Punch (100.1891)

Mat 2, 1891.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

205

SONGS OF THE UN-SENTIMENTALIST.

A Dustman's Silent Teab.

I know not how that Dustman stirred my ire :

He may have failed to call when due: but he—
My breast being charged with economic fire,—

Was mulcted of his customary fee.
I was informed, at first he did not seem

To grasp the crnel sense of what he heard,
Bnt asked, "Wot's this 'ere game ? " as if some dream

Of evil portents all his pulses stirred ; _
Then, muttering, he tnrned, and went his way

Dejected, broken ! I had stopped his beer!
Ah ! from that Dustman who, alas ! can say

I did not wring a sad and silent tear I

I thought the matter o'er. I vowed no more,

That I with grief would moisten any eye ; ■
Henceforth, whene'er that Dustman passed my door,

Upon his beer he knew he could rely !
Nay more ! For never heeding if my bin

Were full or empty, I that Dustman hailed ;
His grateful smile my one desire to win ;'

I felt I could not help it if I failed.
Twice every week he came,—his twopence drew :

That Dustman seemed to brighten with his beer.
And, if he wept, thank Heaven, at least I knew

With joy, not grief, he shed his silent tear!

LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.

[continued.]

Thursday, April 16.—On looking throngh my book I find that I
am now a member of ten Billsbury Cricket Clubs, to most of which
I am a Yice-President. Not bad, considering that my average in my

---, c^„_ las^ Jear at school was four, and that I

! VOTE ^g|l||p didn't play more than half-a-dozen times

i FoK 7w at Oxford. Tolland says there are many

iM'WHWjj^pi <\more Foot-ball Clubs than Cricket Clubs

— a pleasant prospect for me in the
Autumn. Have also had to subscribe
to six Missions of various kinds, four
Easter Monday Fetes, six Friendly
Societies, three Literary and Scientific
Institutes, five Temperance Associations,
four Quoit Clubs, two Swimming Clubs,
seven_ Sunday Schools, five Church or
Chapel Building Funds, three Ornithological Societies, two Christian
Young Men's Associations, three Children's Free Dinner Funds, one
Angling Association, not to speak of Fire Brigade, Dispensaries, and
Brass Bands. Have also given a Prize to be shot for by Volunteers,
as Chttbson gives one every year. What with £80 subscription to
the Registration Fund, things are beginning to mount up pretty
considerably.

Have spoken at three meetings since the Mass Meeting. Tollajsd
said, " You needn't refer to Sir Thomas Chtjbson yourself. Leave
our people to do that. They enjoy that kind of thing, and know
how to do it." They do, indeed. At our last meeting, Hollebone,
the Secretary of the Junior Conservative Club, went on at him for
twenty minute8 in proposing resolution of confidence in me. "Sir
Thomas," he said, " talks of his pledges. The less Sir Thomas says
about them the better. I can't walk out anywhere in Billsbury for
two minutes without tripping over the broken fragments of some of
Sir Thomas's pledges. It's getting quite dangerous. Sir Thomas,
they say, made himself. It's a pity he couldn't put in a little con-
sistency when he was engaged on the job. We don't want any
purse-proud Radical knights to represent us. We want a straight-
forward man, who says what he means ; and you '11 agree with me,
fellow-townsmen, that we've got one in our eloquent and popular
young Candidate."

This went down very well. Next day, however, the Meteor
" parallel-columned" Sir Thomas Chubson's career and mine.
Mine occupied six lines; Sir Thomas's "Life of honourable and self-
sacrificing industry " ran to nearly a column. "It will be observed,"
said the Meteor, "that there is a good deal of blank space in
Mr. Pattle's comparative career; but this no doubt recommends
him to his Conservative friends, who are quite equal to filling it
brilliantly with their imaginative rhetoric about his chances of
success."

Primrose Day, the day after to-morrow. We 're going to have a
great demonstration at Billsbury. Mother is going down with me
to-morrow.

April20th, "GeorgeHotel," Billsbury.—The Demonstration yester-
day was a splendid success. At ten o'clock in the morning the Conserva-

vol. c. '

tive BandTmarched up to the Hotel and played patriotic airs under
the window. Mother and I drove to the Beaconsfleld Club in an open
carriage and pair, escorted by the band. Mother's bonnet was all
primroses, and she carried an immense bouquet of them. Carlo
came with us and sat on the back-seat. His collar was stuck full
of primroses, and small bunches were tied on to the tufts on his back
and at the end of his tail. I wore a buttonhole of primroses, and
carried a huge primrose wreath to be placed round the bust of Lokd
Beaconseifld, which stands in the hall of the Club. The coachman
and horses too were all tricked out with bunches. Tolland and
Chobkle, and all the leaders of the Party, met ns at the entrance of
the Club, and the ceremony of depositing the flowers all round the
bust began. Chobkle, who once shook hands with Dizzy in the
lobby of the House, made a great speech, mostly composed of personal
reminiscences of our great departed leader. (By the way Chobkle
has six children, five of them being sons, whose names are Ben-
jamin Disbaeli Chobkle, Cecil Salisbury Chobkle, Stbaffobd
Thobolgh Chobexe, Hobbes Leviathan Chobkle, and Ran-
dolph Chtjbchill Chobkle.) The sixth, eighteen months
old, is a girl. Her name is Williamina Henrietta Smith
Chobkle. They were all present, covered with primroses. I
added a few words about the inspiring effect that the contemplation
of Lobd Beaconsfield's career must have upon the youth of the
country. Mother's bouquet kept falling off the place she had put it
on, and two or three enthusiasts always dashed forward to pick it up,
causing a good many collisions. In the middle of my speech, Carlo
walked into the centre of the hall, sat down and proceeded to gnaw
off the primroses which had been tied to his tail. He then ate them
all solemnly, and after that rolled over on his back with his paws
stuck straight out, pretending he was dead. I must tell Mother not
to bring that dog again. There was a great banquet in the evening.
Ydlliamy came down for it and spoke very kindly about me in his
speech. Said he had followed my career with profound interest and
pleasure from my earliest years. I've only known him a year.

NOTHING LIKE DISCIPLINE!

(Extract from the Diary o/Pbivate Atkins, Prince's Company, 4th
Battalion, H.M.'s Guzzlebeer Guards.)

Monday.—Joined the Regiment. Appeared on Parade, and was
requested to come to " attention," although the Sergeant must have
seen that I was " standing at ease." Expressed
a desire that the Commanding-officer should
rectify the mistake, when all ended amicably.
Sergeant apologised, and promised that it should
not occur again. Satisfied. Both Sergeant and
Commanding-officer well up in their duties !

Tuesday.—Bugle sounded too early for Assem-
bly. Sent a message to the Adjutant by his
orderly (with my compliments) saying that I would
feel much obliged if the Parade were postponed
an hour. Adjutant returned his compliments,
with a request that I would give in writing my
reason for desiring a delay. Explained (by word
of mouth) that I wanted to read the newspaper?.
Parade consequently postponed as requested. Obliging chap the
Adjutant!

Wednesday.—Warned for Guard. Sent for the Major of my half-
battalion (don't like bothering the Commanding-officer about every
trifle), and. explained that, although the Surgeon had seen me, and
reported me fit, I had a presentiment that the easterly winds would
play the very mischief with me if I went " Sentry Go." Major
thought, perhaps it would be better if I were struck off duty.
Excused Guard in consequence. Good sort Major of my half-
battalion !

Thursday.—Sorry to find rations very unsatisfactory. Complained
to the Officer of the day, who reported the matter to the Captain.
Captain said he would have asked the entire company to dine with
him at his Club had he not been engaged. He then passed us on to
his Subs. The latter most obligingly gave us some food at a
Restaurant. Chateaubriand excellent, Sole a la Normande decent,
but Potage a la bisque too rich. Mistake to order the latter,
as one can never get it really good, except on the Continent. Wine
tol-lol. Pol Royer of'84. However, spent a very pleasant evening.
Both Subs, when you know them, not half bad fellows !

Friday.—Rather a head, and felt generally out of sorts. Warned
for Kit-inspection. Couldn't stand this, so called upon General Com-
manding District. Not at home, but was asked would I see his
locum tenens f Replied in the negative, as I don't believe in go-
betweens. Didn't return to barracks, as I thought I might get a
breath of sea-air at Southend.

Saturday.—Arrested and conveyed to the Guard-room. Suppose I
shall be released with a caution. At any rate, for the present, diary
confiscated.