Punch (98.1890)

Wary 18, 1890.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 25

AMONG THE AMATEURS.

No. III.—REALISATION.
SciNE— Theatre Royal, Blankbury, on the first night of the perform-
ance of the well-known Comedy of "Heads or Tails?'' by the
" Thespian Perambulators." Time, 7*50 p.m. A " brilliant and
fashionable assemblage " is gradually filling the house. In the
Stalls are many distinguished Amateurs of both Sexes, including
Lady Surbiton, who has brought her husband and Mrs. Gag-
mobe (Lady Subbiton's particular friend). The rest of the
Stalls are occupied by the immediate friends and relations of
the Actors. A few professional Critics are to be seen. They are
addressed with much politeness by the Amateurs in front of the
House, and "played to" with feverish anxiety by the Amateurs
on the Stage. The Orchestra is composed of excellent Amateur
Musicians. The Curtain has not yet risen.
Lady Surbiton (to Mrs. Gagmoee). My dear, it's a wonder we
ever got here. Chables of course forgot the date, and told me only

yesterday he'd invited some men to
stay for a shoot. He had to listen to
reason, though, and so we spent all
yesterday sending telegrams to put
them off. I've heen at every perform-
ance of The Thespians for yeaTS, and
it wouldn't do to begin missing them
now, would it ?

Mrs. Gagmore. Certainly not, dear,
it would have heen quite a calamity.
There's the Duchess of Middlesex
nodding to you.

Lady S. So it is. (Smiles sweetly at
the Duchess, who is sitting three rows
off.) I call it scandalous of her to come
out like this when both her twins have
got the measles. Did 1 tell you I lent
Mr. Spines my pet parrot, Penelope,
for this performance?

parcot' they 6Ver pkyed il with a

Lady S. Well, they don't usually, but Mr. Spinks told me that,
after studying the piece very very carefully, he had come to the con-
clusion that there ought to be a parrot in Lady Shorthorn's drawing-
»^mVan he begged m,e to lend him mine. Fortunately it scarcely
ever talks. Oh, there's Mr. Peneold ! How old he's getting to
looK. Henever seems tn 1»™ a cmnrl mnvi -p™ ;„ ui_

Spinks (in a whisper of concentrated fury to Jaep). Not yet; take
that infernal parrot away, quick! . . .

Jarp (loses his head; still the Butler is strong within him). Br
Ladyship is served!"

Spinks (aloud). "Oh, nonsense—nonsense, man. You re an
idiot. Here, take this bird, and kill it!"

[Seizes cage, thrusts it into the flustered Jaep s arms, and
pushes him off, the Parrot, horribly frightened, yelling,
i( Old fool!"

Lady Surbiton. How dare he speak of Penelope in that way r
Kill her! If Mr. Jabp so much as lays a finger upon her——

Lord S. She '11 bite him. Oh, you may make your mind quite
easy about that parrot. She's bitten every finger of mine to the bone,
and I'm certain she's quite equal to defending herself against Jaep.
The Act proceeds without any further hitch, until Belinda wheels
on her double perambulator containing two red-headed infants,
one of whom is terrified into tears and calls for " Father ! ' in a
shrill voice. After this everything, however, goes well, and the
Curtain falls amidst thunders of applause.
Behind the Curtain.
Spinks. Yes, Gttshby, I believe you did it. You were closeted
with that parrot for an hour yesterday. I believe you deliberately
taught it to say that, in order to crab my part. What's more, I'm
certain of it, for I distinctly recognised your voice in the parrot's.

Gushby. Pooh ! nonsense ! If I had taught it to say anything, it
would have been something worse than that, you may be sure.

Spinks. You always were kind. As for Jaep, he was in the
plot. Otherwise do you think any man could have made such a fool
of himself ?

In Feont of the Cuetaln.

Lady Surbiton. That's what I've always said. There's so much
esprit de corps and good feeling amongst Amateurs—none of that
wretched jealouBy'and bickering which ruins professionals.

Mrs. Gagmore. It is delightful to listen to them, certainly. They
all look and act like perfect gentlemen. All Mr. Jabp's Butlers are
splendid. You can see at a glance that they have only been with
good families.

behind the cuetain.

Hon. P. Poldero. I fancy we shall have good notices to-morrow
in the Morning Moonbeam. I saw Peneold laughing immensely.

Spinks (down on his luck). Did you ? (Plucking up a bit.) Well,
it " went" capitally. _ It was only that blessed parrot.

[Goes off intending to buy several copies of next morning's
"Moonbeam.''

£?H Hen|,Ier s,eems t0 have a good word to say for anyone in his moonoeam.

critiques They're very late in beginning. I hope nothing has Ilf Feont of the Curtain,

happened to Penelope. Ah! at last, Mr. Penfold (to his neighbour, a brother ii

The Orchestra strikes up. After a few minutes the Curtain rises on
the Drawing-room at Pullivanl Court." Sc. 1, Act 1. Habey
a-ALi, m hvery as John the Footman, is reclining on a sofa,
reaaing a magazine. Penelope, in her, cage, is a conspicuous
object on the o.p. side.

Kti£h\tyau%i"9l- "Nothink in the Fortnightly, as per usual.
Enter Thls ls sl°w work. Who's that?"

"'ft(immI!l'm! ^e Nursery-maid. The usual amatory scene
madeun <f% i disaPPear, as Tieeington Spinks enters
arev Zn,fS4 ,ulonel Debenham," with a saffron complexion, a
A great d ji a red Ue and an iron-grey wig. He shivers,
conscious 0f Ly/relmnn?,y applause. He boivs with dignity,
Col Debenh « " Proceeas-
to sneak sprin-n«w'+n <Fg^' how horribly cold this is. I shall have
Penile °he, j&J?H™™OB3r about the state of his fires."

"Old fool!" [A titter fro^ly-and wU} ^tble. distinctness).

(i, V .m the irreverent. Spinks pays no heed
t j cr iv tt he mterruption.
JAf^mmth^^l ! deolare 1 haven't heard Penelope

Col. Debenham {concluding a peppery soliloquy). "And as for
Lady Shoethorn and that spiteful clt of a sister of hers, all I can

say of Tom Debenham is- '

Penelope (loudly). " Old fool! »
[Whistles up and down the scale. Much laughter. Spinks feels
that violent measures are necessary if the piece is not to be
utterly ruined. He perceives Jaep standing at the wings
made up as BlNNS the Butler. A happy thought flashes on
him. He nods meaningly at Jaep.
Col Debenham (improvising gag). "Oh, confound that bird! I
must have it removed. I 11 ring for the butler."

_. ,. [Pings. Enter Jaep as Btnns,

Bmns. 'Er Ladyship's compliments, Colonel Debenham, and she
would like-"

Penfold (to his neighbour, a brother journalist): Are you
going to write anything about this? I have got to do a short
notice for the Morning Moonbeam. It's no use abusing these
fellows. That's been tried. I '11 give them a little butter this
time, and see whether that won't stop them. How would it do to
say something like this ?—"We advise the Thespians to keep clear
as much as they can of professionalism. Of course, tradition demands
that the ladies' parts should be played by professionals, but the
introduction of a professional parrot and a professional baby in the
First Act was a mistake, which might have ruined the performance."
[His Friend nods approval. Exeunt severally Imagine tableau
next day. Delight of Amateurs on reading the notice of
their performance in the " Moonbeam."

HOLIDAY CATECHISM.

Mr. P. Now little Master Jack Hoenee, from your corner in
Drury Lane what plums do you pick out of the Pantomime ?

Master J. H. The Hansom Cab and King Haeey (Nichoixs) re-
turning home confronted by the Queen, then the Griffiths Cow,
the Giant's Dinner and his Servants, and the Dame Leno's wonderful
Fowl.

Mr. P. What else ?

Master J. H. Lots of things, but at the Circus at Covent Garden,
the Shetland Ponies lovely. _ They come first, so you must be early.

Mr. P. Did you see anything else that pleased you?

Master J. H. I should think so. Such a game! Mile. Gou-Gou
quite shocked my little sister Polly, by her strange conduct. But
when it turned out that he was a man, how we laughed! It teas
funny.

Mr. P. And I suppose you stayed for the Lion ?

Master J. H. You may be sure we did! Polly was a little
frightened at first; but when we found that the Royal Dane Boar-
hound and. the Horse didn't mind him a bit, why we didn't mind
either. Isn't it wonderful? Oh, you ought to go and see them.
They are prime!

Baenum's Motto.—" Tout a fait La Shows."

vol. xevm,

D