Punch (86.1884)

ROBERTS DEFENSE OF THE ALDERMEN.

I don't at all know what things is a eomin to, or where things is
a goin for to stop, but change and halteration seems to be the only
things as is fixt and certain.

I went with my Son William the other nite to a Lecter on Her-
stronermy, and there we was told, among other little trifles, that it
was found as it woudn’t pay to make a Railway to the Moon, as it
woud take the “ Flying Dutchman” hisself, and I don’t spose as he
ain’t no light wait, nearly ten months to get there, and, at Parle-
mentry Fare, woud cost about £1500 third class single. That wasn’t
had to begin with. Then he sed as we was all' a turning round at
the rate of a thowsand miles a hour, and spining round the Son at a
thowsand miles a minnit! Well, this was quite enuff for me, and
so I left right off. In course 1 don’t serpose for a momint as he
thort as we was sitch igerrant fools as to bleeve him, and yet with
his black dress coat, and wite choker, and gray air, he loo'kt quite
like a respectabel old Gfentelman, in fae he lookt a good deal like
a Butler or ewen an Ead Waiter, as wouldn’t deceeve noboddy, unless
praps it was on that werry open queshun of ’47 Port.

But the pint as strikes me is this, supposin as we are all a goin
this pace at any think like wot the Professer sed,—and Professers, I
spose, does sumtimes speak the truth, like other peeple,—and are a
turning round at sitch a whirlegig, no wunder as we are all gitting
jest a leetle Dizzy. I need scarce say as I don’t mean no Polly ticks.

Well, fust we has the shamfool slander of Dr. Tomson about Turtel
Soup and its accompanyments and its substetoots, but they all
wanisht, like the mourning due, at the carm and disintrested state-
ment of the “Ship and Turtel” hisself, and the unlearned and
unexperienced Dr. had to epollygise for so hurting some of the finest
feelings of our hungry natur. As if that wasn’t bad enuff, I acshally
seed last week, in one of our leading streets, a common sandwitch
feller with one bored on his back, and another on his front, stating
that Reel Turtel Soup eoud be had. at 2s. a basin !

Grayshus Evans, what next ? as if any gentelman, let alone a
Alderman, could heat reel turtil soup out of a Basin! The werry
idear suggests thorts of the useful Steward. In course he would
drink his delicate acompanying Punch out of a pewter pot!

How one step down leads up to another !

I acshally saw the nex day the Chairman of the City Sewers—not
of coarse the Sewing Machiners—a persition, one would think, enuff
to gratify the hambition of the aspiringest C.C. or M.P., a drinking
of Sherry with his Turtel!

And how cums the wust of all. A Mr. Cop.net Giiant, a Lawyer, I

has bin a calomelating the court of Aldermen to such a extent as I
coud never even a dremt of, ewen after an heavy supper of Stakes
and Stout. He has the ordassity to say as they gits into sich a state
of mops and brooms as would disgrace a dustman, and he apeals to
his perfeshnal egsperiense to justify his unfair charges. His perfesh-
nal egsperiense ! What is it compared to mine ? He is, it seams, a
mere reporter, whose dooty is to use his long ears. I am an Hed
Waiter, whose dooty it is to use his eyes. Then witch is the best
judge of undue elewation, eyes or ears? And even supposin as
such a accident was to appen hs for a gentelman to suddnly find as
the strawberrys has disagreed with him, whose elp does he require ?
The thing’s too ridicklus to argyfy. I have had now nearly 20 years’
egsperiense as a Waiter, and 10 years’ responserbility as a Hed ’un,
so I spose as I ort to know more than a mere City-School-Boy, which
he was ! and I can say most truthfully as I never in all my long
perfeshnal career helped to carry out eather a Alderman or even a
Common Councilman, but my serwices was wunce requierd in sum
such delicate way, but it was not for a Corporationer or for a Livery-
man. No, it was for sumboddy werry diffrent from ether. He was
a reel live Hem Pea! who soon after was sent abroad to guwern
a Collony, and I never herd as his one little hact of forgetfulness
ever made him a wuss Guvnor than if he had gone about all his life
with the wites of his eyes turned up at the depravity of the hage.
My egsperiense of life tells me as there’s many wuss things in this
wicked world, as I ’m told it is, but don’t beleeve it, than a glass or
two of good old wine. Of course, like ewery other good thing, it may
be abused.

There’s quite as much arm done by heating in a hot room, as by
drinking, and more too, to my mind.

A fine witty affable generus Gentelman may sumtimes take praps
jest one glass of wine more than oflishus reason would dicktate, but
he never stuffs hisself full like a biled Turkey. He leaves that sort
of temperance to a rayther uncertain class of perfeshnals, and to
Tea’totalers, wdio are suttenly not total abstainers as regards Wittles,
but whose wunderful appytights is a caution to all us Waiters._

No, No, No. There are plenty of charges, no dout, as mite be
made, and made troothfully, against Aldermen and Common Consel-
men, for, of course, even them are men like the rest on us, but
jolly good spessimens as far as I sees and hears, but such charges
as them as was made the other day by Mr. Cokney Grant,—who
I alius thort was a Comic Singer at Mr. _ German Reed’s, up at
Regent Street, and not a sollem Tea-Totalling Lecterer at Ipswhich
—is far too silly, and too unlikely, and too imposserbel to ever
have occured without its ever having retched ether my eyes or my
ears, witch it never did. Egbert.

Von. 86.

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