Punch (86.1884)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

SSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM

THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday, March 17.—Got to work again at
four this afternoon quite refreshed after long- rest. Home little
before six on Sunday morning, which was great boon. Might have
sat all day and had our Sunday’s sermon brought us between two
plates, as the British workman’s wife carries her lord’s meal.
Suppose that will come later in the Session. At present revel in
comparative leisure and prolonged rest. Expected fresh row at
Question Time. On Saturday Lyulph Stanley made rude remark
about Tim Healy. Tim very properly indignant. Threatened to
tell the Speaker and have Lyulph whipped. On reflection thought
better of it. Perhaps have brought up reference to some of his own
remarks. Needn’t go back later than Thursday when he accused
Trevelyan of conspiracy to murder and Sexton accused Lord
Spencer of lying and cheating and suborning witnesses.

“ Wish he’d come on,” said Edward Clarke, “ Reminds me of my
first brief. Client a professional garotter whose hat had been p] ay-
fully beaten in by a passing policeman. Insisted upon having the
practical joker prosecuted.”

As it was Randolph had to make a little play. He, also, shocked
at strong language. Dilke observed on Saturday Fred Burnaby
not under military compulsion to shoot Arabs with shotted gun.
That, Randolph says, is insult to whole British Army, and insists
upon Hartington repudiating Dilke. Result of scene not quite
what Randolph designed. Meant to vindicate order in House, and
put down growing practice of using strong language. Result, a
squabble, with flat contradictions flying around, House in uproar;
only Randolph calm and possessed, sometimes waving down irate
Radicals, anon with folded arms and darkened brow frowning reproach
on Dilke, and singeing Hartington with lightning of his wrath.

“ So like his great ancestor,” Wolfe said, admiringly, “ The fellow
who used, doncha, to ‘ ride upon the whirlwind and direct the storm.’ ”

Sitting given up to Colonels, who discussed various matters, shunt-
ing the Secretary for War on to midnight, when he explained
Estimates in wearied House. Colonel Milne Home introduced new
Parliamentary procedure. Common thing for Member after delivering
editing harangue to conclude by sitting on his hat. Home first man
tollit on another fellow’s. General Alexander secured corner seat
meaning to make a speech. Beat temporary retreat; left his hat there,
sort of flagstaff to mark his position. Home, returning from charge
against system of examining Army officers for promotion, plumped
down on hat. Diligently straightened it out, and brushed it in vain
effort to make it look as if nothing particular had happened. Pretty
to see him later, when Alexander returned, furtively watching to see

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whether he noticed anything. Alexander did, but, concluding that
it was the Government who were at bottom of it, only shook his head.

“What can you expect,” he said to Sir Walter Barttelot,
“ from a Ministry that has Gladstone at its head and Chamberlain
with his Caucus at its back. Even our hats are not safe.”

Business done.—Army Estimates in Committee.

Tuesday.—House still talking of Harcourt’s great speech of
Saturday, after Division on Labby’s well-meant Amendment.

“So,” said the Home Secretary, on Saturday, caressing his
bountiful chin, “this dirty trick hasn’t succeeded, after all.”

Only nine words (same number as the Muses, Lord Mayor
reminds me) but full of point. Question is, what’s going to be
done for Hicks-Beach ? Only for Sir Michael, who, sitting with
All Angels on Front Bench, overheard oration, the speech would
have had very limited audience, and immense advantage to Liberal
Party of having case put in nutshell for popular use lost.

“We must do something for Beach,” Hartington said, as he
took a cup of tea with Gladstone on Sunday.

“ Hicksackly,” said the Premier. But nothing more passed at
the time, William being limited, by order of Andrew Clark, to
one word per quarter of an hour.

Labby going about triumphant after his little game of Saturday.

“ You nearly left us without a.Ministry,” I said to him. “ Fine
fun, but what about your Constituents ? How do they like your
coalescing with Randolph and Parnell to turn out our only
Government?”

“ My constituents are all right,” said Labby, “ as long as I stick
to Bradlaltgh, and move to reduce Yotes on account of the Royal
Family. As to Egyptian politics, they ’re altogether muddled. Don’t
know the difference between Osman Digna and Osman Morgan.”

Morning Sitting to-day to pass Second Reading of Cattle Plague Bill.
Both sides aflxious to see Bill getting on. Got on very well up to
eighteen minutes to seven, when Kenny appeared on scene, and string-
ing words together for space of twelve minutes, talked the Bill out.

“ Seen a good deal in the way of degradation of House of Com-
mons,” said Goschen, feeling in wrong place for his eye-glass, “ but
this the most striking exemplification that occurs to me. Here’s
a national interest demands legislation. Two great parties of the
State agree to legislate. Special arrangements made for discussing
measure. Valuable debate takes place. Bill about to be read Second
Time, when there appears on the scene a Manchester counter-skipper,
who, undertaking occasionally to blacken Parnell’s boots, is made
Member of Parliament. Chatters for a few minutes and all the
labour of the day destroyed, and legislation indefinitely postponed.
A great Institution House of Commons, but evidently not adapted to
the times.”

House Counted Out at nine o’clock. Business done.—Hone.