Punch (98.1890)

228

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[May 10, 1890.

Chbistopheb smiled a deep and wicked smile, and strode off in
better spirits. Always like to say a kind word to a man when I can.

done —Land Purchase Bill again. .
r«eXJ-Fisht on Land Purchase Bill been going forward again
at Mining Sitting" rather dull, thongh enlivened by speech from
no jiLuiwug u"""6 i Plunket, who once more reminded House
how much it loses by his habitual silence.
At Evening Sitting Gbandolph came on
with his Licensing Bill. Let eager poli-
ticians and ambitious statesmen arm them-
selves for combat in the field of high
politics; Geandolph's only desire is to do
a little good in the world whilst yet he
lingers on this level. Nothing new in
crusade against drink. No kudos to be
gained; no acclaim of the multitude to
ring in the pleased ear; no cheering clash
of party_ conflict. Gbandolph give'; a
deprecating twirl to his modest moustache,
and takes up his homely parable. Possibly
he does this with the larger content, since
he had his go at the Land Purchase Bill
before Debate on Second Reading opened.
His letters, published on eve of Easter
recess, hurtled pleasantly around the
heads of his esteemed friends on Treasury
Bench. Could not say anything more or
anything better if he joined in debate; so
sits silent through Morning Sitting, and
when the shades of evening fall, he
meekly lifts up his voice, expounding a
measure of domestic legislation fraught
with permanent interest to the masses.
" A most promising member of the
"I'm not nearly so innocent Band of Hope," says Wmraip Lawson,
as I look." regarding Gbandolph with fatherly kind-

ness. " Wonder if I might ask him to
crack a bottle of ginger-beer with me. "Will certainly proffer the
hospitality if I get a chance."

The grand young Gabdneb {and his wife ; can complete quotation
now) back again after wedding trip. Doesn't look quite so brisk as
the average bridegroom. "Fact is, old fellow," he said, as I con-
doled with him, " when I said I would die a bachelor, I never
thought I would live to be married, go off on a wedding trip,
catch the influenza at Innsbruck, the measles at Milan, the scarlatina
at Samarcand, and the malaria at Mentone."

Business done.—Morning Sitting, Irish Land Purchase Bill;
Evening, Geandolph's Licensing Bill read First Time.

Thursday— Ordinarily amicable proceedings in debate on Irish
Land Purchase Bill varied by accidental but unhappy circumstances.
Prince Aethtje in course of speech happened to say, that " under Bill
of 1886 Irish Government was supposed to be a buffer between the
English Government and the Irish tenant." Mr. G., sitting
attentive, suddenly sprang up when this insult fell on his ear. Bill
of 1886 not a tempting topic; led to downfall of his Ministry; but
to hear it publicly called a " buffer," more than he could stand—or,
rather, sit. Leaped to feet, and, with thrilling energy, repudiated
gross imputation. Prince Aethtje taken aback; hadn't meant any-
thing particular. To call a thing or a person a buffer not
necessarily a term of opprobrium. Everything depends on inflection
of tone. Suppose, now, leaning across the table, he had addressed
Mr. G-. as "old buffer," that would perhaps have been a little
familiar, but not vindictive.

This he tried to make clear. Having, as he thought, averted the
thunder, repeated remarks about Bill of 1886 being a buffer. Didn't
even put it in that direct form.

" I said," he observed with seraphic smile and deferential manner,
" that the Irish Government under the Right Hon. Gentleman's
Bill was supposed to occupy the position, more or less, of a buffer
between the English Government and the Irish tenant."

Mr. G. up again with catapultic force and suddenness. " Not in
the least," he angrily protested. " A buffer is between two things."

Expected that would floor Prince Aethtje ; but he came back again,
and sheltering himself behind the brass-bound box, called out,
" Yes, but a buffer might be between two persons as well as between
two things."

Mr. G. angrily shook his head; a Jove-like frown mantled his
countenance. But disdained to pursue controversy further, and
Prince Aethtje, carefully avoiding further reference to buffers,
went his way, _ Difference of opinion as to how question was left;
Conservatives insist that Prince Aethtje had best of it; Liberals
stand by Mr. G. Many wonder why Speakee did not interfere;
as he did not, it is assumed that buffer is a Parliamentary word, at
least when applied to inanimate creation.

Business done.—Second Reading of Irish Land Purchase Bill
carried.by 348 Votes against 268.

Friday.—Habtington suddenly, unexpectedly, surprisingly,
blossomed into effective speech. Of all subjects in world was Dis-
establishment of Kirk in Scotland! Calculated to depress most
people; brightened Habtington up beyond all knowledge. His
little hit at Gladstone, sheltering himself behind his (Habtington's)
familiar and convenient declaration, that on Disestablishment Ques-
tion he would be guided by the opinion of the majority of the Scotch
people, neatly and dexterously made. Also his reference to the
short time when he had honour of being " at least the nominal
Leader of the Liberal Party," and found Mr. G. a somewhat unruly
follower. Most excellent. Habtington should try this line again.

Business done— Motion for Scotch Disestablisnment negatived by
256 Votes against 218.

WEEK BY WEEK.

Wednesday, May 1—Mr. Punch out. Everybody's at home to him.
Friday 9.—Mrs. Dotteb's first dance if she knows the step.
Saturday 10.—Rehearsal of Crystal Palace fireworks, 2 p,m. Admis-
sion by entrance gates only.
Monday 12.—Breakfast to Mr. H. M. Stanley, at whatever time

he orders it.
First Meet of H.S. Drags, Serpentine.

Foot-ball in Rotten Row, by kind permission of Geoege Ranges

and the Commissioner of Police.
Mrs. Noodle's second dance postponed, as she hasn't given her first yet.
Tuesday 13.—Holiday at Zoological Gardens. Cages all open.

Admission free. Banquets, Excursions, and Alarums.

Lady Henrietta Siskin's Charity Dance has been postponed
until the following week. A large and distinguished company is
expected to grace the mezzotint hall of her ladyship's new mansion
in Belgravia on the occasion. No expense is to be spared in the
general decoration of the supper-room, which was built, it will be
remembered, by her ladyship's great-grandfather in the reign of
Geoege the Thied.

_ A Correspondent furnishes us with the following curious observa-
tions:—"I have noticed," he writes, " that those who walk or ride
in the Park are, generally speaking, of two sexes, and possess, as a
rule, four fingers and a thumb on each hand. By a curious freak of
fashion, a frock-coat is not now worn with a muslin skirt; and a
moustache may be sought for in vain under a sun-bonnet. Horses
are ridden with four legs, and, in some cases, with a tail, although
this is not essential.

It is strange to notice how much the tastes of theatre-goers vary
at the present day. Some prefer the Haymarket, some the Strand,
others flock to the Lyceum, and some _ are turned away from the
Savoy, the Garrick, or the Avenue. Philosophers have, as yet, paid
too little attention to this matter. Would Mr. Heebeet Spencee or
Mr. Lang oblige ? _

It has been calculated by the Society for the Collection of Domestic
Data, that if three-fourths of the Cooks of the Metropolis struck
work on any given day, exactly nine-twelfths of the resident em-
ployers of servants would he seriously inconvenienced.

There is but very slight foundation for the report that, if Augustus
Dbueiolanus (first so styled in the burlesque on Claudian) should
be elected to the Shrievalty, Messrs. Haeey Nioholls and Heebeet
Campbell will be the Under-Sheriffs.

A Correspondent lately drew Mr. Gl-dst-ne's attention to the
prevalence of mud after rain, and the consequent injury to carts,
collars, and carriages. The veteran Statesman has found time to send
the following post-card reply, which will be perused with interest :—

Sib,—The subject to which you direct my attention is no doubt of
peculiar interest to those in any way connected with the vehicular
traffic by which so much of the commerce and pleasure of the Metro-
polis is carried on. In view, however, of the pressing exigencies of
the Irish Question, I cannot do more than take a note of your objec-
tions to mud-spots, leaving to those who may come after me the duty
of dealing practically with your recommendations.

I am, faithfully yours, W. E. Gl-dst-ne.

On the evening when Mr. Stanley dines with the Turners' Com-
pany, where he is entertained as a Re-Turner, it is hoped that the
authorities of the National Gallery will kindly allow all their
Turners to attend. The history of the Turners' Company is interest-
ing, commencing as it does with Whittington, who was the first
person (before Heney Ieving played it), to hear The Bells, and to
obey their injunction "to turn again."

NOTICE,—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule

there will be no exception.