Punch (98.1890)

Maboh 22, 1890.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

133

Ml

that there is what's called, I think, " a appeal" to sum werry hemi-
MAXIMS FOR THE BAR. No. II. nent Swells called " the Lords of the uncommon Counsel on Eddica-

.i.i, „,„„.„,„,,„,, tul,,H,'jAHWa\mtoamkiimii-iu^ u.mi tion<" and the kind-hearted Church Wardens, as I has before eluded
llllllllllillillllllllllilllllllllillllllllMlliy. I *L_| I . "f| to, means to make one; and ewery kind-hearted Cristian Man and
p^^Jl332SSLLLlMiiid!/J!|J111|l1 ' ' | Ijf: ! Woman as reads my truthful statement, and can feel, as me, and

Lords, and Ladies as well, can, and ort to, and must feel, will wish
'em thurrur suksess in their good, and kind, and mussiful atemt
to hobtane justiss for them as earnt no hows obtane it for theirselves.

Robert.

" Always laugh at the Judge's jokes. It is not upon such an occasion 1 hat
his Lordship observes that he will not have the Court turned into a theatre.

JUSTISS FOB THE PORE.

I 've jest been told another staggerer. Well, it seems then that,
in one of the werry largest and werry poppularest of all the Citty
Parches sum grand old Cristian Patriots of the holden times left
lots of money, when they was ded, and didn't want it no more, to be
given to the Pore of the Parish, for warious good and charitable
hobjecs, such as for rewarding good and respectabel Female Servants
as managed to keep their places for at least^ four years, in despite of
rampageous Marsters, and crustaceous Missuses; also for selling
Coles to werry Pore Peeple at sumthink like four pence per hundred-
weight, be the reglar price what it may; also for paying what's
called, I think, premeums for putting Pore Boys or Pore Gals as
aprentisses to warious trades, so as to lern and laber truly to get
a"! good living when they growd up, insted of loafing about in dirt
and hignorence; likewise for allowing little pensions to poor old
women as is a striving all their mite and main to keep themselves out
of the hated Workhouse; and there are seweral other similar good
purposes as the good Citizens of old left their money for, and hun-
dreds if not thowsands of pore but honest men and women has had
good cause to be grateful to 'em for their kind and pious thort-
fulness, _ ,, , , ,

Well, I hardly xpees to be bleeved when I says, that a law has
been passed that allows sutten werry respectabel but werry hignerant
Gents, called Charity Commissioners, to sweep away ewerry one oi
those truly oharitable hinstitutions, and to make use of all this money
somewheres else, and for sum other objecs, and for sum other peeple !

I ain't so werry much supprized as I ort to be, to learn that the
ouse of Commons—ouse of " Short Commons," I shud call em-has
passed this most wicked Law, cos werry pore peeple am t got
no votes; but I do confess as lam supprised at the most respec-
tabel and harrystoorattick House of Lords a condesendm not
merely to rob a pore man of his Beer, but to rob a poor Made
Servant of her 2 Ginneysreward for behaviour like a Angelf or four long
weary years in the same place, be it a good 'un or a werry ard 'un,
and to purwent a lot of pore hard working Men and Women from
getting their little stock of Coles in at about a quarter of the reglar
price! In course it ain't to be supposed as Washupfool Dooks
and Honnerabel Markisses can know or care much about the price
of Coals, altho there is one Most Honnerabel Markis, from whom I
bort a hole Tun larst year at rayther a high figger, who coud have
told em, and shood have told em all about it, tho' praps he's agin
cheap Coles on principal. And besides all this, it won't I shood
think, be a werry plezzant thort to come across a Noble Dook's or
a Wirtuous Wiscount's mind—if such eminent swells has em, like
the rest on us—when they sees a lot of dirty raggid boys and gals
a loafing about the Btreets, to think that if the money that was left
hundreds of years ago by good men, had been still used as it was
ordered to le used, and has been used for sentrys, these same raggid
boys and gals wood have bin a learning of some useful trade by which
they might have hearnd a desent living.

In course I can hear, with my mmd s ear, as Amlet says, my
thowsendsof simperthising readers shouting out, " What's the use
of your crying over spilt milk?" _ Well, none, of course, but I
happens to have herd that there's still jest one chance left. It seems

HOW WE DO BUSINESS NOW.

BEAK COURT CHAMBERS, BULL LANE, E.C.
circular 1059.

Telegraphic Address—SPIDER.
Telephone Number—BILLION.

MY Dear Sir,—Now is the time to remit to me for the forth-
coming big movements I intend to make during the current
Month. If my last Circular proved true down to the very last
letter this one will be ten times truer. What did I say last
month. I said there would be a big rise in Boomerang Rails,
which were then at llf. In 57i hours after my Circular was
issued they had risen to 110&, and many of my clients made
thousands of pounds. One of them actually making the mag-
nificent sum of £27,876 lis. 4&d. I love to be accurate, so I
give the exact amount.

Now is the time, I repeat. No one out of the millions of
clients, from an Exalted Lady, whom delicacy forbids me to
name, down to the junior waiter at the Pomona, ever lost by

C^-^JS me- 1 also advised, and I repeat it this month,
HUCKSTER TOLL BAR BINKSES.
They were hardly quoted on the Stock Exchange—hardly
known even-when I took them up on the 1st of April last year.
Where are they now ? At 119 ! And they will move on to 219
before the year ends. I have means of information possessed by
none besides me. 1 have a wire of my own laid on to every
Embassy house on the Continent; every attache, every drago-
man is my correspondent, and more than one Crowned Head has
honoured me with the secrets of his last Council, or of his
resolves on War or Peace. I myself am a Power. I can make
and unmake and ruin homes as well as any Czar or Emperor.
But I bind the clients who trust me with bands of iron.
Again I say buy
/^(HUCKSTER TOLL BAR BINKSES.

KJ _ Remit the necessary Cover to me at once. Small sums com-
bined make large ones, and you cannot begin too soon. Five-
pence (a sum you would throw at a crossing-sweeper) covers
Five Pounds. Here is my scale:—

£1 covers £1000.
£5 ,, £5000.
£20 ,, £200,000.

But send me whatever you like, and it will prove the most im-
portant act of your life ; one you will never forget.
Again I say buy
p HUCKSTER TOLL BAR BINKSES.

KJ There is fascination in their very name. Don't do the thing
weakly. Act on the advice of that great man Barry Lyndon,
and speculate grandly. Take the history of one out of thousands
of fortunes made by me for others:—

A BANK CLERK, hard up, desperately pressed by his duns,
had received a small remittance from his father, a struggling
Clergyman. The sum amounted to £50, just enough to pay the
young fellow's bills, and leave him a paltry sovereign. Do you
think he was such a fool as to have read my Circular in vain ?
He very wisely brought the money to me. I bought Boome-
rangs at llf. In 57J hours that young man was a millionnaire.
He has magnificent chambers on the Embankment; shows him-
self in the Row at the present time; would not look at a cigar
under half-a-crown; and has not entirely forgotten the claims
of his family, for to my knowledge he has remitted several
pounds to his younger brothers.—Again I say,
UY BOOMERANGS OR CHUCKSTERS.

One Word of Caution, and I conclude Circular 1059. Be vert
Cautious oe Some P^0™5.1 know. Once trust vourself to
them, and it is all U. P.—Wire immediately (and send the neces-
sary cover) to Yours truly, ZAGH. SPYDUR.

P.S.—When once you have tasted the joys of speculation, you
will think and care for nothing else. The click of the Tape
Machine is music to you. I have one going all night in my
bed-room. . _

Suggestion eor Advertisement oe St. James's Theatre.—"As
You Like It,"—come and see it!

voi xovm.