only five shillings a head, but we kept it up till three in the
morning."

" But did you do nothing more?" asked Mr. Punch, with even
greater impatience.

" To be sure we did. We gave the workmen at Chatham Dock-
yard a half-holiday."

" Come, Sir, no trifling. What else did you do at Portsmouth ? "

"Oh, a lot of things, Sir. But then you see our plans were rather
spoiled by the weather. The motion afloat was decidedly unpleasant.
It was much better at the Assembly Rooms. The dance pro-
gramme-"

"Silence, Sir!" interrupted Mr. Punch, sternly. "Are you
aware that we are engaged in a large maritime war ? "

"That is news ! But nowadays the papers get hold of things long
before we do."

"I have a list before me of our fleet. Now be good enough to
answer a few questions. What do you know about the Royal
Sovereign ? "

" That it now represents so many tons of old iron."

Mr. Punch frowned.

" What do you say of the Glatton ? "

" That she certainly cannot be relied upon to serve in all weathers,
even on our own coasts. But then she is more seaworthy than the
Cychps."

" Hm! How about the Neptune ? "

" Never been able to send her to sea since we took her from the
Brazilian Government and re-christened her."

"And the Devastation, the Inflexible, the Repulse, and the
Sultan ? "

" All of them in dock under repair."

" They seem to be always under repair," observed Mr. Punch.

"Ah, ironclads are," replied Mr. Smith, airily, "except when
they are building, or breaking up. We have got a lot on the stocks.
There's the Colossus, for instance. She '11 be a splendid vessel some
day. And the Polyphemus—with her ram and her torpedos together
— she '11 astonish the enemy, you'll see."

"And how many of these vessels are to be costly failures ?

"Iam sure I don't know ! " replied the First Lord. " As I read
the other day, with lively satisfaction—1 The courage of the Admi-
ralty must not be dashed by a few mistakes.' "

"But what are we in a position to do now, Sir ? Are we ready^
Sir, in case of sudden emergency ? Can we be said to have a fleet?
Can we depend on your giving us the ships for our money, Sir ? " _

The First Lord was silent. Mr. Punch was about to raise his
voice in repetition of the question, when in the effort he awoke.

"No naval war as yet," muttered the Sage of Sages. "Thank
the Fates, it was only a dream ! Under the circumstances, so much
the better! " And he returned to his paper—of magnificent pro-
mises—with a sigh of genuine relief.

Why aee all Cerates Conservatives—Because a Tory is more
than half way to a Rec-tory.