Punch (98.1890)

Apeil 12, 1890.] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. _ 169

A SUCCESTION FROM

PUMP-HANDLE COURT.

My Deab Me. Punch,
—As the representative of
Justice in this country, I
appeal to you. And when
I write this, you must not
imagine that I claim, in
my own person, to repre-
sent Justice —no, Sir, I
only to some extent suggest
the Law—a very different
matter. But, Sir, as sug-
gesting the Law, I apply
to you for redress on he-
half of hundreds, nay,
thousands, of members of
a very noble and learned
profession. Sir, you will
have noticed that the Law
Courts are congested. Look
through the daily list (this
you can do when term re-
commences), and you will
find, that although Chan-
cery is doing fairly well,
there is scarcely a move-
ment in Common Law.
The reason for this is
obvious. Nearly all the
Common Law Judges are away, and business is simply at a stand-
still. Now, Sir, I am very reluctant to give their Lordships more
trouble than necessary, but I do think, for all our sakes, that
increased facility should be afforded for trying cases single-handed.
It should be managed in this wise. But here, perhaps, in the
cause of intelligibility, you will permit me to describe my method in
common (dramatic) form.

Scene—A Court in the Queen's Bench Division, Judge seated at
a table covered with telephones. Bar benches empty, two Litigants
[laymen) discovered in the

MAXIMS FOR THE BAR. No. IV. BASTA, PASTER!

Tuesday—The fifty-
sixth day of Signor Don-
ttjcci's sixty days fast was
completed to-day. The
Italian who, on the first
day, weighed 140 lbs., has
lost 100 lbs. up to the pre-
sent, but he seems as con-
fident and cheerful as ever.

A somewhat disagreeable
incident marred the har-
mony of yesterday's pro-
ceedings. A boy, who was
looking on, happened to
drop half a penny bun in
the vicinity of the Signor,
who reached towards it,
and having managed, after
some struggles, which
created much amusement
amongst the onlookers, to
pick it up, was about to
convey it to his mouth.
He would no doubt have
eaten it if the senior
member of the Medical
Committee, appointed to

Show no mercy to the Police ; they have few Friends." watch the proceedings, had

His Lordship. Now, Gentlemen, as you are appearing in person,
you can say and do what you please. It does not matter to
me m the least, to use a colloquial expression, what you are np to.
Ail I would ask is, that I shall not be disturbed until the time comes
for me to deliver my ruling.

Litigants [together). Certainly, my Lord. [They both commence
quarrelling.)

His Lordship [with C. C. C. telephone to ear, and mouth to
corresponding tube). Quite right. I agree with the verdict of the
Jury, and sentence the Prisoner at the Bar to seven years' penal
servitude. (With Q. B. J). No. 4 laid on.) After carefully con-
sidering all the evidence that has been submitted to the Jury, and
^T11^ d,ue wei?ht to the fact that the Defendant's vehicle was
admittedly on the wrong side of the road, I have no hesitation in
declaring £100 damages a just award. [Dropping tube, and taking
up apparatus of Q. £. J). No_ 5, siuing as Divisional Court.) I
^lw!yjC0I1^r m.tb-e judgment my learned Brother has just
wT™4i [Dropping tube, and addressing Litigants before him).
Tih„f™i7 y?7u two geutlemen-how are you getting on P

H^Erdhff AhV T°h' »lease my Lord, we hive mfde it up.
Well now rti/1 8eeA you have had no lawyers to advise you.
SmTunti SSu^J f^' n*
attention in Chambers. (To Vtiil* ^ t^l g I

switched on accordingly. ^ ^ *» that the telephony are

thafltt tt'J^Zt' £°Uld .not such arrangement as
Vwi ? e™ad?+We£ f°-th a^0ve be cached during the present
<mv »Zi Tfh6 s^a,tlonl3Vllreal11y furious. Entre nous, Poetington
and admirable clerk) has not made an entry in my
r bo°} mo/e than a fortmght-on my word of honour, Sir, more
than a fortnight! _ Yours truly,

r> i „ „ i <tt (Siwed) A. Bbiefless, Junioe.

rump-handle Court, Temple, oth of April, 1890.

Routlebge's Atlas of the World is not a short biography of
air. Ldmttnd Yates, but a pocketable (if you've got the opportu-
nity) volume, with sixteen coloured maps. It is pleasant to see
that, though the Atlas bears the imprimatur of Rotjteebge, the
name of Aye is not effaced from the Map of Scotland. True that
Ayrshire is coloured green, but Ayr is quite outside this, in fact it
has got outside the coast-line, and is represented as being quite out
at sea. More in this than meets the eye.

not interfered. The frag-
ment was removed, and it was pointed out to Donttjcci that suoh
an act on his part was unfair not only to himself, but to the large
number of sportsmen who had made bets on the event.
_ Wednesday.—Dae fifty-seventh day of this marvellous feat was
signalised by the appearance of four of the Italian's rib-bones, both
his collar-bones, and one shin-bone. The Medical Committee treat
this'as a comparatively unimportant development of the fast, but to
the outside public, who swarm to the exhibition, the Signor presents
a decidedly dilapidated and ludicrous appearance. He has lost
eight pounds more since yesterday. It was somewhat oomical to
watch nim eyeing a stout young nurserymaid, who had brought a
plump baby with her. Such cannibalistic desires show that our
boasted civilisation is, after all, only skin deep.

Saturday.—An immense crowd had assembled to watch the com-
pletion of the great fast. As the hour approached bets were freely
hazarded on the result, odds of five to four on the Signor's survival
finding a ready market. Much amusement was created by a feeble
murmur from Donttjcci, in which he was understood to declare that
he was starving, one well-known patron of sport asking him, jocu-
larly, if the smell of a beefsteak would do him any good. On the
first stroke of two o'clock an enthusiastic shout rent the air, and a
body of sympathisers insisted on carrying the Italian shoulder-high
through the building and the adjacent streets in procession. We
regret to say that, under their well-intentioned, but not very gentle
handling, Donttjcci suffered severely. Should he suocumb to this
comparatively rough treatment it will be a matter of regret, as his
contribution to scientific knowledge is considerable. From his con-
dition at the end of the fast, it may be now accepted as a fact, that
a man who never eats must ultimately die of starvation.

We understand that the proceeds of this wonderful exhibition of
pluck and endurance are sufficient to make a handsome dividend for
the shareholders an absolute certainty.

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
Cavaley Expedients.—The startling announcement that appeared
a few days since in the papers, to the effect, that from the Offioial
Returns at the War Office it seems that for 18,000 men there
are only 11.000 horses available, certainly justifies you in your
suggestion that the Cavalry Regiments in Her Majesty's Service
should at once be supplied with Four-Wheeled Cabs. In this way,
a seat could be provided for every cavalry soldier in the Army;
and as there would, instead of a deficiency (for four Dragoons,
Lancers or Hussars, could ride in one cab), positively he a surplus of
cattle, an extra horse could be strapped on to the top of each vehicle.
This animal, in the case of the one in the shafts being disabled
in action, could be hauled down and put in its place. The Cabs
might be iron-plated and so offer the advantages of increased pro-
tection to the gallant soldiers inside. A charge of " four-wheelers
would, as you suggest, be certainly a striking if not imposing sight,
and as they drew up on the field of battle, and discharged each their
freight of four, they would certainly surprise a foreign foe. Anyhow
this seems the only method, with the present limited supply oi
horses, of bringing the English Cavalry Soldier, mounted, into action.

vol, xovra.