Punch (98.1890)

180

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Apkil 12, 1890.

as matter of precaution." Precaution served. Members not liking
prospect of coming back after dinner, still less of spending Wednes-
day at Westminster, voted money -with both bands, and by Six
o'Clock Class I. in Civil Estimates agreed to.

" A wonderful man, Old Morality," said R. N. Fowler, walking
off. " Only you and mo, Toby, thoroughly appreciate him. Yah,
yah! " Business done— Adjourned till Monday, April 14.

POLICE FUN.

(An entirely Imaginary Sketch of an Utter Impossibility.)

6 p.m. —Return to town, to find that that very afternoon my
house in Bayswater has been robbed by my servants, who have all
decamped. They have taken my wife's jewel-case, containing
diamonds to the value of £7,000, cash-box full of securities, fifteen
gold repeaters, all the silver plate in the
house, together with the dining-room side-
board, set of skittles, twelve-light gas
chandelier, drawing-room grand piano, two
original landscapes by Turner, a set of
family portraits, dinner service, all my
clothes, roasting-jack, and the umbrella-
stand. Instantly summon Policeman from
over the way. Shakes his head uncon-
cernedly, and says it is "no business" of
his, and he can't go off his beat to attend
to it. Hurry off to Local Office, and make
G^-Sdl*" —my complaint. They only smile. They

" Hullo ! what are you ? " reSard ™e with. ^ la?^id inteKS}

say, a horse might exhibit were a lady to

?resent herself in leathers minus a riding-habit. Don't know why
think of a horse—later on their presence calls to mind an animal
traditionally far less sagacious, and I don't mean a mule! Feel
slightly irritable, and ask them to send a Constable round at once, to
see the condition of the house. They decline. Ask them "Why?"
They refuse to tell me. I express astonishment, and again state my
case categorically. They ask me if I think they've nothing better
to do than attend to " every cock-and-bull story " that is brought to
them. I get angry, and threaten them that 111 complain to Scot-
land Yard. They tell me if I don't shut up they '11 soon finish the
matter for me by "running me in" myself. I am about to point
out the disgraceful character of their conduct to them, when,
noticing the Inspector whispering some orders to two of his subordi-
nates, I think it best to take to my heels, which I do, pursued by a
couple of Constables, whom I manage to escape, and, jumping into
a Hansom, drive to Head Quarters.

8 p.m.—Have stated my case and written it all out, as requested,
" fully," twice on paper. Official says, " that will do." Ask him
whether he won't telegraph to Dover, Folkestone, Newhaven and
Portsmouth, to enable the Police to stop suspicious people leaving
by to-night's Mails. He says, " Certainly not." I ask him "Why
He asks me what business is that of mine? I answer that it is
"every business of mine." He retorts, "Oh! is it? Well, you
had best be off. You won't get nothing more out of us." Grow
very angry at this, but express myself with moderation; am about
to remonstrate with him, when I notice that he is also whispering
some secret orders to two subordinates, and I think it best once
more to take to my heels, which I do, again hotly pursued by a
couple of Constables. Turning a corner, however, I fortunately
manage to escape them, and finding myseif opposite the door of the
Detective Department, step in.

10 p.m.—Have again stated the whole of my case "fnlly." They
think if I am prepared to pay up pretty freely, they can help me,
and recommend, as a preliminary step, the despatch of ten Detectives,
two each respectively to Clapham Junction, Heme Bay, Margate,
Oravesend and Tooting Common. Pull out my cheque-book and
arrange for this at a handsome figure. _ Pass the night myself in
company with an eleventh Detective, in going over second-hand
furniture establishments in the Mile End Road, with a search-
warrant, in the hopes of coming across my dining-room sideboard
and umbrella-stand, but to no purpose.

10 a.m. (Next Morning).—None of my missing property recovered,
and nothing more heard of any of it. The ten Detectives, however,
return from Clapham Junction, Herne Bay, Margate, Oravesend
and Tooting Common, each having arrested respectively, three
people, answering vaguely the description given by me of some
of my servants. The whole thirty are brought to my house at
Bayswater, for "identification," but as they contain among their
number a Rural Dean, two M.P.'s. a Dowager Duchess, a Major-
General in the Army, a celebrated Medical Man, and a popular
Author, and as all are furious at what they call "a gross infringe-
ment of their liberty," I am not likely, I fear, to hear the last of it.
However, let me hope, they'll do, as I have done, and call in the
Police to help them. As for me, my only chance of redress seems
to be to write to the papers. So—here goes!

SIGNS OF THE SEASON.

(By a West-End Shopkeeper.)

The voice of the horse-dealer's heard in the land,
The Season, it says, will be full, gay, and grand;
He is happy, and gives the most hopeful accounts.
Well, the horse-dealer rises by virtue of " mounts,'1
The thing in mid-March to keep hope well alive
Was the prospect, in June, of a jolly full Drive,
The wiseacres Long-Acre stir with delight.
And oh ! don't we hope the wiseacres are right!

TWO HE IDS NOT BETTER THAN ONE !

These is not the slightest truth in the report that the following-
short story, said to have been written by MM. Erckmann and
Chatrian since their quarrel, will be more fully developed before
republication.

MOSCOW !

Note.—This title is believed to have been furnished by M. Erckmann,
but will probably be changed to The Baby's Niece, by M. Chatrian.

Chapter I. (By M. E.)
Napoleon regarded the burning town with a feeling of dismay.
He had counted upon the ancient Russian capital as a basis of
support when the time should come to retire. As he looked at the
fire, luridly reflected in the snow, Marie approached him and fell
upon her knees.

"Sire!" she cried, "A boon! I ask you to save Kosmof! I
beg of you my lover's life! "

The Man of Destiny gazed upon her with a cold smile, full of
cruel meaning, and replied, " Life for life—you know my con-
ditions ! " Marie gave a piercing shriek and sank into uncon-
sciousness.

Chapter II. (By M. C.)

To wake again and find the sun shining brightly on her own
Alsatian home! Yes, all the nonsense about Napoleon and Moscow
had been a dream, more—a nightmare! The good Cure was playing
with the nieceof her baby brother. Jules was hard at work cutting
down apples in the orchard, which were soon to become cider in
the press of the farmstead.

"My Father," said Marie, with a coquettish toss of her pretty
head, and so you think
Jules too good for me?"

" Scarcely that, my
daughter," replied the
amiable old Priest, with a
sweet, calm smile; " but I
feel that you must do a
great deal to be worthy of
so brave a man."

"Brave?" echoed Marie.
" Why, what do we want
with bravery in these piping
times of, peace ? Nowadays
we have no Napoleon—all

is tranquil." At Sea with his Story.

"You are indeed right, J
my daughter," returned the old Priest, as he walked towards the
chapel. "We do live in peaceful days—there is, indeed, no
Napoleon !"

Chapter III. (By 31. E.)

" Liar ! " shouted Buonaparte, coming up at the moment, at the
head of the remnant of his Army. " I will soon show you whether
we live in tranquil times or no! "

And, ordering up a cannon, Marie, Jules, and the Priest were
tied to the wheels.

"Mercy!" they implored.

There was a flash, an explosion, and Marie, Jules, and the Priest
were blown to atoms.
No one remained save Napoleon !

Chapter IV. (By M. C.)
Yes, Napoleon, and one other— the Niece of the Baby! She was a
fine strapping wench of twenty. Shocked by the cruel outrage com-
mitted in her quiet Alsatian home, this brave maiden seized the
family blunderbuss, and fired. It burst with such violence that
both Napoleon and herself were killed on the spot. Nay, more—
thousands within miles! Besides, at this moment there was an epi-
demic raging, that, in one single instant, killed the Army, and all the
Russians, and, in fact, everybody ! There !

Note by M. _Z?.—My honoured confrere is a spitoful pig !

Note by M. C.—My esteemed colleague is a. demented donkey !

JP.S. by M. E—Pooh! T.S. by M. a—Yah!

NOTICE.—Rejected Convnranications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Picture: of any description, will
in nc case he returned, hot even whoa accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper; To this rule
there will be no exception.