DOI Heft:
March 29, 1884
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17756#0162
156 PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [March 29, 1884.
Wednesday.—Much shaking of the head over Randolph to-day.
Not only gave his support to Broad hurst s Bill for the Compulsory
Purchase of Leaseholds, but spoke disrespectfully of a Duke.
“It’s all very well for him to have a lark, doncha,” said Mr.
Christopher Sykes, who had obtained the freehold of a new pair of
gloves for the occasion; “but, demmy, when it comes to saying a
man may buy his ground-rent if he afford to pay for it, the Con-
stitooshun’s in danger. Besides, the way he talks of Dookes makes
my blood run cold. Shouldn’t wonder if he were to attack Me next! ”
To avoid which Christopher hurried out of the House.
Business done.—Leasehold Bill rejected by 168 votes to 104.
Overtures made to Randolph to join Radical Party. “ You could
worry Gladstone much better from this side,” Labby said. Ran-
dolph promises to think it over. Tory indignation against blameless
Randolph immeasurable. “Lord ‘Henry George’Churchill,” they
bitterly call him. But Randolph, as usual, knows what he’s about.
Thursday Midnight.—Been here all night. Just made private
arrangements with elderly Messengers to carry me out as if I were
Bradlaugh. Sick in soul, worn out in body. Hour-and-half spent
in wrangling over Questions. Only two out of the ninety-eight
proper to be put in House of Commons. Then Campbell-Banner-
man ready to explain the Navy Estimates. Minister and interests of
perhaps greatest department of State set aside, whilst half-a-dozen
Members wobble round miscellaneous subjects more or less nearly
connected with Navy. Now it is Midnight. Campbell-Bannerman
j up, and real business of Sitting commences. Treasury driven to last
ditch. Must have Vote, so House going to sit all night.
How long will country stand this nightly spectacle, I wonder F Used
to he very indignant about St. Pancras Board of Guardians. Their busi-
ness way perfect compared with ours. Must be an end of this. British
Lion be roaring around presently, putting a Question of its own.
“ Here, you fellows,” I fancy I hear B. L. roaring in the Lobby.
! “ You clear out quick. I sent you here to do my business, of which
i there’s plenty standing around. Instead of that you squabble at
Question Time; you dawdle from seven to ten; then you begin a
fresh row. At half-past twelve you say you want to go home.
Ministers at wits’ end, protest certain Y ote must be passed before
the House rises. Then you divide ; go on dividing for an hour
during which business in hand might have been got through. Finally
settle down and, half asleep, vote my money by the million without
inquiry. You sit on Saturdays and you desecrate Sundays with
coarse vituperation. I know very well who are the prime movers in
this plot and who keep Pandemonium going. But responsibility rests
with Ministers, with the Maj oritv, and with the Authorities of the
House. I look to them to restore House of Commons to condition of
decency and will support them in the enterprise. They can do it and
they must do it without a week’s delay.”
Nice party B. L. when his moustache bristlesi Hard to rouse, but
when once on rampage not pleasant to meet him in narrow place like
House of Commons.
Business done.—First warning from British Lion.
Friday Night.—Bishops had a near squeak. In the Lords threw
out Motion for opening libraries and museums in London on Sunday.
In the Commons nearly thrown out themselves. Grand Cross
splendid in debate. Been out to dinner with Archbishop of Canter-
bury. More than ever solemn and little more than usual muddled.
Throughout speech House in roars of laughter. Cross couldn’t make
it out at all, but stumbled along, solemner and muddleder.
“ There’s been nothing like this,” said Mr. Bright, who watched the
scene from the Cross Benches, “ since Mr. Pecksniff, looking over the
bannisters, addressed the guests after the dinner at lodgers’s.”
Business done.—Motion to banish Bishops from House of Lords
defeated by 148 votes against 137.
Model Anti-Obstructionists clearing Mud-Salad Market and Bloated
Ducal Barriers.
“SAUCE (FOR THE COUNSEL GOOSE IS SAUCE
EOR SOLOR GANDER.”
(Respectfully dedicated to the Incorporated Law .Society and the Bar
Committee.)
Scene—Interior of the Duke of Ditchwater’s Study. Time—The
near Future. Present—His Grace and Mr. Kosts, the Family
Solicitor.
The Duke (finishing a long business talk). And I suppose we had
better be represented by Mr. Silvertongue, the Queen’s Counsel?
Mr. Kosts (hesitating). Certainly, your Grace, if it is your express
wish.
The Duke (surprised). Why, Mr. Kosts, you surely know of no
better representative ?
Mr. Kosts (hurriedly). Oh no, your Grace. Mr. Silvertongue is
a most eloquent advocate, and has the law at his fingers’ ends;
but-
The Duke. Well ? Surely we may entrust ourselves in his hands
with perfect confidence ? Do you not think so ?
Mr. Kosts. Oh, certainly, your Grace, certainly. (Hesitating.)
But matters have changed a little lately. There has been an altera-
tion in the law.
The Duke. Indeed!
Mr. Kosts. Yes, your Grace. The fact is, that the two branches
of the legal profession have been amalgamated.
The Duke. I don’t quite understand.
Mr. Kosts. Why, your Grace, there is now no real distinction
between Solicitors and Barristers, except in name. So I thought,
your Grace, that as I could do the work as well, that perhaps I might
replace Mr. Silvertongue, and- You see it is simply a matter
of business.
The Duke (interrupting). Certainly, certainly, Mr. Kosts. No
doubt you could represent me admirably. But you see I am afraid
Mr. Silvertongue might be a little offended. You know he is a
personal friend of mine, and-
Mr. Kosts (promptly, with a bow). I trust your Grace will not
give the matter another thought-—Mr. Silvertongue shall be
instructed. (Preparing to go.) Of course, your Grace’s young rela-
tive, the Honourable Charles Needy, will act as Junior ?
The Duke. Certainly, Mr. Kosts. Give Charley as much of my
work as possible. My wife’s cousin, I am afraid, is not overburdened
with briefs.
Mr. Kosts. I am afraid not, your Grace. And yet Mr. Needy is a
sharp and clever young Gentleman. Good day, your Grace !
The Duke (after a moments thought, suddenly). One moment, Mr.
Kosts. Did I understand you to say that the two branches of the
legal profession were amalgamated ?
Mr. Kosts. To all intents and purposes, your Grace. You see we
can now do all the work of the Bar.
The Duke. And I suppose Barristers can act as Solicitors—I mean,
undertake the same kind of business ?
Mr. Kosts (laughing). There is nothing to prevent them, your
Grace, save their incapacity ?
The Duke (with dignity). No relative of the Duchess, Mr. Kosts,
can be incapable!
Mr. Kosts (puzzled). I beg your Grace’s pardon. I do not quite
understand-
The Duke. Then I will explain. You tell me that Barristers can
now act as Solicitors. Well, you know the old adage, that “blood
is thicker than water,” It is, Mr. Kosts; it is. You will pardon
me, I am sure, if I suggest that the connection of your firm with my
family has not been unlucrative.
Mr. Kosts. On the contrary, your Grace! I may fairly say that
the connection is worth many hundreds a-year to us. We cannot be
sufficiently grateful.
The Duke. Pray desist, Mr. Kosts. The matter is one of pure
business. It really is not at all a question of gratitude. Well, as I
understand you to say that Mr. Needy is quite qualified to under-
take Solicitor’s work-
Mr. Kosts. (blankly). Theoretically, your Grace; theoretically.
The Duke (haughtily). Any relative of the Duchess can reduce
theory to practice.
Mr. Kosts (bowing). No doubt, your Grace; no doubt.
The Duke. Well, as I now find that Charley can do the work I
have hitherto given to you; Mr. Kosts, I feel that some alteration
must be made. Charley is poor, and my relative. So I am sure
you will not be offended when for the future I give him the whole.of
the legal work I used to give to you. You see, after all (as ycu
explained to me just now), it is purely a matter of business !
[ Scene closes in upon Mr. Kosts’ discomfiture.
“The” Charge oe the “Light” Brigade.—“ Three boxes a
penny! ”
Wednesday.—Much shaking of the head over Randolph to-day.
Not only gave his support to Broad hurst s Bill for the Compulsory
Purchase of Leaseholds, but spoke disrespectfully of a Duke.
“It’s all very well for him to have a lark, doncha,” said Mr.
Christopher Sykes, who had obtained the freehold of a new pair of
gloves for the occasion; “but, demmy, when it comes to saying a
man may buy his ground-rent if he afford to pay for it, the Con-
stitooshun’s in danger. Besides, the way he talks of Dookes makes
my blood run cold. Shouldn’t wonder if he were to attack Me next! ”
To avoid which Christopher hurried out of the House.
Business done.—Leasehold Bill rejected by 168 votes to 104.
Overtures made to Randolph to join Radical Party. “ You could
worry Gladstone much better from this side,” Labby said. Ran-
dolph promises to think it over. Tory indignation against blameless
Randolph immeasurable. “Lord ‘Henry George’Churchill,” they
bitterly call him. But Randolph, as usual, knows what he’s about.
Thursday Midnight.—Been here all night. Just made private
arrangements with elderly Messengers to carry me out as if I were
Bradlaugh. Sick in soul, worn out in body. Hour-and-half spent
in wrangling over Questions. Only two out of the ninety-eight
proper to be put in House of Commons. Then Campbell-Banner-
man ready to explain the Navy Estimates. Minister and interests of
perhaps greatest department of State set aside, whilst half-a-dozen
Members wobble round miscellaneous subjects more or less nearly
connected with Navy. Now it is Midnight. Campbell-Bannerman
j up, and real business of Sitting commences. Treasury driven to last
ditch. Must have Vote, so House going to sit all night.
How long will country stand this nightly spectacle, I wonder F Used
to he very indignant about St. Pancras Board of Guardians. Their busi-
ness way perfect compared with ours. Must be an end of this. British
Lion be roaring around presently, putting a Question of its own.
“ Here, you fellows,” I fancy I hear B. L. roaring in the Lobby.
! “ You clear out quick. I sent you here to do my business, of which
i there’s plenty standing around. Instead of that you squabble at
Question Time; you dawdle from seven to ten; then you begin a
fresh row. At half-past twelve you say you want to go home.
Ministers at wits’ end, protest certain Y ote must be passed before
the House rises. Then you divide ; go on dividing for an hour
during which business in hand might have been got through. Finally
settle down and, half asleep, vote my money by the million without
inquiry. You sit on Saturdays and you desecrate Sundays with
coarse vituperation. I know very well who are the prime movers in
this plot and who keep Pandemonium going. But responsibility rests
with Ministers, with the Maj oritv, and with the Authorities of the
House. I look to them to restore House of Commons to condition of
decency and will support them in the enterprise. They can do it and
they must do it without a week’s delay.”
Nice party B. L. when his moustache bristlesi Hard to rouse, but
when once on rampage not pleasant to meet him in narrow place like
House of Commons.
Business done.—First warning from British Lion.
Friday Night.—Bishops had a near squeak. In the Lords threw
out Motion for opening libraries and museums in London on Sunday.
In the Commons nearly thrown out themselves. Grand Cross
splendid in debate. Been out to dinner with Archbishop of Canter-
bury. More than ever solemn and little more than usual muddled.
Throughout speech House in roars of laughter. Cross couldn’t make
it out at all, but stumbled along, solemner and muddleder.
“ There’s been nothing like this,” said Mr. Bright, who watched the
scene from the Cross Benches, “ since Mr. Pecksniff, looking over the
bannisters, addressed the guests after the dinner at lodgers’s.”
Business done.—Motion to banish Bishops from House of Lords
defeated by 148 votes against 137.
Model Anti-Obstructionists clearing Mud-Salad Market and Bloated
Ducal Barriers.
“SAUCE (FOR THE COUNSEL GOOSE IS SAUCE
EOR SOLOR GANDER.”
(Respectfully dedicated to the Incorporated Law .Society and the Bar
Committee.)
Scene—Interior of the Duke of Ditchwater’s Study. Time—The
near Future. Present—His Grace and Mr. Kosts, the Family
Solicitor.
The Duke (finishing a long business talk). And I suppose we had
better be represented by Mr. Silvertongue, the Queen’s Counsel?
Mr. Kosts (hesitating). Certainly, your Grace, if it is your express
wish.
The Duke (surprised). Why, Mr. Kosts, you surely know of no
better representative ?
Mr. Kosts (hurriedly). Oh no, your Grace. Mr. Silvertongue is
a most eloquent advocate, and has the law at his fingers’ ends;
but-
The Duke. Well ? Surely we may entrust ourselves in his hands
with perfect confidence ? Do you not think so ?
Mr. Kosts. Oh, certainly, your Grace, certainly. (Hesitating.)
But matters have changed a little lately. There has been an altera-
tion in the law.
The Duke. Indeed!
Mr. Kosts. Yes, your Grace. The fact is, that the two branches
of the legal profession have been amalgamated.
The Duke. I don’t quite understand.
Mr. Kosts. Why, your Grace, there is now no real distinction
between Solicitors and Barristers, except in name. So I thought,
your Grace, that as I could do the work as well, that perhaps I might
replace Mr. Silvertongue, and- You see it is simply a matter
of business.
The Duke (interrupting). Certainly, certainly, Mr. Kosts. No
doubt you could represent me admirably. But you see I am afraid
Mr. Silvertongue might be a little offended. You know he is a
personal friend of mine, and-
Mr. Kosts (promptly, with a bow). I trust your Grace will not
give the matter another thought-—Mr. Silvertongue shall be
instructed. (Preparing to go.) Of course, your Grace’s young rela-
tive, the Honourable Charles Needy, will act as Junior ?
The Duke. Certainly, Mr. Kosts. Give Charley as much of my
work as possible. My wife’s cousin, I am afraid, is not overburdened
with briefs.
Mr. Kosts. I am afraid not, your Grace. And yet Mr. Needy is a
sharp and clever young Gentleman. Good day, your Grace !
The Duke (after a moments thought, suddenly). One moment, Mr.
Kosts. Did I understand you to say that the two branches of the
legal profession were amalgamated ?
Mr. Kosts. To all intents and purposes, your Grace. You see we
can now do all the work of the Bar.
The Duke. And I suppose Barristers can act as Solicitors—I mean,
undertake the same kind of business ?
Mr. Kosts (laughing). There is nothing to prevent them, your
Grace, save their incapacity ?
The Duke (with dignity). No relative of the Duchess, Mr. Kosts,
can be incapable!
Mr. Kosts (puzzled). I beg your Grace’s pardon. I do not quite
understand-
The Duke. Then I will explain. You tell me that Barristers can
now act as Solicitors. Well, you know the old adage, that “blood
is thicker than water,” It is, Mr. Kosts; it is. You will pardon
me, I am sure, if I suggest that the connection of your firm with my
family has not been unlucrative.
Mr. Kosts. On the contrary, your Grace! I may fairly say that
the connection is worth many hundreds a-year to us. We cannot be
sufficiently grateful.
The Duke. Pray desist, Mr. Kosts. The matter is one of pure
business. It really is not at all a question of gratitude. Well, as I
understand you to say that Mr. Needy is quite qualified to under-
take Solicitor’s work-
Mr. Kosts. (blankly). Theoretically, your Grace; theoretically.
The Duke (haughtily). Any relative of the Duchess can reduce
theory to practice.
Mr. Kosts (bowing). No doubt, your Grace; no doubt.
The Duke. Well, as I now find that Charley can do the work I
have hitherto given to you; Mr. Kosts, I feel that some alteration
must be made. Charley is poor, and my relative. So I am sure
you will not be offended when for the future I give him the whole.of
the legal work I used to give to you. You see, after all (as ycu
explained to me just now), it is purely a matter of business !
[ Scene closes in upon Mr. Kosts’ discomfiture.
“The” Charge oe the “Light” Brigade.—“ Three boxes a
penny! ”