Punch (86.1884)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[January 12, 1884.

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS.

Since this ’84 is a new institution,

We ’ll honour the year and turn o’er a fresh page,

Let each man and woman one good resolution
Now make, ’tis a fashion which should be the rage.

Though Harrison raves about Comte and his preaching,
Enwrapped in a mad metaphysical mist,

Far better be sure is our sensible teaching—

Each positive man is a Positivist.

Let JonN, for example, leave practical joking
To others, and so escape family jars ;

While Walter, whose highest ideal is smoking,

Gives up fur the nonce his gigantic cigars.

Let Mary in future believe she can please a

Young “ Chappie” by wearing her hair very plain ;

And since it brings gout, we ’ll suggest to Louisa
The manifest dangers that lurk in Champagne.

That third glass of Port and that ancient Madeira
Shall tempt us no more as they did in old time,

Henceforward we start on a virtuous era,

While bric-a-brac buying shall count as a crime.

So here’s to the Year that has just dawned before us,

To fair Eighteen Hundred and Eighty and Four !

Our good resolutions shall echo iu chorus,

And most people keep them—a fortnight or more !

Helps for Phelps.

“And did you not hear of a jolly young Water man,
who at Blackfriars Bridge used for to ply ? ” Of course
you did. But what is more to the purpose, have you
heard that that jolly old Waterman, John Phelts, who
used to ply between Putney and Fulham, is at the present
time not so well off as he deserves to he. He is now in
his seventy-ninth year; he can no longer feather his oars
with skill and dexterity, the profession of Ferryman is
now wellnigh obliterated, and the rapid stream of progress
has left good old John Phelps stranded. Mr. Punch
sincerely trusts that the large army of boating men, and
the many lovers of the dear old Thames, will all give
something to cheer the winter days in the life of this
Veteran. Subscriptions will be received by Messrs.
Robarts, Lubbock & Co.

A Proverb Applied.—No (English) man is a hero to
a (M. Jules) Valles.

“OLD FRIENDS.”

* “ You SEEvI DEPRESSED, DEAREST! ANYTHING IN THE PAPER?”

| “Yes; Carpe has been Praisiag me again, confound him !”

“ Well, Dearest ! ”

“ Well, you know what an envious old Chap he is ' If I’d done any-
thing really good, he’d be down on me like a Thousand of Bricks ! ”

UNJUST RATES !

The two articles under the above heading by which Mr. Punch
has warmed the hearts and cheered up the spirits of the poor oppressed
Ratepayers of the Metropolis, have not by any means exhausted the
prolific subject. They have, though, he is glad to read, so stirred
the very soul of the learned Professor who represents in Parliament
the Borough of Southwark, that he has publicly expressed his firm
determination to light on the side of the poor oppressed occupier
against the rich unjust owner, “ till the crack of doom ! ” The Pro-
fessor does not, therefore, apparently anticipate an early victory,
but, like a gallant Professor as he is, intends to light on till all these
cruel wrongs are thoroughly, or Thoroldly, remedied.

Mr. Punch will now, therefore, examine into the iniquities con-
nected with the charge for what, for want of a better name, is
generally called water.” First, as to its source. The far greater
portion of this liquid is drawn, as we kuow, from what is sometimes
still ironically termed the “ Silver Thames.” Of its constituent
parts we will say no more on this occasion than that if anyone
should, from any strange combination of circumstances, want a tho-
roughly valid excuse for not joining the noble army of Blue-Ribboners,
he has but to take his remonstrating and unjovial friend to Staines,
or to one of the other towns above Surbiton that still drains into the
River, to be furnished with such a reason as would convince Sir
Wilfrid Lawson himself.

And now as to the price of this delicious compound, and how that
price is arrived at.

A mere simple innocent, unacquainted with the ways of Water
Companies, and their friends our wise Legislators, would imagine
that one would have to pay for water according to the quantity con-
sumed, and, should he be acquainted with the rather important city
of Berlin, he would know that in that city of common-sense every
house is supplied with a water-meter as with a gas-meter, and that

the sensible Germans pay according to consumption for one as for the
other. In other places a different plan is adopted, but still to a cer-
tain extent a rational and a reasonable one : four shillings per annum
is charged for each room of a house, but with a constant supply of
water, thereby abolishing the nameless horrors of cisterns and water-
butts.

The poorest of the poor could not complain of that, as the charge
for a constant supply of water to their one poor room would be but
a penny per week. But either of these simple and reasonable plans
would be laughed to scorn by our own dear native caterers of what
is generally considered one of the necessaries of existence. So they
invented a scheme that for absurdity, for injustice, for dense stu-
pidity, except, of course, as far as their own interests are concerned,
was perhaps never equalled by bungling legislation, and under its
provisions we have to pay for the water with which we are furnished
not according to the quantity supplied, hut according to the rent of
the house in which we happen to dwell!

Even this is not all, for, emboldened by their success and their
united strength, they insisted on charging their Water-Rate, not on
the same basis as all our other numerous Rates are charged upon,
but upon the gross amount of the value of the premises without any
deduction! This was too much even for the long-suffering Rate-
payer, and a bold Citizen, not perhaps then “ of credit and renown,”
but who deserves to he, so Mr. Punch immortalises him accordingly, j
as T. J. Pearson, of Bishopsgate Street, City, actually brought his !
case into a Court of Justice, and proved that his Water-Rate had I
been increased from £1 16s. x>er annum to £6 16s., while his con- !
sumption of wrater had considerably decreased, and, if supplied by
meter, the charge at the highest rate allowed would be five shillings
and sixpence ! He was defeated in his gallant attempt, but well
deserves the thanks of every Ratepayer.

Then steps forward another gallant man, and being luckily a
lawyer as well as a water-consumer, he resists, as we have all read.