Punch (98.1890)

256

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Mat 31, 1890.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday, May 19. - Old Molality in new
and oharmingmood to-night; turned over a fresh leaf an his copy-
book ; entered upon the chapter headed Banter ; "not only enjoyed
himself, but was cause of enjoyment in others. Esslemont began
it; doled out, as if it were ounce of tea or
yard and quarter of oalico, ponderous joke
about having no Holiday at Whitsuntide, and
adding three days to Recess at end of Session.

"I will take a note of the Hon. Member's
recommendation," said Old Morality.

Nobody laughs when I tell this; yet, I
remember, House roared whilst Old Mora-
lity, resuming seat, sat with pursed-up lips
and furrowed brow, fearful lest he should
spoil situation by smiling. Must have told
the joke wrong; look up Parliamentary Re-
ports. JSTo, there it is, the very words; also
his retort to Tim Healy ; his turning the
flank of Harcourt ; his triumphant knocking
over of Tim, when, after brief pause, he came
up again.

" Such badinage! " said Charles "Wilson,
" such persiflage ! "

So it seemed at time. Everyone roared with
delight.

" Quite in Dizzy's style," said the admiring
Stanhope.

" Only better," added the ecstatic Georgy
Hamilton.

Thought so too at the time; but when I
come to .write down the jokes, the fun has
gone, the flavour escaped, the bloom shed.
Wonder what it was we all laughed at ?

" You do your best," said the Member for
Such badinage! such gark) always ready with kindly remark, '' Dut
persmage. you can>t bring. 0lb Moeal1tt ana au ne

is to us on your written page. His voice, his looks, his way of get-
ting up and of sitting down, his throwing back his head and thrust-
ing forward his chin as he mouths his apophthegm, his nervous glance
round the House, his assumption of a stern official aspect, breaking
presently into a smile when the House laughs; his apologetic way of
sitting on the edge of the seat when he has snubbed Harcotjrt ; all
his goodness, his littleness, his honest intention, and his occasional
lapses into crooked paths ; his ' Certainly, Sir,' when the thing is

?uite otherwise, his blush when he discovers himself dealing with
acts in a Pickwickian sense, his constitutional modesty, and his
spasmodic aggressiveness, the look in his eye as of a wounded hare
when Courtney refuses to put the Closure he has moved,—all
these are things, little in themselves, momen-
tary in their passage, which you, dear Toby,
can no more transfer to your folios than you
can illuminate them with the glow of sunset,
or perfume them with the .scent of country
lanes in this sweet Bpring-time. Old Morality
belongs to us. He is a peculiar growth of the
House of Commons, unique, unprecedented,
unapproachable, never fully to be understanded
of, or appreciated by, the people."

Business done.—Battling round Budget Bill;
sat all night, and far into morning.

Tuesday.— Cadogan in good time at House
of Lords to-day. Denman got first place with
Motion for Second Reading of his Bill extending
Municipal Franchise in Ireland. Cadogan to
move rejection of Measure in name of Govern-
ment.

"I must be firm," he said, as he turned up
his trousers over his white spats, "Denman
a terrible fellow when he's roused."

House pretty full when Denman appeared
at table in position of Leader of Opposition.
An ordinary Member not connected with either
present or late Government, usually speaks
from Bench on which he is accustomed to sit.
Denman preferred conveniences of table. Most
interesting speech, what could be heard of it.
r ' v down to the Good deal about Sir Robert Peel ; occasional
House reference to Palmerston; some reminiscences of

_ early journey in railway-carriage in Stephen-
son's time; a passing remark as to the weather, and probable state
of the crops on this day six months. But, as Cadogan subsequently
remarked, nothing whatever about the Bill. Lords in an awkward

position. Had the scene been in the Commons, and the elderly grey-
haired gentleman at the table been merely returned by a constitu-
ency, the case would have been different. Might have been howled
down in a few moments. But with a Peer of the Realm, a hereditary
legislator, a personage whose vote might in certain conceivable cir-
cumstances suffice to throw out a Bill which had received sanction of
House of Commons, it is, as Granville says, une autre paire de
manches. If anyone whispered that Denman had a tile off, whither
would the admission lead us ? A Peer is a man—or rather, a Being
—of a special, superlative order. Admitted within that order, he
becomes, ipso facto, a person of extraordinary intelligence, keen
intellect, ripe judgment, irreproachable character.

A little awkward that Denman should seem to be rambling. If
he were a Commoner, might even be called incoherent. Being a
Peer, some forty or fifty other Peers Bat through, twenty minutes
with polite assumption of listening. But there is a substratum of
human nature even in the Peerage. When Denman, a propos of
the Municipal Franchise in Ireland, began to talk about Columbus's
egg, there was a murmur of impatience; when he slid into the
Panama Canal the murmur grew to a shout. Awhile, amid stormy
cries for the Division, the House of Lords resembled the House of
Commons.

After brief struggle with unwonted elements, Denman resumed
seat; Bill thrown out, and with regained equanimity noble Lords
turned to next business. To their horror, Denman up again at
table; forgotten to mention a particular circumstance connected

with Columbus's egg. "Perhaps their Lordships-" But this too

much. At whatever risk to Peerage as a body, Denman must be
shouted down. So they roared at him with cries of "Order!" he
standing regarding them with looks of pained surprise. Was it
possible they declined to hear more about Columbus's egg ? " Order!
Order! " they roared, Bath leading the onslaught. _

"It is you, my Lords, who are disorderly," said Denman, and
with head erect, and tall figure carried with pathetic dignity, he
strode back to Cross Benches, and sat down in seat of Prince of
Wales.

Business done.—Budget Bill in Commons.

Thursday.—All the blood of his great predecessor in spoliation,
Henry the Eighth, just now swelled in the bosom of James
Stuart Allanson Tudor Picion. Prince Arthur responsible for
the flood. Question about meeting announced to be held in Mid-
Tipperary next Sunday. Prince Arthur has, it seems, prohibited
it. John Morley wants to know why ? There was, he says, public
meeting held in same place last month, addressed by English Mem-
bers ; that not proclaimed. What was the difference between
meeting addressed by Irish Members, and another by English Mem-
bers, that one should be taken and the other left P

" The difference is," said Prince Arthur, speaking with embar-
rassed air, as if the distinction was dragged
out of him, "that the result of the meeting
addressed by Irish Members was to produce
intimidation, whilst the result of the other
was, I should say, nil."

If James Stuart Allanson Tudor Picton
had only lived in the times of his great pre-
decessor, and wielded his power, Prince Ar-
thur would forthwith have been conducted
to Tower Hill, and shortened by a head.
Why he (James, &c.) was at this meeting at
Mid-Tipperary last month! He, standing on
a butter-tnb, had addressed the men of Xip-
perary; the echo of his eloquence still filled
the dales, whilst the hills reverberated with
the cheers of the men of Tipperary. For this
insolent hireling of a Coercionist Government
to speak in tones of studied slight of such a
demonstration was more than J. S. A. T. P.
could stand. If our two giants, John O'Con-
nor and Henry Pease had not joined hands
and held him back, gore would have sprinkled
the precincts of the Treasury Bench. As it
was, the subject dropped, and House pro-
ceeded to discuss Budget Bill.
Business done.—A good lead.

Friday.—House adjourned for holidays.

" When we come back," says Old Morality,

"we must really begin work. Playtime up

to now; left most of the work over;
Pease (with Honour). mmt bu(Me to, We>ye been in some

danger, and there may be more ahead. Why are persons some-
times killed by leaning over beer-vats ? Because vats, when beer
has been made, contain large quantities of carbonic acid gas, pro-
duced by the vinous fermentation of the beer; and when a man
incautiously leans over a beer-vat and inhales the carbonic acid, he
is killed thereby. It is, of course, not quite the same in respect of