Punch (86.1884)

158

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [April 5, 1884.

FOREWARNED.

ENDYMION IMPROVED.

{From the Scientific Point of View.)

“ Our civil engineers are doing a great work by surrounding
the minds of the people from their birth until their death with
the symbols of the scientific faith.”—Professor Huxley at the
Banquet of the Institution of Civil Engineers.

Symbols of Science are a joy for ever.

Their pregnancy increases, they shall never
Pass into prettiness, but still will keep
Their hideousness whether we wake or sleep.

They haunt our dreams, like nightmares check our
breathing,

Dull fancy which, with fine fantastic wreathing,

Of flowery whims would beautify the earth,

Spite of bad climate, of the man-caused dearth
Of Nature’s gifts, of London’s gloomy days,

Of the mud-cumbered and fog-darkened ways
Made for our plodding in ; but spite of all
Symbols of Science shall retain the pall
On our dark spirits. Such, in glare of June,

The Railway Station, a most blessed boon
For simple folk ; and such are monster bills
And the blank walls they sprawl on ; the sharp shrills
Of railway whistles, and the row they make
With snorting steam and the continuous brake ;

The girder-bridges and the bald blank domes,

And belching blow-holes. Oh, not all the tomes
Of doctrine written by the pious dead,

All creeds that we have ever heard or read,

So nourish “ faith ” as gloom, and row, and stink—
At least so Science hints. What do you think ?

Employment fob Mashers!—The following, from the
Daily Free Press (Aberdeen, March 24), might be posted
up over the Stall Entrance at the Oaiety Theatre !—
/tOMPETENT MANAGER Wanted for Highland Distil-
vJ lery. Must Engage to take Entire Charge, and personally
do the Mashing. Salary, £150.

Here’s an opportunity ! Don’t all speak at once ! The
Hieland Lassies are anxiously waiting to see who “ accepts
the situation.”

Good Samaritan {to Friend, who, we are sorry to say-). “I ’ll see you Home. ”

Culprit. “ Shee me Home! Mun, ye dinna ken ma Wife! You’ll
ca’sch it ! ! ” {Offer thought better of.

Mabch came in like a lamb, rather fresh. Then it
was hot lamb, then lukewarm lamb, and then most
decidedly cold lamb.

IN RE MATRIMONY RATHER MIXED.

{Being Additional Suggestions for embodiment in Professor Bryce's
“ Unfortunate Infants Bill.")

1. A Motheb shall have the power to appoint by deed or will that
her Husband shall wash all the Children under the age of three.

2. A Father may direct his Wife to accompany her Sons (until
they reach the age of one-and-twenty) on any visit to a music-hall
they may undertake, after the hour of nine in the evening.

3. A Mother may require her Husband to wheel any perambulator
between the hours of ten in the morning and six in the afternoon.

4. A Father may call upon his Wife to give instruction in
smoking to any Son who shall attain the age of fourteen.

5. A Mother may order her Husband to dress the hair of any
Daughter after that Daughter shall have reached the age of sixteen.

6. A Father may insist upon his wife giving practical instructions
to any Son elected to the Gun Club, in pigeon-shooting.

7. A Mother may desire her Husband to serve the nursery dinner.

8. A Father may cause his Wife to instruct her Sons in athletics,
inclusive of lofty tumbling, fencing, and the use of the dumb-bells.

9. A Mother may expect her Husband to mend all the Children’s
clothes.

10. A Father may advise his Wife to teach the Children mixed
mathematics.

And Additional Clause {inserted by the Shrieking Sisterhood).—
For the purposes of this Act, every Man shall become a Husband, but
shall not marry any Woman who has not reached the age of, at least,
five-and-forty. _

Mbs. Ramsbotham heard her Nephew observe that a certain leader
of modern thought has been named among the master spirits who
“ dare to march in the van of modern progress.” “ Ah ! ” said his
Aunt, “ I suppose that’s what they call ‘poetic licence,’ because it
certainly isn’t fact. You ride in a van, you don’t march in it. But,
there, Poets will say anything! ”

THE ACTRESS AND HER SUITORS.

Deak Mb. Punch,—There is not the least particle of truth in the
rumour that Miss Maby Andeeson is about to be married to Mr.
Gladstone, the Speaker of the House of Commons, Sir Robekt Peel,
the Governor of the Bank of England, Lord Wolseley, Lord Ten-
nyson, the Master of Balliol, Lord Randolph Chubchill, Colonel
Feed Burnaby, Mr. J. L. Toole, the Lord Chamberlain, Marquis
of Bute, the President of the College of Surgeons, Mr. Labouchere,
Captain Burton, the Archbishop of Canterbury, the Lord Mayor,
Baron Rothschild, Lord Henry Lennox, Mr. Spurgeon, Mr.
Montagu Williams, Mr. Marriott, Sir Frederick Leighton, or
the Maharajah Duleep Singh. I must beg you at once to deny all
or any of these rumours which have, in some unaccountable fashion,
gained currency. I happen to know that many of the above-
mentioned are married men,—and so their pretensions are out of the
question ; and, moreover, I also happen to know that the accom-
plished American Actress has long been engaged to yours most
faithfully, The Only One She Ever Loved.

Dubious.—Of course we mustn’t say anything pendente lite, but we
cannot help calling the attention of our readers to Lord Coleridge’s
statement, as reported in the Pall Matt Gazette last Friday, when,

“ On their Lordships taking their seats, the Lord Chief Justice said :—‘ I
am sorry to be obliged to say that the Court is not in a condition to-day to
pass sentence in this case.’ ”

What did this mean ? The Court ‘ ‘ not in a condition to pass sen-
tence ” ! As the song has it, “ So early in the morning ! ”

The East wind has been cruelly bad during the last part of Lent,
but what will it be when it’s Easter!!

Tory Motto.—“ The Wiggest goes to the wall.”