Punch (86.1884)

242

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 24, .1884.

“THE CHIEF” DIFFICULTY.

The Lord Chief Justice having declared that he has
never heard of Mr. Corney Grain, Miss Connie Gil-
christ, and, lastly, of a well-known London evening
paper, it has been decided to attempt to complete his
education. The matter will probably be taken up by the
School Board. It is rumoured that, as a move in the
right direction, some of the members of the Council have
prepared a test. If the report proves to be true, no
doubt the paper will closely resemble the following:—

Easy Examination foe, Loud Coleridge.

Theatrical.

1. What do you know about Mr. Irving besides the
facts that you presided at his farewell dinner, and made
a-rather inflated, and somewhat ignorant speech thereat?

2. Was Garrick an original member of the palatial
Club of that name in Covent Garden ?

3. Have you ever heard of Shakspeare ? If you
answer in the affirmative, state in the following list
which you think were his plays—Hamlet, Box and
Cox, Ingomar, Nita’s First, Othello, and The Corsican
Brothers.

4. Were “ the Kemble family” acrobats ?

5. Give the names of any three Pantomimes in which
you think Chaeles Kean appeared as Pantaloon.

6. Have you ever heard the name of Miss Maby
Andeeson ?

Literary.

1. Did Lord Tennyson ever write anything before he
was raised to the Peerage P

2. Is the Times newspaper published more than once a
week ?

3. Do you know how to read and properly pronounce
surnames of less than three syllables ?

4. Name any Author other than Lords Lytton,
Macaulay, Houghton, and the Poet Laueeate.

5. Would you be surprised to hear that there once
was a writer called Colebidge ?

6 and Last. State whether your reading has extended
to the Booh of Snobs.

RECIPROCITY.

“Vat? You have never been in France, Meess ! Zen ’ow are you

ARRIVED AT so VELL SPEAKING ZE FRENCH ? ”

“ Oh, well, Monsieur ! at School, you know, the Girl who sat next
to me at Dinner used to eat my Fat, and I used to do her French
Exercise for her ; so I got lots of Practice ! ”

A Note for a Bow Belle.—The clever Authoress
of Dandie has struck the mark once more in Poisoned
Arrows, a Novel as full of points as its title. It may be
fairly said that Miss Jane Middlemass in her character
of lady archer, is sure to find her latest shaft imbedded
in the gold of public favour.

THE LAZY MINSTREL'S SPARROW.

In the Times “ G. F. C.” told a strange historee—

But nothing to that told hereunder—

Of a Sparrow he caught, who became, when well taught,
An ornithological wonder!

But its exploits will pale, if you ’ll list to my tale—
Thoughlimits of verse are too narrow—

I ’ll endeavour to paint, though my colours are faintj
My very remarkable Sparrow!

He has notions on Art, which he longs to impart—

He loathes the gesthetical swindle ;

You will scarcely refuse to encourage the views
He has about Huxley and Tyndal.

He ’s a good hand at Pool, he can imitate Toole —

His wit is as sharp as an arrow—

He lawn-tennis loves, or a bout with “ the gloves,”

My merry young versatile Sparrow !

He has thoughts, I ’ll be bound, that are vastly profound,
On Coinage, and Thrift, and Cremation ;

You will quite understand his opinions on Land,

On Housing the Poor, and Taxation.

Upon Chancery wards, and the Commons and Lords,

The merits of Eton and Harrow—

You will never gainsay, but regard with dismay
My most intellectual Sparrow !

He is glad to partake of a juicy beef-steak—

Of ’Thirty-four Port he’s a lover ;

He delights in ice-cream, and his eyes brightly gleam
O’er aspic of eggs of the plover !

He will often enjoy a good drink of the “ Boy,”

And toast he loves garnished with marrow:

He is fond of game-pie, likes his Curacoa dry—

This rare gastronomical Sparrow !

Ah! he knows what is what. He can dance a gavotte,
And warble Rossini or Handel ;

He can play at piquet, smoke a mild cigarette,

And pick up the choicest of scandal!

You will not find his match in the leaves or the thatch,
Search England from Penzance to Jarrow ;

You will ne’er meet a bird, I declare on my word,

To equal my wonderful Sparrow !

“ HOW PLAYS ARE MADE."

The Pall Mall Gazette’s Young Man has interviewed Mr. W, S.
Gilbert, Mr. Sims, and Mr. Pinero on this subject, and each of
these Gentlemen has given his idea of how Plays are made, or rather
of how each one of them would make a Play if he had it to do.

The P. M. G.’s Young Man of course came to ns; but as it appeared
that he only wanted a receipt for Playmaking, we thought we would
keep it to ourselves, just as the monks of the Grand Chartreuse keep
the secret of “ How Chartreuse is made ” to themselves.

But as the above-mentioned Gentlemen have spoken,. we have no
objection to offer a few hints which may be of some service to anyone
who is now engaged on, or who purposes to go to work on Play-
) making.

First, then, the expression is all wrong. The P. M. G. wants to
know “how Plays are made.” We will answer at once that “ Plays
are made by the acting, by the fashion of the day, by public opinion.”
Let the audience and. the Press he unanimously enthusiastic about
a Play, and that Play is made. How often do we hear he the Actor
or she the Actress “ made ” that Play ? The Play was an indifferent
one, and the acting made it. Bad acting can’t “make” a good