Punch: Punch (100.1891)

April 25, 1891.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

193

MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.

{Condensed and Revised Version by Mr P.'s Own Harmless Ibsenite.)

Ho.nL—HEDDA GABLER.
Act L

Scene—A Sitting-room cheerfully decorated in dark colours. Broad
doorway, hung with black crape, in the wall at back, leading to a
back Drawing-room, in tvhich, above a sofa in black horsehair,
hangs a posthumous portrait of the late General Gableb. On the
piano is a handso?ne pall. Through the glass panes of the back
Drawing-room window are seen a dead wall and a cemetery.
Settees, sofas, chairs, fyc, handsomely upholstered in black
bortibazine, and studded wi'h small round nails. Bouquets of
immortelles and dead grasses are lying everywhere about.
Enter Aunt Julie [a good-natured looking lady in a smart hat).
Aunt J. Well, 1 declare, if I believe Geobge or Hedda are up yet!
[Enter Geobge Tesman, humming, stout, careless, spectacled.) Ah,
my dear boy, I have called before breakfast to inquire how you and
Hedda are after returning late last night from your long honeymoon.
Oh, dear me, yes; am I not your old Aunt, and are not these atten-
tions usual in Norway ?

George. Good Lord, yes! My six months'honeymoon has been quite

Hedda. Geobge, go and write an invitation at once; do you hear P
(Geobge looks around for his slippers, takes them up and goes out.)
Now we can talk, my little Thea. Do you remember how I used
to pull your hair when we met on the stairs, and say I would scorch
it off ? Seeing people with copious hair always does irritate me.

Mrs. E. Goodness, yes, you were always so playful and friendly,
and I was so afraid of you. I am still. And please, I've run away
from my husband. Everything around him was distasteful to me.
And Mr. Lovbobg and I were comrades—he was dissipated, and I
got a sort of power over him, and he made a real person out of me—
which I wasn't before, you know, but, oh. I do hope I'm real now.
He talked to me and taught me to think—chiefly of him. So, when
Mr. Lovbobg came here, naturally I came too. There was nothing
else to do ! And fancy, there is another woman whose shadow still
stands between him and me! She wanted to shoot him once, and
so, of course, he can never forget her. I wish I knew her name—
perhaps it was that red-haired opera-singer ?

Hedda [with cold self-command). Very likely—but nobody does
that sort of thing here. Hush! Run away now. Here comes
Tesman with Judge Bback. (Mrs. E. goes out; Geobge comes in
with Judge Bbace, who is a short and elastic gentleman, with a
round face, carefully brushed hair, and distinguished profile.) How
awfully funny you do look by daylight, Judge!

Brack [holding his hat and dropping his eye-glass). Sincerest

a little travelling scholarship, eh t I have thanks. Still the same graceful manners, dear

been examining archives. Think of that ! Look Q. ^\ little Mrs. Hed—Tesman ! I came to invite

here, I'm going to write a book all about the EbwP ^ear Tesman to a little bachelor-party to cele-

domestic interests of the Cave-dwellers during 5 brate his return from his long honeymoon. It

the Deluge. I m a clever young Norwegian ^/L^^_^ *s customary in Scandinavian society. It will

man of letters, eh ? ^flW^*/'- i \ \ / jS^. "J be a lively affair, for I am a gay Norwegian dog.

Ann: J. Fancy your knowing about that ' \/ i / l"\ George. Asked out — -without my wife!

too! Now, dear me, thank Heaven! V _ %Wjm\ / \V/SM^ Think of that! Eh ?_ Oh, dear me, yes, I'll

George. Let me, as a dutiful Norwegian &{, '/||fffM't■. W/kty '/ come I

nephew, untie that smart, showy hat of yours. y^ ^WX'MsL sb»L/ Brack. By the way, Lovbobg is here ; he has

[Unties it, and pais her under the chin.) Well, 'WtwE^BF^C written a wonderful book, which has made a

to be sure, you have got yourself really up,— ■HBHHjH quite extraordinary sensation. Bless me, yes!

fancy that! ^r^^^wiw George. Lovbobg—fancy ! Well, I am—glad. Such

[He puts hat on chair close to table. fjt^/, vjffim ^ marvellous gifts ! And I was so painfully certain he had

Aunt J. [giggling). It was for Hedda's sake M^-^WmL y Sone ^° ^e ^a<^' Fancy that, eh? But what will become

—to go out walking with her in. (Hedda - of him now. poor fellow, eh ? I am so anxious to know !

approaches from the back-room; she is pallid, K'J; ' /0&m?^ /t Brack. Well, he may possibly put up for the Prof essorship

with cold, open, steel-grey eyes; her hair is not I A^sBmhM against you, and, though you are an uncommonly clever

very thick, but what there is of it is an agree- I f 'n/HpM'^i man of letters—for a Norwegian—it's not wholly improbable

able medium brown ) Ah, dear Hedda ! W/ '/ffJ/ '/ / that he may cut you out!

[She attempts to cuddle her. W//" George. But, look here, good Lord, Judge Beack!—[ges-

Hedda [shrinking back). Ugh, let me go, do! hz^flfflwA ticulating)—that would show an incredible want of consi-

[Looking at Aunt Julik's hat.) Tesman, you <^ r\W/Jr\ deration forme! I married on my chance of getting that

must really tell the housemaid not to leave L . / W J Professorship. A man like Lovbobg, too, who hasn't even

her old hat about on the drawing-room chairs. ; / IjL / been respectable, eh ? One doesn't do such things as that!

Oh, is it your hat ? Sorry I spoke, I'm sure ! f \ it' I Brack. Really ? You forget we are all realistic and un-

Aunt J. [annoyed). Good gracious, little 7/' conventional persons here, and do all kinds of odd things.

Mrs. Hedda; my nice new hat that I bought to 1 ttTy But don't worrv yourself! [He goes out.

go out walking with you in ! j I ^|f|r, George [to Hedda). Oh, I say, Hedda, what's to become

George [patting her on the back). Yes, J of our Fairyland now, eh ? We can't have a liveried ser-

Hedda, she did, and the parasol too! Fancy, ^^««*=r J;V^. vant, or give dinner-parties, or have a horse for riding.

Aunt Julie always positively thinks of every- Fancy that!

thing, eh ? " I am a gay Norwegian dog." Bedda [slowly, and wearily). No, we shall really have to

Hedda [coldly). You hold your tongue. Catch me going out
walking with your aunt! One doesn't do such things.

George [beaming). Isn't she a charming woman ? Such fascinating
manners ! My goodness, eh ? Fancy that!

Aunt J. Ah, dear Geobge, you ought indeed to be happy—but [brings
out a fiat package wrapped in newspaper) look here, my dear boy !

George [opens it). What ? my dear old morning shoes ! my slippers !
[Breaks down.) This is positively too touching, Hedda, eh ? Do you
remember how badly I wanted them all the honeymoon ? Come and
just have a look at them—you may !

Hedda. Bother your old slippers and your old aunt too! (Aunt
Julie goes out annoyed, followed by Geobge, still thanking her
warmly for the slippers; Hedda yawns ; Geobge comes back and
places his old slippers reverently on the table.) Why, here comes Mrs.
Elysted—another early caller! She had irritating hair, and went
about making a sensation with it—an old flame of yours, I've heard.

Enter Mrs, Elvsted ; she is pretty and gentle, with copious wavy
white-gold hair and round prominent eyes, and the manner of
a frightened rabbit.

Mrs. E. [nervous). Oh, please, I'm so perfectly in despair.
Ejlebt Lovbobg, you know, who was our Tutor ; he's written such
a large new book. I inspired him. Oh, I know I don't look like
it—but I did—he told me so. And, good gracious, now he's in
this dangerous wicked town all alone, and he's a reformed character,
and I'm so frightened about him ; so, as the wife of a Sheriff twenty
years older than me, I came up to look after Mr. Lovbobg. Do ask

The Raxees' teeth were bared— a most terrible sight!—
At the Messenger Companies. Now all seems joy
For the Public, the P. 0., the Co., and the Boy I
him here—then I can meet him. You will? How perfectly lovely I The Dog in the Manger John Bull did affright, _

of you! My husband's so fond of him I But—his bark is perhaps rather worse than his bite !

set up as Fairies in reduced circumstances, now.

George [cheering up). Still, we shall see Aunt Julle every day,
and that will be something, and I've got back my old slippers. We
shan't be altogether without some amusements, eh ?

Hedda [crosses the floor). Not while I have one thing to amuse
myself with, at all events.

George [beaming with joy). Oh, Heaven be praised and thanked
for that! My goodness, so you have! And what may that be,
Hedda, eh?

Hedda [at the doorway, with suppressed scorn). Yes, Geobge, you
have the old slippers of the attentive Aunt, and I have the horse-
pistols of the deceased General!

George [in an agony). The pistols I Oh, my goodness! what
pistols ?

Hedda [with cold eyes). General Gableb's pistols—same which I
shot— [recollecting herself)—no, that's Thackebay, not Ibsen—a
very different person. [She goes through the back Drawing-room.

George [at doorway, shouting after her). Dearest Hedda, not those
dangerous things, eh? Why, they have never tonce been known to
shoot straight yet! Don't! Have a catapult. For my sake, have
a catapult! _ [Curtain,

Bow-Wow!

vol, c.