Punch (98.1890)

216

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Mat 3, 1890-

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OP TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday April 21 -House really beginning
to fill uo Habtington back from the Riviera. First time he has
appeared this Session; lounged .in with pretty air of having been
there yesterday and just looked m again. Blushed with surprise to
find Members on both sideswelcommg him with cheer.

"We all like Habtington," said Sage of
Oueen Anne's Gate. " Of course we liked
him better when he agreed with our opinions;
but we can't all keep straight, and he's gone
wrong. Still, we hear Mm no malice. Sorry
he was ill; glad he's better. Must encourage
this benevolent attitude towards him, since it
enables us, with fuller vigour to denounce
Chamberlain. You see, when we howl at
Chambeelatn, they can't say we are simply
moved by personal spite, because here we are
cheering Habtingtonas he returns to the fray."

John" Dillon back too ; bronzed with Aus-
tralian suns; ruddy with the breezes of lusty
Colorado. Everyone glad to see John back;
first because everyone likes him; next for
reasons akin to those which the Sage frankly
acknowledges when cheering Habtington.
Even in the evil days when John Dillon used
to fold his arms and. flash dark glances of de-
fiance on Speaker Bband, House didn't inolude
him in same angry, uncompromising, denun-
ciation as hurtled round head of William
O'Bbien, Tim Healt, and dear old Joseph
Gillis. John Dillon sometimes suspended;
occasionally sent to prison : but the honesty of
his motives, the purity of his patriotism, always
ine bage. acknowledged. Mistaken, led astray (that is

to say differed from us on matters of opinion), but meant well.

" Yes, Toby," said the Sage, lighting another cigarette; " always
well when you 're going it hot for a Party to have some individual in
it whom you can omit from general implication of infamous motives.
Gives one high moral standpoint, doncha know. Thus, when I want
to suggest that the Maekiss is a mere tool in hands of Bismaeck, I
extol honest purposes of Old Mobalitt ; hint, you know, that he is
not so sharp of perception as he might be; but that gives him the
fuller claim upon our sympathy, seeing that he is yoked, with a col-
league of the natural depravity, and capable of the infinite iniquity,
which marks the Maekiss's relations with public affairs. The great
thing, dear Toby, in public controversy is to assume an attitude of
impartiality. When you have to suggest that a political adversary
was privy to the putting-away of his grandmother, do it rather in
sorrow than in anger, and if you can find or make an opportunity of
saying at the same time a kind word for one of his colleagues, seize
it. That's why we cheer Habtington to-night, and why the Tories
sometimes admit that John Dillon's an honest man."
Business done.—Paenell moved rejection of Land Purchase Bill.
Tuesday.—Courtney on in his
famous quick-change scene. One
minute he is discovered in recesses
of canopied chair as Speaker; the
next is seated at table as Chair-
man of Committees. Speakee,
everyone sorry to learn, is ill in
bed. So Coubtney doubles his
part. Proceeding watched with
profound interest from Strangers'
Gallery. At ten minutes and ten
seconds to Seven House in Committee of
Supply. Coubtney in Chair at table; Mace
off the table; Tannee on his legs. As
hand of clock falters over the numeral ten,
Cotjetney gets up, says never a word, wheels
to right out of Chair and marches to rear.
Tannee stops midway in sentence and re-
sumes seat,. Sergeant-at-Arms bowing thrice
advances.lifts Mace on to table, and retires.
Stranger in Gallery wondering what has be-
come of Coubtney, appalled by discovering
him in Speaxee's Chair, quite a new man.
On these occasions marks his swiftly vary in.

something to mark wide gulf fixed between Chairman of Committee
and Speakeb ; so hit upon this scheme. Glad you like the treble ;
a little out of my line, but practice makes perfect."

At Evening Sitting question of Labour and Capital brought on by
Baetley. Cunninghame-Gbaham let House see what a terrible
fellow he is. Doesn't look the part; but after speech to-night no
question of his innate ferocity. Sim Tapperlit not in it for such
blood-curdling remarks. " I have," he said just now, " often inter-
fered between Capital and Labour; but, thank Heaven! I have
never interfered in the character of a conciliator."

"Ha, ha!" he cried, a little later, d propos of nothing. "You
talk of inciting to violence. I have never incited to violence, and
wherefore ? Because, in present state of affairs, with society a vast
organised conspiracy, violence would recoil on the heads of the
Working Classes. Bat, Sir, the time will come when things will be
otherwise, and the very moment that power is in the hands of the
Working Classes I shall incite them to violence."

After this House took early opportunity of adjourning. Pretty to
see Members stealing across Palace Yard in the dark, looking
furtively right and left, not sure that moment was not come, and
Simon Cunntnghame Tappeetit Geaham was not hounding on his
"United Bulldogs" against the Classes. "We must look out,
Beoadhuest," said James Rowlands, nervously rubbing his hand.
"It's all very well of your retiring to Cromer, I think I shall
practise with a revolver; shall certainly carry a sword-stick."
Business done.—Budget Resolutions through Committee.
Thursday Night.—Home Seceetaby came down to-day in un-
usually good spirits. Nothing happened of late to give enemy
occasion to blaspheme. Crewe affair seems quite forgotten ; nobody
going to be hanged when he ought to be reprieved, or reprieved
when he ought to be hanged. Seems almost as if, after all, life for
Home Seceetaby would be worth living. Whatever embarrass-
ments ahead belong to other Departments of Ministry. Land Pur-
chase troubles, not the Home Seceetaby, nor Bi-Metallism either.
Raikes been doing something at the Post Office. Goschen been
tampering with tea, and sinning in the matter of currants. Some-
thing wrong with the Newfoundland Fisheries, but that Feegusson's
look-out. True, Elcho wanting to know about some prisoners taken
from Ipswich to Bury in chains. Sounds bad sort of thing; sure to
be letters in newspapers about it. But Home Secbetaby able to lay
hand on heart and swear the chains were light. Elcho blustered
a bit. Irish Members, naturally interested in arrangements for going
to prison, threateningly cheered; but after what Matthews had
suffered in other times this affair lighter than the chains themselves.

Incident had passed; questions on paper disposed of; soon be
debating Land Purchase Bill; all would be well for at least another
day. Suddenly up gets Habcoubt ; wants to know who is respon-
sible for the design of new police buildings on Thames Embankment ?
Flush of pride mantles brow of Matthews. This red-hot building
—its gables, its roofs, its windows its doorways, and its twisted
knockers—was designed under his direction. It is his dower to
London, set forth on one of its most spacious sites. What does
Habcoubt want to know about it ? Why is Plunket so studious
in repudiating all responsibility for the thing ? . Wherefore does
crowded House cheer and laugh when Habcoubt gives notice to call
attention to building on Home Office Yote ? Can it be possible that
here is another mistake ? Ought he to have hanged the architect
instead of encouraging him ? Always doing things for the best, and
they turn out the very worst. Been occasionally misunderstood;
but did, at leaBt, think that London would be grateful for this
emanation from the heated architectural mind.

" Looks so like a carbuncle suddenly developed on Embankment,
with the stately Thames swirling below, that I really thought they
would like it," said Home Seceetaby, mopping his furrowed brow.
" But there are some people, Toby, who are never pleased, and pro-
minent among them are the people of London."
Business done.—Debate on Land Purchase Bill.
Friday.—Things rather in a muddle to-day all round. At Morn-
ing Sitting didn't get Supply which everybody expected would be
order of day; didn't proceed with Allotments Bill, which was first
on Orders. At night, Peovand on first with Dried Currants;
McLaben to follow with Woman's Suffrage, neither turned up, and
at half-past eleven by dint of Closure, got into Committee of Supply.
Geoege Campbell cruising up and down in New Guinea steamer;
finally docked. Then Abthue Williams moved to report progress ;
more discussion ; Old Mobality pounced; Division. on Closure;
Courtney named Sheehy as one of tellers; Sheehy in Limerick;
House couldn't wait for him to return ; so Waddy. brought out of
Lobby to tell with Tannee. When Closure carried, it was ten

condition by altered tone of voice. As Chair- JE p|B|\ minutes past one. House bound to rise at one o'clock; Chairmau

man of Committees, assumes piping treble ^§m^/^Muf//iJ\ equally bound to put the question, which was to report progress,

voice, as Deputy-Chairman drops occasional JmP Motion for progress negatived, which meant that the House would

observations in profound bass. <***^ g0 on •with business; but it being a quarter past one Deputy-Speaker

" Only thing left to me, dear Toby," he Sergeant-at-Arms (and muat needs leave Chair, and so sitting collapsed,

said, when I congratulated him on his treble. Legs). "Dear me!" said Bolton, " this is hard to understand. Must

" Haven't time to change dress, even if it were permissible ; must do go off to the Garrick and think it over." Business done.—None.

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