Punch (100.1891)

January 31, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 49

VOCES POPULI.

A ROW IN THE PIT; OR, THE OBSTRUCTIVE HAT.

Scene—The Pit during Pantomime Time.
The Overture is beginning.
An Over-heated Matron [to her Husband). Well, they don't give
you much room in 'ere, I must say. Still, we done hetter than I
expected, after all that crushing. I thought my ribs was gone once

—hut it was on'y the umbrella's.
You pretty comfortable where
you are, eh. Father ?

Father. Oh, I'm right enough,
I am.

Jimmy [their Son; a small boy,
with a piping voice). If Father
is, it's more nor what I am. I
can't see, Mother, I can't!

His Mother. Lor' bless the
hoy! there ain't nothen to see
_ yet; you'll see well enough
i(0 when the Curting goes up. (Cur-
' tain rises on opening scene).
Look, Jimmy, ain't thai Dice,
now P All them himps dancin' round, and real fire comin' out of the
pot—which I 'ope it's quite safe—and there's a beautiful fairy just
come on, dressed so grand, too !
Jimmy. I can't see no fairy—nor yet no himps—no nothen!

[He ivhimpers.

His Mother [annoyed). Was there ever such a aggravating boy to
take anywheres! Set quiet, do, and don't fid get, and look at the hactin'!

Jimmy. I tell yer I can't see no hactin', Mother. It ain't my
fault—it's this lady in front o'me, with the'at. The Father [handsomely). Better late nor never, Mum, and we

Mother [perceiving the justice of his complaints). Father, the pore take it kind of you. Though, why you shouldn't ha' done it at fust,

Jimmy'1 s Father. If you can indooce that lady in front to take off
her 'at, I will—but not before. Stay where you are, Jimmy, my boy.

The Pittite behind. Well, I must stand myself then, that's all.
I mean to see, somehow ! [He rises.

People behind him [sternly). Set down there, will yer ?

\_He resumes his seat expostulating.
Jimmy. Father, the gentleman behind is a pinching of my legs!
Jimmy''s Father. Will you stop pinching my little boy's legs!
He ain't doing you no 'arm—is he ?

The Pinching Pittite. Let him sit down, then !
Jimmy1 s Father. Let the lady take her 'at off !
Murmurs behind. Order, there ! Set down ! Put that boy down !
Take orf tbat 'at! Silence in front, there! Turn 'em out! Shame !
. . . &c, &c.

The Husband of the O. of the It. [in a whisper to his Wife). Take
off the blessed 'at, and have done with it, do!

The 0. of the H. What—now f I'd sooner die in the 'at!

[ An Attendant is called.
The Attendant. Order, there, Gentlemen, please—unless you want
to get turned out! No standing allowed on the seats—you 're dis-
turbing the performance 'ere, you know !

[Jimmy is made to sit down, and weeps silently ; the hubbub
gradually subsides—and The Owner of the Hat triumphs—
for the moment.

Jimmy's Mother. Never mind, my boy, you shall have Mother's
seat in a minute. I dessay, if all was known, the lady 'as reasons
for keeping her 'at on, pore thing!

The Father. Ah, I never thought o' that. So she may."* Very
likely her 'at won't come off—not without her 'air !

The Mother. Ah, well, we musn't be 'ard on her, if that's so.
The O. of the H. [removing the obstruction). I'ope you're satisfied
now, I'm sure ?

boy says he can't see where he is, 'cause of a lady's hat in front.

Father. Well, I can't 'elp the 'at, can I ? He must put up with
it, that's all!

Mother. No—but I thought, if you wouldn't mind changing places
with him—you're taller than him, and it wouldn't be in your way
'arf so much.

Father. It's always the way with you—never satisfied, you ain't!
Well, pass the boy across—I'm for a quiet life, I am. [Changing
seats.) Will this do for you ?

[He settles down immediately behind a very large, and furry, and
feathery hat, which he dodges for some time, with the result
of obtaining an occasional glimpse of a pair of legs on the stage.
Father [suddenly). 1)-the'at!

Mother. You can't wonder at the boy not seeing! P'raps the
lady wouldn't might taking it off, if you asked her ?

Father. Ah'! [He touches The Owner of the Hat on the shoulder.)
Excuse me, Mum, but might I take the liberty of asking you to
kindly remove your 'at ? [The Owner of the Hat deigns no reply.

Father [more insistently). Would you'ave any objection to oblige
me by taking off your 'at, Mum ? [Same result.) I don't know if
you 'eard me, Mum, but I've asked you twice, civil enough, to take
that 'at of yours off. I'm a playin' 'Ide and Seek be'ind it 'ere !

[No answer.

The Mother. People didn't ought to he allowed in the Pit with sech
'ats ! Callin' 'erself a lady—and settin' there in a great 'at and
feathers like a 'Ighlander's, and never answering no more nor a
stuffed himage!

Father [to the Husband of The Owner of the Hat). Will you tell
your good lady to take her 'at off, Sir, please ?

The Owner of the Hat [to her Husband). Don't you do nothing
of the sort, Sim, or you '11 'ear of it!

The Mother. Some people are perlite, I must say. Parties might
bey are as ladies when they come in the Pit! It's a pity her 'usband
can't teach her hetter manners!

The Father. 'Im teach her ! 'E knows better. 'E's got a Tartar
there, 'e 'as!

The Owner of the Hat. Sam, are you going to set by and hear me
insulted like this ?

Her Husband [turning round tremulously). I—I '11 trouble you to
drop making these personal allusions to my wife's 'at, Sir. It's
puffiekly impossible to listen to what's going on on the stage, with
all these remarks be'ind !

The Father. Not more nor it is to see what's going on on the
stage with that 'at in front'. I paid 'arf-a-crown to see the Panter-
mime, I did ; not to 'ave a view of your wife's 'at! . . . 'Ere, Maria,
blowed if I can stand this 'ere game any longer. Jimmt must
change places again, and if he can't see, he must stand up on the
seat, that's all'.

[Jimmy is transferred to his original place, and mounts upon the seat.

A Pittite behind Jimmy [touching up Jimmi's Father ivith an
umbrella). Will you tell your little hoy to set down, please, and not
block the view like this ?

I dunno; for you look a deal 'ansomer without the 'at than what you
did in it—don't she, Mama?

The O. of the H [mollified). Sam, ask the gentleman behind if his
boy would like a ginger-nut.

[This olive-branch is accepted; compliments pass; cordiality is
restored, and the Pantomime proceeds without further
disturbance.

SOMETHING LIKE A SUBSCRIPTION !

[A Page from the Book of Philanihrox>y.)

The Committee waited impatiently the arrival of the Great and
Good Man. It was their duty to obtain a donation—an ample one —
from the Millionnaire whose charity was renowned far and wide,
from one end of the world to the other.
At length he appeared before them.

" What can I do for you ? " he asked,
with a smile that absolutely shone with
benevolence.

" You know, Sir, that the claims of
'the poor in the Winter are numerous,
and difficult to meet ? "

"Certainly I do," returned the Man
of Wealth, "and hope that you are
about to ask me for a subscription."

" Indeed we were," cried the spokes-
man of the Committee, his eyes filling
with grateful tears. "May I put you
down for five pounds ? "

" Five pounds! " echoed the Million-
naire, impatiently, "What is five
pounds ?—five thousand is much more
like the figure ! Now, I will give you
five thousand pounds on one condition."

" Name it! " cried the Deputation in a breath.

" The simplest thing in the world," continued the Millionnaire. " I
will give you five thousand pounds on the condition that you get
ninety-nine other fellows to do the same. Nay, you shall thank me
when all is collected. I can wait till then."

******

The ahove words were spoken more than thirty years ago. Since
then the Deputation have been waiting for the other fellows—and
so has the Millionnaire !

Professor v. Professor.

Professor Virchow seems by no means Koch-sure about the
tuberculosis remedy. Indeed Professor Koch finds that there is not
only " much virtue in an ' if,' " but much " if " in a Virchow! He
is inclined to sing with Swinburne:—

" Come down, and redeem us from Virchow."

vol. C.