Punch (99.1890)

September 6, 1890.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Ill

JOURNAL OF A ROLLING
STONE.

Sixth Entry.

Still endeavouring to earn an
honest, but unpleasant, penny as
a (temporary) Private Tutor.
Begin to be vaguely conscious
that my grasp of the Latin
Grammar is not as firm as it
might be. "Will my classical
training see me through, or will
"Ernie" see through my clas-
sical training ?

Eente (before breakfast) offers
to conduct me round the grounds.
Must take the youngster down a
peg or two. So, when he shows
me the stables, rather proudly, I
remark, pityingly — " What!
Only three nags ? "

" Oh, Jride a pony," he replies,
airily. "What can you ride,
Mr. Joynson ? Do you know
how to ride—or do you qenerally
fall off?"

Explain to him elaborately that
I am rather more at home on
horseback than on my legs. He
winks, as if he didn't quite
believe me. I can't go on, as it's
certainly infra dig. to be praising
one's accomplishments, especially
to a chit like this.

"We buried Nero here," the
boy says, pointing to a damp
mound. He was our Newfound-
land dog, and the gardener drop-
ped a beam on him, and killed
him as dead as Julius Csisar.
Oh, Mr. Joynson, when did
Julius OassAB die ? "

Happily my presence of mind
does not desert me. I reply,
severely,—

"What! Don't you know
your Eoman History better than
that?"

" No," he answers—"doyou ?
Then a sudden thought strikes
him. " Oh, I '11 ask Miss Myrtle " (Miss Myrtle is the Governess)
—" she '11 be sure to know. She isn't a muff."

Query—What is the best line to take with a remark like that ?
Before 1 decide the point, Heebie rushes out into the garden, and is
immediately sent spinning into a cucumber-frame by his kind elder
brother, who then disappears into the house.

Yells from Heebie. Go in and send the Governess to him. Relief
from children for about ten minutes.

At Breakfast.—Mother cross. Seems to think that I ought to
have prevented Eente from mutilating Heebie. Heebie appears
with head bandaged, still sobbing. French again, thank Heaven!
— so children silent. Never felt the advantage of foreign languages
till now.

Mamma, with a courage worthy of a better cause, asks me, " What
time lessons will begin ? " I reply, evasively, that I shall be in the
library, and that I will ring for Ernest (I lay stress on the word
Ernest, as excluding the two others) when I am ready for him."

I do, after a good preliminary smoke. Heebie and Jack present
themselves at the same time. I send them off to the Governess, and
lock the door; Governess sends them back to me; result is, that
they play about outside library all morning, so that we (Ebnest
and I) can hardly hear ourselves speak.

Put Eente through his paces. Ask him what he knows. Process
(I fear) incidentally reveals to him what J know. Hear him at lunch
explaining to Heebie (with whom he has made friends again) that
lam" not bad at sums, but a shocking duffer at Latin." Pretend
not to hear the remark.

Afternoon.—Pind the three boys, and two girls, all waiting—
apparently—to go out for a country walk with me !

What I Two-and-two! Never!

" But—er-" I say, addressing the little girls, in a pleasant tone,

aren't you going out with your Governess ? "
" Oh, yes "—they both exclaim at once—"s/ie's coming too!"
The situation is becoming more and more embarrassing. I can't,
in politeness, refuse the Governess's society for a walk. I solve the

WHO WOULD NOT BE A TENOR ?

The Fair Bohemian Girl:—

: i had eiches too great to count, could boast

Of a high ancestral name ; . . . .
But i also dreamt, which charmed me most,
That you loved me still the same—
That you loved me, you loved me sti-ill the same 1"
{Sketched from a Provincial Pit.)

problem, temporarily, by telling
all five children to run up to Miss
Myetle, and ask her which way
she thinks we had better go."

They perform the commission
with alacrity, which gives me
the opportunity of slipping out
at baok-door, and taking quiet
ramble by myself. When will
Paterfamilias himself turn up?
I have not seen or heard from
Mr. Bristol Merchant yet.

I am fated, however, to hear
from him pretty soon; and, when
I do, his communication is sur-
prising. It comes in the form of
a telegram, addressed to me. It
runs thus:—

"Just heard President asked
you to take tutorship. Misunder-
standing. Very sorry, but have
myself engaged another tutor.
He will arrive this evening.
Shall I tell him not to come ?
Awkward! Wire reply."

Awkward! On the contrary,
I feel it to be almost providential.
Mamma doesn't apologise, but
says, frankly — " Why, if he
comes, there ]11 be two tutors —
and one is quite enough J "

I telegraph briefly to the effect
that, under the circumstances, I
will go at once.

Bid good-bye (after lunch) to
Ernie, in hall. He Bays—"I
knew you would never do for the
place," and ought to have his
ears boxed by his fond Mamma,
but hasn't. As I go down front
walk, see him and Heebie and
Jack all putting out what I think
I may appropriately call their
"mother tongues" at me from
a top window!

Moral—for my own consump-
tion : Never go to an uncultivated
family again.

So ends my Tutorship! And
I've never once set eyes on my
employer all through!

After this fiasco, the President certainly ought to do something
handsome for me.

He does! Writes and says how sorry he is to hear of the stupid
mistake that has been made. He knows of another very nice family,
in Cheshire, who want a Private Tutor. Shall he mention my name
to them f Not for worlds!

TRICKS UPON TRAVELLERS.
What means Train de Luxe f Peppery " Punjab " replies,
Two dirty sleeping-cars wherein one lies
Awaiting a breakfast; to feel disgust utter
At coffee, two boiled eggs, and plam rod and butter,
(Miscalled " Grub de Luxe," in the bitterest chaff,)
At the humorous price of four francs and a-half!
Item: Thirty-five francs for a bottle of brandy!
(A. thing that—at breakfast—of course comes in handy).
A horrible dinner; no wine, and no beer,
Not even a soda your spirits to cheer;
No water to wash in at Turin—just think!
On arrival in France, not a drop e'en to drink!
What wonder poor " Punjab," who hails from the " Garrick,"
Got hungry as V ashti, and dry as a hayrick ?
An Edition de Luxe, as a rule, is a sell,
But a Train de Luxe sure as a fraud bears the bell,
Which promises travel more cosy and quicker,
And leaves you half starved, without money—or liquor!

Killing no Muedeb !—A Correspondent of the Times, protesting
against the assumption of oombatant rank by the Army Surgeons,
writes:—" A military doctor is armed, and like others is entitled to
defend himself when attacked, but that is a very different thing
from giving him full licence to kill." The Correspondent evidently
overlooks the powers afforded by a medical diploma!