Punch (86.1884)

MR. PUNCHES PATENT PLAN FOR THE PROMOTION OF PERFECT PRIVACY AT THE

UNIVERSITIES’ BOAT-RACE.

First catch yoitr Champions. Then let them Row as above in your Fish-pond. ’Varsity which pulls other across
wins. Result equal to Old Method, at one-eighth the cost! No Gentleman’s Back Garden complete without a Boat-
Race ! No Crowding ! No Risk ! ! No Roughs ! ! ! Vivat Punghius !

AS IT IS, AND—AS IT OUGHT TO BE.

A Legal Tragi-Comedy in a Prologue and one short Act.

Prologue.

Scene—Inner Sanctum in the Offices of an old-established Firm of
respectable Solicitors doing a very large leading business. Bland.
Head of Firm discovered surrounded by all the outward signs
of well-sustained and successful litigation. Enter a Raving-
Influential Client in tatters, off his head with ivorry, grief, and
disappointment, carrying a carpet-bag.

Bland Head of Firm {placidly). Ha! Mr. Boldover! here again,
and so soon ? Well, my dear Sir, pray what can we do for you now ?

Raving Influential Client {with a cry of frenzy). What can you
do for me now ? Ha ! ha ! ha ! I ’ll soon let you know. Look at
that! {Opens carpet-bag, and empties a pile of writs, summonses,
and other aggressive legal instruments on to the table.) And that isn’t
all. I was pursued here by Bailiffs ! {Rushes to the window.) See!
There are fifteen of them even now lurking hidden among the
scanty-leaved evergreens of the Square, ready to pounce out on me
the moment I set my foot on the other side of this accursed
threshold ! [Falls backward into a ivaste-paper basket in a fit.

Bland Head of Firm {surveying him reflectively). And yet we not
only advised him wisely, hut after a few appeals got him his verdict.
Surely he ought to be a thoroughly satisfied if not a solvent man.

Raving Influential Client {in an interval of consciousness—wildly).
Tell me, fiend in human shape—for being my Solicitor you are a fiend
in human shape—how it comes that once being wealthy and a man of
substance I have come to this ! \JDisplays his tatters.

Blaiid Head of Firm. My dear Sir, it is obvious. You felt it was
necessary, in the face of a grave civil injury, to have recourse to the
protection of your country’s law,—nay, we, a little interested in
making something out of you, advised you to such a course,—and
you are, as a natural consequence of taking that advice, after being
harassed by the requisite litigation, landed safely in the gutter a
beggared and broken man.

Raving Influential Client. And I was in easy circumstances! Is
justice then in England a luxury that means ruin even to the rich ?

Bland Head of Firm. It is !

Raving Influential Client {springing out of the waste-paper basket
with a yell). Then, tell me—social leech,—the poor, who can not
afford to refresh and to retain Counsel and feed the crew of sharks
and harpies who live by the organised system of robbery that exists
| in this country under the name of legal procedure,—they can have
no justice at all!

Bland Head of Firm. None, my dear Sir, whatever !

Raving Influential Client {going mad). None! Ha! ha! Ho! ho!
Then three cheers for a pauper—and here goes for the fifteen Bailiffs.
But, mark me—{jumping out of window)—& day will come !-

Bland Head of Firm {smiling pleasantly, as he descends). Indeed r
I doubt it! But now to sell up the Duke.

[Strikes a silver bell, as the Curtain falls.

A hundred years are supposed to have elapsed.

The Scene represents the Official Room in the Government Advising
Solicitor's Office. Advising Solicitor discovered at his post hear-
ing cases. Enter a Public Client.

Advising Solicitor (disposing of last applicant for advice). And now,
please, will you state your case as briefly and concisely as possible ?

Public Client. Certainly. My next-door neighbour started a steam
dynamo, and the action shaking down my chimney-pots through the
roof on to my children’s heads in the nursery, I remonstrated. He
then, annoyed at my interference, blew up his boiler, and drove my
drawing-room wall by the, force of the explosion clean into the
study of the house on the farther side. Remonstrating again, and
finding it useless, I then took the law into my own hands, and
retaliated by letting off expensive fireworks all night among the
orchids in his conservatory. He then asked me for damages, which
I declined, upon which he called for an explanation. Treating this
as a forcible entry, I had him thrown back into his own premises over
the garden wall. The next day he replied by waiting till I came out
and hitting me over the head with a heavy banjo, and on my taking him
up and placing him in his own cistern, he followed me downstairs,
and broke my arm with a blow from the umbrella-stand. In the
evening I removed his area-palings and threw empty stout-bottles
at him whenever I got a chance. Upon this he has this evening
written to a local paper and libelled me by accusing me of murder,
and has, moreover, hired a permanent German band of three to play
all night and day inside my house whenever the street-door is opened.
Under these circumstances, I have thought it better to go to law, but,
as I have two hundred and seventeen witnesses and the case is some-
what involved, I am afraid it will be very protracted and expensive.

Advising Solicitor. Not in the least. Merely the usual fees. It
will cost you £1 Is. 9d. That is fifteen shillings for the Judge who
hears the case, five for the Government lawyer told off to take it up
for you, ninepence for the usher, and one shilling for myself.

Public Client. Dear me, that is really very moderate, but I haven’t
a halfpenny to pay it with.

Advising Solicitor. Indeed! then all you have to do is to fill up
this {gives him a form) and it will be charged to the rates.

Public Client. Capital! But I suppose, being a complicated case,
it will not come on for some months ?

Advising Solicitor. On the contrary, it will be settled by to-
morrow afternoon. _

Public Client {brightly). Thanks. Ha ! They manage things now
better than they did one hundred years ago !

Advising Solicitor. Really ? You don’t say so P

[Bows him out pleasantly as Curtain falls;