Punch (91.1886)

26 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [July 17, 1886.

PAPEB-KNIEE POEMS.

{By Our Special Book-Marker.)

"THE RIVER OF LIFE."

'Tis a well-contrived story, with incident rife,
By John Latey Junior— The River of Life.

"UNDER TWO FIG-TREES."

A bright tale is a boon to the novel-detester ;

Try this one that is written by H. Feancis Lestee !

"OLD COOKERY-BOOKS."

Here Carew Hazlitt writes—and you '11 read it, I ween-
A long dissertation on ancient cuisine :
'Tis full of rare gossip of cooking and cooks,
And choicest excerpts from old cookery-books.
Well-arranged anil well-indexed, 'tis lively and able,
This record of bygone delights of the table !

"WILDERGRAPHS."
Hebe smiling, frowning, doubting, laughing,
Lamenting, thinking, bowing, chaffing :
All sorts of moods—the stronger, milder—■
By clever Mr. Marshall Wilder :
Are reproduced in studies made
By skilful, graphic Van dee Weyde !

SOLEMN FUNCTIONS OF MASHERDOM.

The Cigarette and Umbrella Drill.

A DIFFICULT TASK.
Look at this from the Athencsum :—

EDITOR. —WANTED, a thoroughly competent and
experienced GENTLEMAN as SUB-EDITOR and MANA-
GER of a New "Weekly Paper, conducted on lines of Democratic
and Liberal Conservatism. Must be able to take sole charge
when required.—Apply by letter only in first instance, Btating
salary required, qualifications, experience, and full particulars,
and enclosing Original Article on present position of Home-Rule
Question, &c.

Anyone capable of inditing " an original article on
present position of the Home-Rule Question" would
probably, just now be a fit inmate for a lunatic
asylum. We should think the final _ clause in this
advertisement would debar any promising young man
with regard for his intellect, from applying for this post
of Sub-Editor.

WASHING OUT.

{A Suggestion.)

A fair Correspondent, who signs herself " The Distressed Owner
of a White Poodle," writes to Mr. Punch and asks, " Why doesn't
somebody during this hot weather start a Company for the erection
of Public Baths for Dogs ? Such an institution," she continues,
" would be hailed with delight by dog-owners in every town where
branch establishments might be built." And she proceeds to point
out that " many ladies, and especially young mistresses of pet dogs
who themselves perform the weekly ablutions on those animals, would
gladly pay to have the exhausting operation done for them, if only
a proper bath, proper soap, and a man who thoroughly understood
the business were guaranteed. I can imagine," she adds, " that on
Saturday mornings the waiting-room of the Public Baths for Dogs
would soon become one of the most fashionable resorts for Ladies
with dogs of all descriptions, from the stolid mastiff with which some
girls stalk about, looking like a living Una and. the Lion, to the little
white poodle, who, of all animals, I think needs the most strenuous—
a j jn t^s wea^'ler almost impossible—efforts in the way of scrubbing
and drying, and combing and brushing, before he can be converted
irom the disreputable sweep he gets by Friday night, into the lovely,
glistening white puff-ball he ought to appear on Sunday."

JSo doubt ilfr. Punch's Correspondent has hit on a very good idea,
and he really sees no reason why some enterprising capitalist should
not take the matter in hand. It ought not to be difficult to provide
the proper soap, or the man who thoroughly understands the business
of scnibbmg, combing, and even brushing the largest-sized and
most stolid-lookmg mastiff. Indeed, as this creature, together with
many of his larger brethren, is often washed at home under un-
toward circumstances, frequently escaping in the middle of the
operation all over soap, and ultimately drying himself on the
drawing-room furniture, anything like professional attendance out
of the house would be surely hailed by his owners. Were the insti-
tution once installed, improvements would soon follow. The
management might undertake the collection of the dirty dogs, and
forward them, clean and properly "got up," to their respective

residences, like the week's washing. The tariff of charges might
depend, in some measure, on the character of the dogs themselves,
a fractious and snappy creature, who resented soap and water being
set down, of course, at a higher rate. On the whole, the idea of
Public Baths for Dogs seems promising, and Mr. Punch trusts
that, in giving it publicity, he may induce somebody to take it up,
and that his Correspondent who possesses a white poodle may not
much longer have to subscribe herself its "distressed owner."

The following comes, under the heading "Apiary," from the
columns of the Bazaar:—" Ligurian or English swarms ready.
Needful articles offered for tall men's trousers." What articles can
these be ? Is it a set of chain armour ? Yet, what special service
would that be in the case of tall men's trousers t Surely the
"needful articles" must be leggings, to meet the trousers that are
probably too short for the tall man, and so prevent the invasion of
the " Ligurian and English swarms," that are said to be "ready."
'' Needful articles ?'' The whole subject is fraught withpam and mystery.

The Governors of Christ's Hospital are advertising for a Warden,
and it is to be supposed that they will get the man they want,
although at first blush it does not look as if it would be a very easy
matter, " The qualifications," says the advertisement, required of
each candidate, are that he be a married man between thirty and
forty-five years of age, and a member of the Church of England, of
superior education, a good correspondent, and with experience
specially calculated to fit him for the duties of discipline and super-
intendence out of school hours of 700 boys, besides the general over-
sight of a considerable number of subordinate officers." It proceeds,
" the duties of the Warden extend to Sundays, as well as to week-
days," and then as if struck with the idea of " all work and no
play," it adds as a saving clause,_ "with some relaxation at the
vacations," but then finishes up, as if on second thoughts it meant to
get as much out of the Reverend Candidate as possible, " that any
gentleman taking the office, must consider his whole time as engaged
by the Governors." As the salary is only £350, with a residence in
the Hospital, and as apparently the office is held subject to re-election
merely from year to year, one would not consider that a very dead