Punch (86.1884)

May 3, 1884.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

215


EXTRACTED FROM

THE DIART OF TOBY, M.P.

Home of Commons, Monday, April 21.—Both Houses met to-
day after the Easter Recess. Hot very lively in either. Gladstone
looking’ positively ruddy. Randolph a little pale and worn. Pulled
up later when row came on about Wellington Statue. IJp to then
sat moody and languid.

“ We must look after him,” said Wolff, with tear in his voice.
“ He’s too reckless of his precious life. Says he can’t sleep at nights.
Offered to put on nightcap, sit up with him and read Jacob Bright’s
letter on the Congo Treaty, or Sir John Ltjbbock on Proportional
Representation. Said he would not trouble me but wait and hear
Dr. Cameron on Procurator Fiscals in Scotland. This soothed him,
and when Jesse Collings took up another hour with speech on
Allotments, Randolph found repose.

House got into Committee at Ten. Shaw-Lefeviie pestered with
all kinds of questions about Royal Palaces. Evidently never dared
to have put them himself. Turns out that there are at Royal Mews
230 great Officers of State disguised as stable-boys who have 100
horses to look after. Greatest mystery broods over Hampton Court
Studhouse. Studhouse supposed to result in production, but Labby
asked in vain, “ Where are the foals ? ”

“ Must he foals somewhere, don’t you know,” he said, pressing
the unhappy First Commissioner, “where are they?” Shaw-
Lefevre hung his head guiltily. Begin to think there’s more in
this than meets the eye. Labby, whose theatrical experiences are
sometimes useful, if not lucrative, talks of placarding London with
large bills. First; “ Keep your eye on this.” Second (after due
interval); “Where are the Foals?” What with that and getting
Caucuses to work, expects to rouse public feeling on the subject.

Great talk about Duke of Wellington Statue. Sir R. Peel, who,
after all, is on occasion funny, gravely says he wants to have mon-
strosity replaced. On this subject the voice of Burnley heard.
Peter, as Art-Critic, very good. His description of Lawrence
Statue, especially his dramatic delineation of its “ protuberance of
body” brought down House. Business done.—Few Yotes taken.

Tuesday.—Morning Sitting in Commons. Towards Five o’Clock
Dodson began to see Government defeat looming through the Fogg
which is his customary companion. Cattle Plague Bill on. Question
of counties against boroughs, meat-producer against meat-consumer.
Earthquake in the morning. Political parties all mixed up in the
evening. Heneage, a good Liberal, leads Opposition against the
Government. Randolph, not unknown as a Conservative, goes into
Lobby with Liberals.

“I’m afraid,” says Randolph, amid appreciative laughter,
“maintenance of Lords’ Amendment will adversely affect urban
populations.”

“But surely Woodstock is not an urban population?,” says
Sewell R,ead in his matter-of-fact way.

“ Ho, but Birmingham is,” says Randolph. Then Read began to
see it, and laughed—a little late. Curious effect this single burst of
laughter after general roar over.

For once Dodson saw clearly through Fogg. Government defeated
by 185 votes against 161. In general jumble of things Forster
appeared as champion of Government. Massive frame trembling
with honest indignation, manly voice choked with emotion because
Beach had been “ saying things” about Government. Gladstone,
clutching blotting-pad between both hands, sits sternly scanning the
uproarious Opposition with every vestige of colour fled from cheeks,
face suddenly grown thinner, wrinkles deeper, and eyes feverishly
bright. Dances upon Beach for a few fond moments, casts his
mangled body aside, and then, anger having blazed out, sets himself
with forced calmness to show necessity of forthwith reporting
progress.

“ Think we’ve got them on the hip this time,” said Coleridge
Kennard to Chaplin. “They ’ll never be able to force their Amend-
ment through the House.”

“Thev’ve one chance,” said Chaplin, gloomily. “ They might
give us Dodson to lead the Opposition.” At Evening Sitting Irish
Members just succeeded in making House, so that Sir Joseph Gillis
might put knightly lance in rest on behalf of certain Irish Ladles.
When the preux chevalier had pranced round for a few minutes
Armistead moved Count. Pretty to see indignation of Healy,
Harrington, O’Brien, and Joey B. himself. Couldn’t have been
more shocked had they discovered Armistead picking Sir George
Balfour’s pocket as he slept. “Counts Out, like bad. language,
evidently monopoly of these gentlemen,” said Member for Dundee,
when he found himself safe in Palace Lard. “ They won’t let me,
once in way, do ‘ Armistead of them.’ ”

Business done.—Great case decided. Dear Meat versus Cheap
Meat. Yerdict for plaintiff. Costs to be borne by working
men.

Wednesday.—Met Harcourt going down early. to House this
afternoon buried in chin and deep thought. Looking across space
and so far over my head. Gave short cough. (Sharp bark some
people call it.) Harcourt started. Seemed angry. ‘ Hot a tune
for larking, Toby,” he said. “ Had shock enough with this Earth-
quake. „ „ „ , ,,

‘ Such omens met the eye when Cesar fell.

“ Meaning Gladstone ? ”