Punch (98.1890)

Mabch 15, 1890.] PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.

121

MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS.

No. VIII.—JACK PARKER ;
Or The Bull who knew his Business,
Characters.

Jack Parker {"was a cruel boy, For mischief was his sole employ"

Vide Miss Jane Taylor.)
Miss Lydia Banks {"though very young, Will never do what's rude
or wrong."—Ditto.)

FarlZ Balks's Bull. } ^ the Griffiths.

Chorus of Farm Sands.
Scene—A Farmyard, r. a stall, from which the head of the Bull
is visible above the half-door. Enter Farmer Bakes with a cudgel.
Farmer B. {moodily). When roots are quiet, and cereals are dull, I

vent my irrita-
tion on theBull.
[ We have Miss
Taylor's own
authority for
this rhyme.
Come hup, you
beast! (Opens
stall and flou-
rishes cudgel—
the Bull comes
forward with

"an airofdelibe
rate defiance.)
Oh, turning
narsty, is he ?
{Apologetically,
to Bull.) _
Another time
will do! I see
you 're busy!
[The Bull, after
some consider-
ation, decides
to accept this
retractation,
and retreats
with dignity to
his stall, the

door of which he carefully fastens after him. Exit Farmer
Banks, l., as Lydia Banks enters b., accompanied by Chorus.
The Bull exhibits the liveliest interest in her proceedings, as he
looks on, with his forelegs folded easily upon the top of the door.
Song—lssmk. Banks {in Polka time.)
I'm the child by Miss Jane Taylor sung ; Unnaturally good for
one so young— [on the tip of my tongue,

A pattern for the people that I go amonsr, With my moral little tags
And I often feel afraid that I shan't live long, For I never do a

thing that's rude or wrong!
Chorus {to which the Bull beats time). As a general rule, one doesn't
live long, If you never do a thing that's rude or wrong!
Second Verse.

My words are all with wisdom fraught, To make polite replies I've
sought; [good for nought.

And learned by independent thought. That a pinafore, inked, is
bo wonderfully well have I been taught, That I turn my toes as
children ought!

Chorus {to which the Bull dances). This moral lesson she's been

taught—She turns her toes as children ought!
Lydia {sweetly). Yes, I'm the Farmer's daughter—Lydia Banks ;
No person ever caught me playing pranks !
I'm loved by all the live-stock on the farm,

[Ironical applause fr07ii the Bull.
Pigeons I've plucked will perch upon my arm,
And pigs at my _approach sit up and beg, [Business by Bull.
For me the partial Peacock saves his egg,
No sheep e'er snaps if /attempt to touch her,
Lambs like it when I lead them to the butcher 1
Each morn I milk my rams beneath the shed,
"While rabbits nutter twittering round my head,
And, as befits a dairy-farmer's daughter,
What milk I get I supplement with water,

[A huge Shadow is thrown on the road outside ; Lydia starts.
Whose shadow is it makes the highway darker ?

That bullet head! those ears! it is-Jack Parker !

[Chord. The Chorus Aee in dhm.au n„ J.^

agger6. C7l0rmflee in disma^ ag Jack enters with a reckless
voi, xctltx.

Song—Jack Parker.
I'm loafing about, and I very much doubt if my exoellent Ma is

aware that I'm out;
My time I employ in attempts to annoy, and I'm not what you d
call an agreeable boy!
I shoe the cats with walnut-shells ; Tin cans to curs 1 tie ;
Ring furious knells at front-door bells—Then round the corner
fly!

'Neath donkeys' tails I fasten furze, Or timid horsemen scare;
If chance occurs, I stock with burrs My little Sister's hair!

[The Bull shakes his head reprovingly.
Such tricks give me joy without any alloy,—but they do not denote
an agreeable boy!
\_As Jack Parker concludes, the Bull ducks cautiously beloio
the half-door, while Lydia conceals herself behind the
pump, l.c.

Jack {wandering about Stage, discontentedly). I thought at least
there'd be some beasts to badger here!
Call this a farm—there ain't a blooming spadger here!

[Approaches stall—Bull raises head suddenly.
A bull! This is a lark I've long awaited!
He's in a stable, so he should be baited.
[The Bull shows symptoms of acute depression at this jeu de
mot; Lydia comes forward indignantly.
Lydia. I canH stand by and see that poor hull suffer !

Excitement's sure to make his beef taste tougher !

[The Bull emphatically corroborates this statement.
Be warned by Miss Jane Taylor ; fractured skulls
Invariably come from teasing bulls!
So let that door alone, nor lift the latchet;
For if the bull gets out—why, then you '11 catch it!
Jack. A fractured skull ? Yah, don't believe a word of it 1

[Raises latchet; chord; Bull comes slowly out, and crouches
ominously ; Jack retreats, and takes refuge on top of pump ;
the Bull, after scratching his back with his off foreleg,
makes a sudden rush at Lydia.
Lydia {as she evades it), Here, help!—it's chasing] Me!—it's too
absurd of it!
Go away, Bull—with me you have no quarrel!
[.The Bull intimates that he is acting from a deep sense of duty.
Lydia {impatiently). You stupid thing, you're ruining the moral!

[The Bull persists obstinately in his pursuit.
Jack {from top of pump). Well dodged, Miss Banks! although
the Bull I '11 back! j [Enter Farm-hands.

I,ydia. Come quick—this Bull's mistaking me for Jack !
Jack. He knows his business best, I shouldn't wonder.
Farm-hands {philosophically). He ain't the sort o' Bull to make a
blunder. _ [They look on.

Lydia {panting). Such violent exercise will soon exhaust me!

[The Bull comes behind her.
Oh, Bull, it is unkind of you . . . you've tossed me !
[Falls on ground, while the Bull stands over her, in readiness to
give the coup de grace ; Lydia calls for help.
A Farm-hand {encouragingly). Nay, Miss, he seems moor sensible
nor surly—
He knows as how good children perish early !
[The Bull nods in acknowledgment that he is at last understood,
and slaps his chest with his forelegs.
Lydia, Bull, I '11 turn naughty, if you '11 but he lenient I
Goodness, I see, is sometimes inconvenient.
I promise you henceforth I '11 try, at any rate,
To act like children who are unregenerate!
[The Bull, after turning this over, decides to accept a
compromise.

Jack. And, Lydia, when you ready for a lark are,

Just give a chyhike to your friend—Jack Parker !

[ They shake hands xoarmly.

Finale.

Lydia. I thought to slowly fade away so calm and beautiful.
(Though I didn't mean to go just yet);
But you get no chance for pathos when you 're chivied by a

bull! (So I thought I wouldn't go just yet.)
For I did feel so upset, when I found that all you get
By the exercise of virtue, is that bulls will come and hurt you!
That I thought I wouldn't go just yet!
Chorus. We hear, with some regret, That she doesn't mean to go
just yet.#

But a Bull with horns that hurt you is a poor return for virtue,
And she's wiser not to go just yet!
[The Bull rises on his hindlegs, and gives a forehoof each to

Lydia and Jack, who dance wildly round and round as the

Curtain falls.

[N.B.—Music-hall Managers are warned that the morality of this
particular Drama may possibly be called in question by some
members of the L. C. C]