Punch (86.1884)

March 15, 1884.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

131

THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday, March 3.—“Thought it would
come to this,” said the Doorkeeper, as he gently but firmly led the
Gentleman out. Gentleman had. been attempting to address the
House from the Speaker’s Gallery: well known to be contrary to
law. Had come in as usual at Question Time, taken his seat
right in centre, and observed proceedings with usual keen interest.

“Mad, quite mad,” he muttered, when Wilfrid Lawson- found
opportunity for Conservatives to go on the rampage on Egyptian
question. “Wonder they let these sort of flighty persons into the
House. Talk about Redistribution of Seats! What we want is
Redistribution of Members, some of them being left outside.”

Was not, however, till Randolph appeared that the Gentleman
began to attract general attention. Randolph, excited beyond
measure by iniquity of Government, who after six nights’ debate on
policy in Egypt will not at interval of three days make further series of
long speeches explaining the thrice-explained policy. With foot well
out and manly forefinger wagging at trembling Premier, Randolph
roared. Gentleman in the Gallery began to work his forefinger.

“Where,” cried Randolph, throwing up his right arm, “is the
Right Honourable Gentleman the Member for Birmingham?” (Gen-
tleman in Gallery threw up his right arm as if he was on same sema-
phore system as Randolph). “ And where,” Randolph thundered,
“ is the Member for Merthyr ? ”

Up went Randolph’s left arm pointing to avenging glass roof. Up
went left arm of Gentleman in Gallery. An arm each did for Bright
and Richard ; hut when Randolph returned to the Premier, both
arms went up, and tearing to pieces a page of his notes, he strewed
the fragments on the floor. This was too much for Gentleman in
the Gallery. Standing up, flinging both arms up, clenching his
hands and wringing them as if he would tear them to pieces and cast
them on the floor, he cried out, “ Mr. Speaker, Sir, don’t-”

Here Address ended. Rule of House which limits speech to one
Member at a time already strained. Randolph and Premier
nagging at each other across floor. Really couldn’t have anonymous
Gentleman joining in from Speaker’s GaUery. So elderly Mes-
sengers, always kept in training for Bradlatjgh, appeared on scene,
and led him forth.

.“ Knew how it would be,” one of the Doorkeepers moaned, shaking
his head ruefully. “ Decent a man as y’ever saw when he first
came. Sat through the six nights’ Debate on Yote of Censure.
Could see he was beginning to grow shaky. Came on again with Debate
on Franchise BiR. Mind evidently tottering. Warned him, but no

use. Came again to-night, and there y’are. Nobody can stand it.
Would Have been in Bedlam myself years ago, only for my mate taking
turns about.” Business done.—County Suffrage Bill brought in.

Tuesday.—Dreadful rumour about the House to-night. Said Lord
Mayor Dawson, tempted by the paltry pittance of a Government
office, is about, to abandon Imperial Politics, and take to CoUecting
Rates. Sensation something like what would follow on news that
Bismarck was going into the Bathing-machine business, or Glad-
stone setting up as a Timber Merchant.

Whether seated on Front Bench below Gangway in Lord Mayoral
robes, so that nothing might obstruct view of his scarlet cloak,
his golden chain, his Damascene blade, and his massive lower limbs
in velvet shorts and silk stockings ; whether demolishing the Govern-
ment, or pouring contempt on Parma and on Spain (meaning Lord
Cl add Hamilton and Lord Crichton) ; whether with gracious
humility quoting the opinion of “ One more illustrious than I ” ;
whether describing his descent on Derry with graphic gorgeousness
of phrase that Macaulay might have envied; or whether simply
sitting listening in the costume of the period, with one leg crossed,
arms folded, and falcon eye fixed on the foe, the ex-Lord Mayor is
exquisite. If he wants £1,200 a-year, let us subscribe it, and keep
him with us. Dawson’s colleagues indignant at report. If there’s
£1,200 a-year going begging, general opinion that it isn’t fair Dawson
should have it. Several been in the House longer than him, and
made much more noise.

Debate on Young Balfour’s Motion on Housing of Poor. Sir
Sydney Waterlow back again after going round the world in search
of information on question. Has watched the housing of the poor in
Chinese quarter of San Francisco, spent an evening wandering through
the purlieus of Tokio, seen how the poor live on the Canton River,
studied Malay house-architecture at Singapore and Penang, and
hutted with the humble Indian on the sterile plains by Allahabad.

“ Waterlow’s quite at high-water mark on this subject,” Dilke
said, listening to his speech. Elsewhere uneasy feeling that since
matter has been referred to Royal Commission waste of time to be
debating it at length. Still speeches ready and must be delivered.

Business done.—None.

Wednesday.—Amid uproarious applause from Mr. Harrington,
Sexton delivered stupendous speech. Began at four o’clock; finisher!
at five. Might as well have gone on till seven, only House usually
rises at six on Wednesdays.

‘ An incoherent assemblage of sentences distantly connected by
chain, of vituperation” is Mr. Gibson’s description of Sexton’s
peculiar form of oratory.

It is certainly remarkable, but it greatly pleased Harrington,
more especially when Sexton genially alluded-to Irish Landlords as