Punch (99.1890)

2

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON

CHARIVARI.

[July 5, 1890.

3uAWo^———' I ' \
HIS FIRST ACHE.

"Oh, Mammy ! I Ve got stjoh a Pain in front of me 1'

BEFORE BISLEY.

Scine- Office of the Commanding Commander-in-Chief. The C.C.-in-Chief
discovered. To him enter H.R.H. Geobge Rakgeb.
H R.H. G. R. You sent for me, Mr. Punch. I beg [pardon, I should say,
your Excellency ?

C.C.-in-C. {severely). Be careful, Sir, and remember in whose presence you
are! I bflieve about a month ago you asked for subscriptions in aid of the
.National IlifLe Association ?

H.R.H. G. 11. Yes, Mr. P.—I should say, your Excellency.

C. C.-inC. And I presume the N. R. A. have been put to very great expense
in changing from "Wimbledon to Bisley ?

H.R.H. G. R. Yes, I am sorry to say so,—personally sorry. Although the
bullets may have played the mischief with the adioining property, still I think-

C.C.-in-C. (severely). We are not discussing Wimbledon now, Sir. _ Am I
right in assuming that the reason funds were requested was to put BiBley in
a proper condition for the reception of the Yolunteers ?

H.R.H. G. R. Of course. I am sure I am the best friend of the Yolunteers,
and-

C.C.-in-C. [interrupting). How comes it then that when the'Yolunteers
(whose own ranges are being closed all round London) ask for permission to
shoot at Bisley, they are told that they may not have it, because the range is
required for the regular troops."

H.R.H. G. R. Well, as Commander-in-Chief, of course I must consider the
Army, and as-•

C.C.-in-C. President of the N. R. A., you should consider the Yolunteers
—but you don't! Now see here, if I hear any more of this sort of thing, I tell
you frankly that- [Scene closes in, as the threat is too terrible for publication.

MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
Qualified Recommendation.
"A Nobleman wishes particularly to recommend his Coachman, who is leaving
his service, solely owing to domestic changes ;" i.e., Having been detected falsi-
fying his stable accounts, and threatened in consequence with prosecution, he
retaliates by a menace to disclose certain unpleasant family secrets, picked up in
the servants' hall, to a Society journal.

Trade Embellishments.
" If applied but once gently with the palm of the hand, it will afford the
sufferer delightful and instantaneous relief;" i.e., It at once removes the skin,
and if rubbed in with vigour will flay a horse.

Platfobmtjlabs.

" I feel that I have already trespassed upon your patience, and detained you
an unconscionable time;" ie., "Your attention seems flagging. I want a Their backs!!" And wesing 11 Rule Britannia" still! I
moment or two for reflection, and a cue to go on again." "Will no one chaw these fine official Jacks up ?

THE RACK OF THE RATE-PAYER.

(By a Victim of '' Quinquennial Valuation.")

" Parochial Authorities have a way of their own in inter-
preting Acts of Parliament, and a very peculiar way indeed of
dealing with the Valuation Act. . . . Overseers go their own
way, and interpret the Act according to their knowledge and
experience; and in many cases experience is lacking, and
knowledge an altogether unknown quantity. . . . "When dealing
with leasehold property, overseers positively revel in the most
delightful caprice. The leaseholder's property is dealt with
kindly or the reverse, juBt as it is in this or that pariah."—
St. James's Gazette.

Tennyson talks of " gay quinquenniads." Yes,

But he would mention them with less elation
If he had my experience, I guess,

Of the not gay Quinquennial Valuation'
I am not now so young as once I was,

I have arrived at the Golosh and Gamp Age,
I am not equal to contend—that's poz—

"With the Parochial Fathers on the rampage.
Ah me, these Vestry vultures on the pounce !

They scare me, skin me, bully me, and bilk me.
Soon of my flesh they '11 scarce have left an ounce,

They so persistently maul, mulct, and milk me.
Once in five years they send me papers blue,

And papers white, and likewise papers yellow;
They " want to know, you know," indeed they do.

First the "First Clerk," a devil of a fellowI
Challenges me to up and tell him all

About gross value, also value rateable.
It's all pure fudge. I am their helpless thrall,

To an extent in civil speech nnstateable.
They will not take my word. If I appeal,

They hale me up before a stern Committee,
Fellows with brazen faces, hearts of steel,

And destitute of manners as of pity.
My solemn statement, or my mild demur,

To them a subject of fierce scorn and scoff is ;
An honest citizen feels but a cur [Office.

When snapped and snarled at by ihese Jacks-in-
They 're sure to have the pull of me somehow;

Oh! I've read "Handbooks." I've attended
Meetings

Where angry ratepayers raise fruitless row;

But, bless you, these bold roarings turn to bleatings,
When they the cruel inquisition face

Of some austere Committee of Assessment.
Until I found myself in that dread place

I never knew what fogged and foiled distress meant.
Between them and my Landlord I've no peace.

I'm honest, but they treat me as "a wrong one."
I'm a Shopkeeper, holding a short lease

(My Landlord takes good care it's not a long one).
Once in seven years the Landlord lifts my Rent,

And once in five my Rates the Assessor raises,
Values, Gross, Rateable, so much per cent. ?

Bah! the attempt to fathom them but crazes!
The only regular rule is—Up! Up ! Up!

And any protest only brings upon you
Your Landlord's wrath, and cheek from some sleek pup,

Who bullies you; and laughs when he has done you.
" Pay and look pleasant," is the official rule,

And as to wife and child, and food and raiment,
You may attend to them, poor drudging fool!

When of your Rent and Rates you've made full pay-
ment.

Yes, Rent and Rates! they are the modern gods,

And Moloch's tyranny was not more cruel.
With Landlord or with Vestry get at odds,
And you 're gone coon; they '11 soon give you your
gruel.

Just now Vestrydom's victims are a-howl

With rage at skinning; but their indignation
Will fade, and they will feed the Official Ghoul

Until the next Quinquennial Valuation.
And then—well, Lord knows what may happen then,

Unless—unless—and that is most improbable—
Ratepayers rise together—show they 're men,
And not mere sheep gregarious, warm-fleeced, rob-
bable.

Meanwhile the Vestry Vultures gorge their fill,
And I am warned—by friends—"Don't put their
backs up ! "