Punch (98.1890)

may 3, 1890.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. _205^

MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS.

No. X.—TOMMY AND HIS SISTER JANE.

Once more we draw upon, our favourite source of inspiration—
the poems of the Misses Taylob. The dramatist is serenely confident
that the new London County Council Censor of Plays, whenever that
much-desired official is appointed, will highly approve of this little
piece on account of the multiplicity of its morals. It is intended to
teach, amongst other useful lessons, that—as the poem on which it
is founded puts it—" Fruit in lanes is seldom good" ; also, that it is
not_always prudent to take a hint; again, that constructive murder
is distinctly reprehensible, and should never he indulged in hy persons
who_ cannot control their countenances afterwards. Lastly, that
suicide may often be averted hy the exercise of a little savoir vivre.

characters.

Tommy and his Sister Jane (Taijlorian Twins, and awful examples).
Their Wicked Uncle {plagiarised from a forgotten Nursery Story,

and slightly altered).
Old Farmer Copecr {skilled in the use of horse and cattle medicines).
Scene—A shady lane; on the right, a gate, leading to the farm;

left, some bushes, covered with practicable scarlet berries.
Enter the "Wicked Uncle, stealthily.
The W. TJ. No peace of mind I e'er shall know again

Duet—Tommy and Jane {with step-dance.)_
Tommy [dancing, with his mouth full). These berries ain't so bad—

although they've far too much acidity. _
Jane {ditto). To me, their only drawback is a dash of insipidity. _
Tommy {rudely). But, all the same, you're wolfing em with

wonderful avidity!
Jane {indignantly). No, that I'm not, so there now l
Tommy {calmly). But you are!

Jane. And so are yoii '

[They retire up, dancing, and eat more berries—after which
they gaze thoughtfully at each other.
Jane. This fruit is most refreshing—but it's curious how it cloys
on you!

Tommy {with anxiety). I wonder why all appetite for dinner it
destroys in you!

Jane. Oh, Tommy, you are half afraid you've ate enough to poison
you ?

Tommy. No, that I'm not—so there now! &c, &c.

[ They dance as before.
Tommy. Jane, is your palate parching up in horrible aridity ?
Jane. It is, and in my throat's a lump of singular solidity.
Tommy. Then that is why you're dancing with such pokerlike
rigidity.

[Refrain as before; they dance ivith decreasing spirit, and
finally stop, and fan one another with their hats.

Till I have cooked the geese of Tom and Jane ! I Jane. I'm better now that on my brow there is a little breeziness.

But —though a naughty — I'm a nervous j . Tommy. My passing qualm is growing calm, and

nunky, ^A * tightness turns to easiness.

For downright felonies I feel too funky! aCJ ,fX ' V j , | i a Jane. You seem to me tormented by a tendency

I'dhireassassins-butof late the villains m%i. .;\ - pM,^K to queasiness? ' '

Have raised their usual fee to fifteen shillm's! ,y.p" . < j,; -r, ::| ,-i r , [Refrain ; they attempt to continue the dance

Nor, to reduce their rates, will they engage ' , ■. -v wVv^C v» "' — but suddenly sit down side by side.

(Sympathetically) For two poor orphans who are .Apr „« "• *i .-' « - Jane (with a gasp). I don't know what it is—

under age! . i.\ v-J^.-.'- - '' !f < (SsfcX' *£>"\ but, oh, I do feel so peculiar!

So (as I'd give no more than half a guinea) ';>." < hhtcw . v , • Sjg Tommy doith a gulp). I've tumults taking place

I must myself get rid of Tom and Jenny. , $'%»i7Aa9lWu« <^®»VlB- within that I may say unruly are.

Yet, like an old soft-hearted tool, I falter VrflWltl^Mf'I^^ii fe Jam. Why, Tommy, you are turning green-

And can't makeup my mind to risk a halter. , , , \As\ ( ' fe^^f ''I W you really and you truly are !

{Looking off). Ha, in the distance, Jane and mmfff. H " i ImfMW} :\ 1 & Tommy. No, that T'm not, so there now '

little Tom I see! : jt'l |J K Jane. But you are.'

These berries — (mcditatmgly) — why, it only \Mk\f^WmmM\^m^iiiM^T<mmy- And so are yew/

needs diplomacy. \wMl¥ %m\mrrQmm %W [Melancholy music; to which Tommy and

Ho-ho, a most ingenious experiment! t8i»ft**j^Jwi :^§«Jlt 1U= Jane, after a few convulsive movements,

[Indulge* in silent and sinister mirth, at JAKE $pPP^f*|TG% '* \ ^T^r^*^l gradually become inanimate. Enter old
and Tom trip in, and regard him with T'' "_,/ /L,,! uJ - \\\4 \ l Farmer Copeer from gate, carrying a

innocent wonder. _ ill I '\\ \\\kj\w \ large bottle labelled " Cattle Medicine."

Jane. Uncle, what is the joke? why all this "TiHSs^jBi^/y \ \z1h\\H®*\N^ Farmer C. It's time I gave the old bay mare
merriment? •' / / 7r*«Hpi43^Ji3f''l\ \V • her drench. [Stumbles over the children.

The W. TJ. {in guilty confusion). Not merri- / / j I j /TaPB^f^Nry > a What's here? A lifeless lad!—and little

ment, my loves—a trilling spasm— III, ' 'Yp^P*™*1 \ \^ -v' wench!

Don't be alarmed—your Uncle often has'em! / /-» I : raf \\ 1 V VV\A"aS^ Been eatin' berries—where did thev get them
I'm feeling better than I did at first— ill- I • M. \ \\ \ » '• idees?

You 're looking flushed, though not, I hope, with H'' / j |fj\ \ \ \ || x • For cows, when took so, I've the reg'lar
thirst ? [Insidiously. remedies.

Song, by the "Wicked Uncle.
The sun is scorching overhead ; the roads are dry and dusty;
And here are berries, ripe and red, refreshing when you're
thusty !

They 're hanging just within your reach, inviting you to clutch
them!

But—as your Uncle—I beseech you won't attempt to touch them ?
Tommy and Jane (dutifully). We'll do whatever you beseech, and
not attempt to touch them! [Annoyance of W. U.

The W. TJ. Temptation (so I've understood) a child, in order kept,
shuns; . .

And fruit in lanes is seldom good (with several exceptions).
However freely you partake, it can't—as you are young—kill,
But should it cause a stomach-ache—well, don't vou Hame vour
Uncle! '
Tommy and Jane. No, should it cause a stomach-ache, we will not

blame our Uncle!
The W. U. (aside). They'11 need no further personal assistance,
But take the bait when I am at a distance.
I could not, were I paid a thousand ducats,

(With sentiment) Stand by, and see them kick their little buckets,
Or look en while their sticks this pretty pair cut! [Stealing off.
Tommy. What, Uncle, going ?

The W. TJ. (with assumed jauntiness). Just to get my hair cut! [ Goes.
Tommy (looking wistfully at the berries). I say, they do look nice,

Jane, such a lot too!
Jane (demurely). Well, Tommy, Uncle never told us not to.

[Slow music; they gradually approach the berries, which they
pick and eat with increasing relish, culminating in a dance
of delight.

I '11 try 'em here—and if their state the worse is,
Why, they shall have them halls I give my 'erses!

[ Carries the bodies off just before the W. U. re-enters.
W. TJ. The children—gone ? yon bush of berries less full!
Hooray, my little stratagem's successful!

[Dances a triumphant pas seul. Re-enter Farmer C.
Farmer C. Been looking for your little niece and nephew ?
The W. TJ. Yes, searching for them everywhere—
Farmer C. (ironically). Oh, hev1 you ?

Then let me tell you, from all pain they 're free, Sir.
The W. TJ. (falling on his knees). I didn't poison them—it wasn't
me, Sir!

Farmer C. I thought as much—a constable I '11 run for. [ Exit.
The W. TJ. My wretched nerves again! this time I'm done for !
Well, though I'm trapped and useless all disguise is,
My case shall ne'er come on at the Assizes !
[Rushes desperately to tree and crams himself with the remain-
ing berries, which produce an almost instantaneous effect.
Re-enter Tom and Jane from gate, looking pale and limp.
Terror of the Wicked Uncle as he turns and recognises them.
The W. TJ. (with tremulous politeness). The shades of Jane and
Tommy, I presume ? [Re-enter Farmer C.

Jane and Tommy (pointing to Farmer C.) His Cattle Mixtures

snatched us from the Tomb!
The W. TJ. (with a flicker of hope). Why, then the selfsame drugs

will ease my torments!
Farmer C. (chuckling.) Too late! they've drunk the lot, the little
vormints!

The W. TJ. (bitterly). So out of life I must inglorious wriggle,
Pursued by Tommy's grin, and Jenny's giggle !
[Dies in great agony, while Tommy, Jane, and Farmer Copeeb
look on with mixed emotions as the Curtain falls.

vol. xcvixr.