Punch (98.1890)

June u, 1890.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 277

MAXIMS FOR THE BAB. No. VI.

" Never miss a chance of ingratiating yourself with the Jury, even at the expense of the Judge."
(An opportunity often occurs after Lunch.)

" GOOD OLD GBACE!"

(Doggerel on " The Doctor," by an " Old Duffer.")
" Dr. Grace, who seemed to forget his lameness, played with great vigour and dash, and his cuts
and drives possessed all their old brilliancy."—77i« Times, on the exciting finish in the Cricket Match
between the M.C. C. and the Australians, June 3, 1890.

One hundred and eleven runs, and eighty-five minutes to make 'em in,

And with Turner and Ferris to trundle as fast as they could pitch and break 'em in!

And it looked any odds on Murdoch's men contriving to make a draw of it;

But Cricket, my lads, is a curious game, and uncertainty seems the sole law of it.

So they sent in Grace and Shuter to start. "Well, the Doctor is now called " a veteran,"

But at forty-two when he's on the job 'tisn't easy to pick out a better 'un.

And he " spanked for four," like a lad once more, and he cut and he drove like winking;

Though his leg was lame, he forgot that same, and he " played the game " without shrinking.

And Surrey's Shuter he did his part, and so did Notts' GhjNN, Sir,

Though he might have chucked the game away when the Doctor he managed to out-run, Sir.

It was hard, you see, upon W. Q-. in that way to lose his wicket,

But all the same he had won the game, and had played superlative Cricket.

Forty-three to make, and forty-five minutes! But Grace and Gunn were equal to it;

And a win, with a quarter of an hour in hand, was the satisfactory sequel to it.

The Australians played a manly game, without any dawdling or shirking ;

And if they didn't avoid defeat why it wasn't for want of hard working.

But the stiff-legged " Doctor " who forced the game in the most judgmatical fashion.

And forgot his leg and his " forty year " odd, full flushed with a Cricketer's passion!

Why he's the chap who deserves a shout. Bravo, brave " W. G," Sir.

And when you next are on the job, may the " Duffer " be there to see, Sir!

DEVELOPING HAWARDEN.

" The locality is extremely healthy, and Hawarden will probably become a large residential place,
and a centre of mining industry."—Mr. Gladstone's Evidence before the Commissioners for Welsh
Intermediate Education.

Monday— Wood-cutting. Inconvenient having so many villas built all round park.
Inhabitants inspect everything I do. Nasty little boys (whom I can see over their garden
wall) shout " Yah! " and wave large primrose wreath. Irritating. Perhaps due to healthi-
ness of air. Retire to another part of the demesne. Heavens! what is that erection ? Looks
like a Grand Stand, in a private garden, crowded with people. It is ! Invited (by owner of
garden) specially to view me and (I hear afterwards) my '' celebrated wood-cutting perform-
ance," at a shilling a-head. Disgusted. Go in.

Tuesday— Down local coal-mine. Interesting to have one at Park-gates. Explain to
colliers principle of the Davy lamp. Colliers seem attentive, Ask me at the end for " a
trifle to drink my health with." Don't they know I am opposed to Endowment of Public-
houses P Yes, " but they aren't," they reply. Must invite Wilfrid Lawson to Hawarden.

Wednesday.—Curious underground rumblings. "Wall of Castle develops huge crack.

What is it ? A dynamiteplot ? Can Salisbury have hired-? Herbert comes in, and

tells me the proprietor of Hawarden Salt Mine has just sent his compliments, with a request
that I would " shore up" the Castle. Otherwise "he is afraid it may fall in on his work-
men." Impudence! Why can't they dig under Eaton Hall instead ?

Thursday.—Watkin here. Offers to make
a Tunnel under Castle, from one mine to the
other. "Why a Tunnel? Also wants to dig
for gold in Park. Ask him if there's any
reason to suppose gold exists there ? He says
you never can tell what you may come to if
you bore long enough. " At all events, even
if no gold there, the boring useful if at any

time I feel inclined for a Tunn-" Go in.

Watkin has bored long enough already.(

Friday.—Stephen drops in, and says new
Hawarden Cathedral "—really built to accom-
modate people who come to hear me read
Lessons, only Stephen thinks it's his sermons
that are the attraction—"will soon be fin-
ished." I suggest that he should have "Welsh
" intermediate" services now and then.
Stephen says " he doesn't know Welsh, and
can't see why Welsh people can't drop their
horrible tongue at once, and all speak Eng-
lish." Pained. Tell him he needn't conduct
service—^any Welsh - speaking clergyman
would do. Stephen replies that if he intro-
duced Welsh service, " villa-residents would
boycott the Cathedral altogether." Well,
supposing they do P Stephen retorts that
" I had better have an Irish service at onee,
and get Parnell up to read the Lessons."
Something in the idea. Must think it over.

Saturday.—My usual holiday. Fifteen
speeches. Park literally crammed. Excur-
sionists, colliers, salt-miners, villa-residents,
and Chester Liberals, all seem to find locality
tremendously healthy. All enjoying them-
selves thoroughly. Wish I was. Worn-out
in evening. Begin to wonder what Park and
Castle would fetch, if I were to go and settle
in Hebrides to escape mob.

Sunday. — Escorted by two regiments of
mounted Volunteers to Church. Volunteers
have great difficulty in securing a passage.
Have to use butts of their muskets on more
impulsive spectators. Curious that just at
this point I should Remember Mitchelstown.
Must try and get over the habit. Lessons as
usual. Find a crushed primrose between the
pages, evidently put there on purpose. Those
villa-residents again! Surely Drew might
inspect the lectern before service commences!
Home, and think seriously of Hebrides.

ON THE SPOT.
(By a Practical Sportsman.)
The spot for me all spots above

In this wide world of casual lodgers,
Is not the nook sacred to love;

The " cot beside a rill" of Roger's.
'Tis not the spot which Tommy Moore

Praised in "The Meeting of the Waters."
Avoca's Vale my soul would bore;

I should prefer more lively quarters.
Thy " little spot," Eliza Cook,

Means merely patriotic flummery ;
And Coleridge's "hidden brook"

Won't fetch me, e'en when weather's sum-
mery.

I hold the Picturesque is rot,

" Love in a Cot" means scraps for dinner ;
I only know one pleasant spot,—

I mean the " spot" that " finds a winner!"

Private and Special Literary Intel-
ligence.—Mr. George Meredith's new novel
is to be entitled, Won of the Conquerors. It
would be unfair to the author to mention how
what the Conquerors had conquered was won
from them in turn. "I am at liberty to
inform the public, however," says the Baron
de B.-W., "that William the Conqueror
is not in it with the others. I am able also
to assure his numerous admirers that Beau-
champ's Career is not a medicinal romance,
and has no sort of connection with a certain
widely-advertised remedy."

VOL. XCVIXF,