Punch (100.1891)

January 3, 1891.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

5

A FORECAST FOR 1891.

{Being some Extracts from the Gloomy Outlooker's Diary.)

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Old Sol. " Happy New Tear, Mr. Punch ! "
Mr. T. " Hope we shall see something more of you in future !'

January.—Continuation of "good old-fashioned winter." London
" Bnowed up." Locomotion by Hansom drawn by four drayborses,
the fare from Charing Cross to Bayswater being £2 15s. Milk, 10s.
the half-pint, meat unprocurable. Riot of Dukes at the Carlton to
secure the last mutton chop on the premises, suppressed by calling out
the Guards. People in Belgravia burn their banisters for want of
coals. The Three per Cents go down to 35.

February.—Railway incursion into the centre of the Metropolis
makes progress. Sir Edwabd Watkin gets his line through Lords,
crosses Regent's Park, comes down Bond Street, and secures a large
centre terminus in the Green Park, with a frontage of a quarter of a
mile in Piccadilly.

March.—Football atrocities on the increase. A match is played
at the Oval between the Jaw Splitting Rovers and the Spine Cracking
Wanderers, in which nine are left dead on the held, and fifteen are
carried on stretchers to the nearest hospital.

April.—Increase of danger from electricity. A couple of large
metropolitan hotels catching fire from over-heated wires, nineteen
waiters, twenty-three policemen, and fifty-five members of the fire
brigade getting: entangled in them in their efforts to extinguish the
names, are killed on the spot, much to the satisfaction of the
holders of gas shares.

May.—The "Capital and Labour" Question reaches an acute
stage. The " Unemployed Other People's Property Rights League "
being patted on the back by philanthropists, formulate their pro-
gramme, and seize the Stock Exchange and the Mansion House.

June.—The " Capital and Labour" Question reaching a still acuter
fctage, 20,000 unemployed East End Lodgers break into the Bank of
England, and give a banquet to the Lord Mayor and Corporation to
celebrate the event, at which Mr. Sheriff Augustus Harris, in return-
ing thanks for the " Arts and Sciences," says he thinks " the takings "
of their hosts must have been " enormous."

July— Results of Gen. Booth's "Darkest England" scheme.
Triumphant return of the Submerged Tenth, who having enjoyed
themselves immensely, have come back to the Slums with a view to
having another innings at " the way out."

August.—The Authorities at the Naval Exhibition wishing to
stimulate the public taste for the undertaking, fire one of the hundred-
ton guns which, "by some oversight" being loaded, sends a shell
into the City, which brings down the dome of St. Paul's, but, bursting
itself, lays Chelsea in ruins, and causes the appearance of a letter in
the Times from Lord George Hamilton, saying that the matter will
be " the subject of a searching inquiry " by his Department.

September. — A few Dukes in the Highlands, using several
Hotehkiss guns with their guests asked down to the shooting,
exceed the known figures of any previous battue to such an extent
that birds sell in Bond Street at 3i. a brace, with the result that the
whole of Scotland is^said to be completely cleared of game for the
next seven years.

October.—The great strike of everybody commences. Nothing to
be got anywhere. Several Noblemen and Members of Parliament
meet the "food" crisis by organising an Upper-class Co-operative
Society, and bring up their own cattle to London. Being, however,
unable to kill them professionally without the aid of a butcher,
they blow them up with gunpowder, and divide them with a steam-
scythe, for which proceedings they are somewhat maliciously
prosecuted by the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

November.—The Strike continuing, and times being very bad,
several Peers take advantage of the 5th of the month, and make a
tour of their immediate neighbourhoods in their own arm-chairs,
thereby realising a very handsome sum in halfpence from a not
unsympathetic public.

December.—First signs of a probable second edition of a " good
old-fashioned Christmas " recognised. General panic in consequence.
Attempt to lynch the Clerk of the Weather at Greenwich, only
frustrated by the appearance of a strong force of Police. 1891
terminates in gloomy despair.

EDWIN AND ANGELINA.

[One More Version.)

Dear Me. Punch,—1 beg of you to hear my tale of woe,
My case is really one of those 1 'm sure you'd like to know ;
How Edwin and myself, at last, have quarrelled and have parted,
And I am left to shed a tear—alone, and broken-hearted.

We were engaged for eighteen months—he

often said that life
Would not be worth the living, if I would

not be his wife.
My eyes, though brown, were "blue" to him,

my hair a " silken tangle,"
He'd given me his photograph, and such a

lovely bangle!

I had called upon his mother, and had often

stayed to tea— ,
She Baid that Edwin had, indeed, a lucky ra^!

catch in me.

I thought him quite a model youth—hard-working, loyal, steady,
A thrill of pleasure filled me when he wrote, "Your own, own Eddy."

Oh! a brighter and a gladder day is surely never known
Than when Edwin calls his darling Angelina his " own own."
It warmed me with the glow of love, it cheered me up when lonely,
Yet I didn't feel so happy, when it came to be, " Yours only."

The extra syllable indeed did not iner, a;e the charm,

I tried, however, to believe it didn't mean much harm ;

So confident was I that naught our love could hurt or sever,

But it looked suspicious when next time he only put, " Yours ever."

He only called me darling once ! how different from before 1

Oh, could it be he liked me less (or other maiden more) ?

And was he tired of me—the girl he loved so fondly, dearly ?

It could not be ! And then he wrote, " I am, Yours most sincerely."

Yes —was he going to fling me off as though a worn-out glove ?
You can't do with Sincerity if what you need is Love !
I could not think such ill of him, although it did look queerly,
That in his next the "most" was gone, and he was mine "sincerely."

Yet even then I loved him still, for in the human breast

Hope springs eternal, so I dared to hope on for the best;

And, after all, such things as these ought not to weigh unduly,

But it was more than I could bear to have to read, " Yours truly."

The truth was clear—I quickly sent him back his lovely cartes,
His bangle, and his poetry of Cupid and his darts.
I said to him how grieved I was his love had thus miscarried—
And then I found out everything; alas! the wretch was married

So here am I, as beautiful as anyone I know,

You couldn't get a better wife, no matter where you go.

And if you know, dear Mr. Punch, a husband, say you've seen a

Nice girl, who'd make him happy and whose name is

Angelina.

Why the Dues were they Done Away with ? — Under the
beneficent influence of the early coal dews—subsequently spelt coal
dues—which have existed from the earliest times, City and Metro-;
politan Improvements have sprung up into existence. Now, thanks
to ignorant, but well-meaning County Councillors, the coal dues
being abolished, up goes the price of coal, up go the rates, and there;
is no surplus for improvement of any sort. If those ancient days of
coal dues were considered "hard times," then sing we, in chorus,
" Hard times, come again once more 1"