Punch (86.1884)

PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHAPIVAPI.

[January 19, 1884.

MEETING IT WITH SPIRIT.

The Psychical Representative and Aged Ghosts Sustentation Fund
Society held their annual meeting at the Adelphi Shades yesterday
evening. It having been pretty well known beforehand that the
Bishop of Carlisle’s recent article in the Contemporary would lead
to some spirited discussion, the room was already inconveniently
crowded at a comparatively early hour, several distinguished
spectres who could not possibly alter their arrangements and put in
an appearance before the traditional stroke of twelve, being shut out
altogether and unable in consequence to take any part in the pro-
ceedings.

On midnight sounding from the steeple of a neighbouring church,
the Ghost of Hamlet’s Bather was by unanimous consent voted into
the Chair. On rising, he said, that he thought he need, not dwell on
the cause that had brought them together, some of them too a long
distance, and at much personal inconvenience. (A sepulchral voice,

: “ I believe you, Governor ! ”)—It was generally understood by all
! of them. He referred to a ribald article that had lately appeared in an
i influential Review (li Hear, hear!”) He had not perused that
article himself, for the simple reason that, like that very large and
influential class who were interested in apparitions, he could not
read. {Hoars of laughter.) Still he had made a very good Ghost for
all that. He always, without any regard to the discomfort, appeared
in armour—(“ Hear, hear l")—and he felt a personal interest in
opposing any rubbishing new-fangled scientific theory which could
i possibly account for his general get-up. But he left the discussion
in abler hands than his. (“ No ! no ! ”) He would only add that he
j should uncommonly like to hear a good high-class family Ghost give
' his views on the subject. (Prolonged hollow cheers, and loud cries
for the “ Little Blue Man.”)-

The next speaker, who rose amidst a perfect storm of mysterious
ghostly applause, and wore a faded blue coat and a full-bottomed
wig of the last century, said he belonged to an old Wiltshire Manor
House—(“ Hear ! ”}—and was generally known in the neighbourhood
as “ The Little Blue Man.” {Cheers.) He needn’t tell them what
he had done when he was alive—(“ No, no—but he has always
found himself hanging about the premises with a pained expression,
and, whether he liked it or not, making a noise on an upper landing
as if he was playing at football by himself with a large leathern
trunk. {Laughter.) What had the Bishop of Carlisle to say to
that? {Cheers.)

The Beresford Ghost here rose, and said that he considered a mere
family Ghost of that sort that was always appearing, without any
point, to everyone, brought discredit on the whole class. (“ Hear,
hear ! ”) He had on one occasion, but on one occasion only, fright-
ened a near relative into fits. {Laughter.) That was the true busi-
ness of a genuine apparition. Continual shrieking and tumbling
all over the place was vulgar. (“ Hear, hear ! ”)

The Ejected Berkeley Square Spectre wished to ask the last speaker
what a Ghost was to do with himself when he could not keep quiet ?
He had caused a house to be pulled down by his own behaviour, and
he much regretted it, as he now should feel bound to haunt the mere
site, without having the fun. He believed there was to be a pillar-
post erected on the spot. (“ Oh, oh.'”) He asked how he could
comfortably get into that, and frighten people who came with their
letters after twelve ? Yet he supposed he should have to do it.
{Groans.)

A deceased Scotch Hobleman, who had worried all his descendants
for five centuries by gliding about a sentry-box on Christmas Eve,
said nothing was easier. He generally appeared as a large black
hound with red fiery eyes, and found it most effective. (“ Hear,

CLEARING THE PROSPECT.

GIRL GRADUATES.

[At the half-yearly meeting of the Convoca-
tion of the University of London, which has just
been held, Lady Graduates for the first time took
part in the proceedings.]

Girl Graduates! Old Dons, declare
AYu think the innovation pleasant,

To sit in Convocation there,

And find, strange sight, the Ladies present-
Fuil surely you must all confess,

’Mid high debate in Greek or Latin,

You love the rustle of a dress,

And academic silks and satin.

With brow serene and earnest looks.

Those learned Ladies took their places;

A Poet said that all his books
Consisted of fair women’s faces ;

So London Dons, methinks, will steal
Full many a glance'of admiration,

And, after this gay meeting, feel
There’s pleasure e’en in Convocation.

With such an audience, I opine,

The men will feel themselves quite heroes ;
’Twill mend their manners, and the line
Goes on “ Nec sinit esse feros.”

If Place aux dames ! should make the fair
Preside, a curious question this is—

How should a man address the Chair,

If Mr. Chairman is a “ Missis ” ?

Thus Woman wins. Haul down your flag.
Oh, stern misogynist, before her.
i However much a man may brag
Of independence, he ’ll adore her.
Traditions of the bygone days
Are cast aside, old rules are undone;

In Convocation Woman sways
The University of London.

RATHER A LARGE ORDER.

Mrs. P. de T. “Well, good-bye, dear Duchess! Oh, by the way, may I bring Yon
Humm to you to-morrow night ? He’s the Great Organist, you know ! ”

Her Ghrace. “By all means ! And tell him to bring his Instrument with him.”

During the past few days the weather
round the coast has been so foggy that the
view of the sea has been altogether mist.
(hders have been telegraphed to the Coast-
Guard to at once turn out and sweep the
horizon with their telescopes. Let ns hope
that, after the efforts of these sea-scaven-
gers, there Avill be no more dirty weather.