Punch (100.1891)

March u, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

121

SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM.

No. III.—The Biographer.

"We will ask you, reader, this week, to compel your fancy to take
a further flight, and kindly imagine yourself a worthy merchant,
who has exchanged the turmoil of City-life for the elegant leisure
of a suburban villa—let us say at Norwood. You are in your
dining-room, examining the sky, and thinking that, if the weather

holds up, you will take your big dog out
presently for a run before lunch, when you
are told that a gentleman is in the study
who wishes to see you " on particular busi-
MwJL.. ness."„ The very word excites you, not

unpleasantly, nor do you
care whether it is Church-
warden's business, or the
District Board, or the County
Council—it is enough that
your experience and prac-
tical knowledge of affairs
are in request—and, better
still, it will give you some-
thing to do. So, after a
delay due to your own im-
portance, you march into
your study, and find a brisk
stranger, with red whiskers
and a flexible mouth, ab-
sorbed in docu-
ments which he
has brought with
him in a black
bag.

'' I have the
pleasure of ad-
dressing Mr.

"Tour Visitor has his Note-book out." J4 AA?? , AANE'

1 think r " he

says. "Just so. Well, Mr. Mark Lane, I consider myself
extremely fortunate in finding you at home, I assure you, and a
very cbarmiDg place you have here—abundant evidence of a refined
and cultivated mind, excellent selection of our best-known writers,
everything, if I may say so, elegant in the extreme—as was to be
expected! E^en from the cursory glimpse I have had, I can see
that your interior would lend itself admirably to picturesque des-
cription—which brings me to the object of my visit. I have called
upon you, Mr. Lane, in the hope of eliciting your sympathy and
patronage for a work I am now compiling—a work which will, I
am confident, commend itself to a gentleman of your wide culture
and interest in literary matters." (Here you will look as judicial as
you can, and harden your heart in advance against a neio Ency-
clopedia, or an illustrated edition of Shakspeare's works.) "The
work I allude to, Mr. Lane, is entitled, Notable Nonentities of
Norwood and its Neighbourhood!1'1 (Here you will nod gravely,
rather taken by the title.) "It will be published very shortly, by
subscription, Mr. Lane, in two handsome quarto volumes, got up
in the most sumptuous style. It is a work which has been long
wanted, and which, I venture to predict, will be very widely read.
It is my ambition to make it a complete bio?raphical compendium
of every living celebrity of note residing at Norwood at the present
date. It will be embellished with copious illustrations, printed by
an entirely new process upon India and Japanese paper ; everything
—type, ink, paper, binding, will be of the best procurable ; the
publishers being determined to spare no expense in making it a
book of reference superior to anything of the kind previously
attempted I " (As he pauses for breath, you will take occasion to
observe, that no doubt such a work, as he contemplates, will bi an
excellent thing—but that, for your own part, you can dispense with
any information respecting the Notabilities of Norwood, and, tn

short, that if he will excuse you-)

" Pardon me, Mr. Lane," he interrupts, " you mistake my object.
I should not dream of expecting you to subscribe to such a work.
But, in my capacity of compiler, I naturally desire to leave nothing
undone that care and research can effect to render the work complete
— and it would be incomplete indeed, were it to include no reference
to so distinguished a resident as yourself! " (" Oh, pooh—nonsense."]
You will say at this—but you will sit down again.) "Norwood is
a singularly favoured locality, Sir; its charms have induced many
of our foremost men to select it for their rus, in urbe. Why, in

in this very road-May I ask, by the way, if you are acquainted "Wherever .we Wander," &c—A new book of advice for

with Alderman Minclng ? Alderman Mincing has been good I intending Travellers has recently been published, entitled, " Where
enough to furnish me with many interesting details of his personal to Stay." It is both ornamental and usefulbut so much depends
career, a photo-gravured portrait of him will be included, with

help inwardly wondering at the absurd vanity of the man—a mere
nobody, away from the City.') "Between ourselves," says your
interviewer, candidly, having possibly observed your expression,
"I am by no means sure that I shall feel warranted in allotting
Alderman Mincing as much space as I fear he will consider himself
entitled to. Alderman Mincing, though a highly respectable man,
does not appeal to the popular imagination as others I could mention
do—he is just a little commonplace!" (" Shrewd fellow, this.'"
you think to yourself—"Got Mincing's measure!") "But I
should feel it an honour, indeed, if such a man as yourself, now,
would give me all the personal information you think proper to
make _ public, while, _ as a specimen of what Norwood can do in
luxurious and artistic domestic fittings, this house, Sir, would be

invaluable! I do trust that you will see your way to--" (At

first, you suggest that you must talk it over with your Wife—but you
presently see that if Mincing and men of that calibre are to be in
this, you cannot, for your own sake, hold aloof, and so your Visitor
soon has his note-book out.) "Any remarkable traits recorded of
you as an infant, Mr. Lane ? A strong aversion to porridge, and
an antipathy to black-beetles—both of which you still retain ?
Thank you, very much. And
you were educated ? At Dul-
borough Grammar School ? Just
so I Never took to Latin, or
learned Greek ? Commercial
aptitudes declaring themselves
thus early — curious, indeed !
Entered your father's office as
clerk ? Became a partner ?
Married your present lady—
when? In 1860 ? Exactly! —

and have offspring? Tour ^K^^^j^l^
subsequent life comparatively ^~5ja \/Z
uneventful? That will do ad-
mirably — infinitely obliged to
you, I am sure. It would be
useless to ask you if you would
care to have a copy of the work,
when issued, forwarded to you
—we can do it for you at the
very nominal sum of two
guineas, if paid in advance—
a gratifying possession for your
children after you have gone,
Mr. Lane! I
may put you
down? Thank
you. For two
copies?" (On
second thoughts,
you do order two
copies; you can
send one out to
your married
Sister in Austra-
lia—it will amuse
her.) " One, two,
three, four gui-
neas— quite cor- ((V , ., ,,
rect, Mr. Lane, "Tou may have to wait."

and 'you shall have an early opportunity of revising a proof, and we
will send down a competent artist, in a day or two, to take the pho-
tographs. Quite an agreeable change in the weather, is it not?
Good day!"

He is gone,'leaving you to wait for the proof, and the photo
grapher, and the appearance of that great work, Notable Nonentities
of Norwood,—and it is not at all unlikely that you may have to
wait a considerable time.

Iago on the Great Sermon Question,

Good name in Mayor or Parson, dear my public,
Is the immediate jewel of their souls.

Who steals my sermon, steals trash ; 'tis something, nothing
'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been mouthed by dozens ;
But he who " splits " on me as plagiarist,
Robs me of that which is no good to him,
And leaves me poor—in credit.

views of tn e interior and exterior of ' The Druggeries,' and a bit
from the back-garden." (You do know Mincing—and you cannot

vol. c. m

on ways and means, that, after careful consideration, Mr. Punch,
when asked " Where to Stay," considers the safest answer will
always be, " At home"