Punch (100.1891)

March 28, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. H5

THE G. P. O. CUCKOO.

It was a gallant Postmaster that armed him for the fray,

And, oh, his eyes were gleaming as he summoned his array ;

To North and South the message went, to W. and E.,

And where, 'mid piles of ledgers, men make money in E.C. ;

From Highgate Hill to Putney one cry the echoes wakes,

As the Postmen don their uniforms and shout aloud for Raikes.

" Brave Postmen," spake an officer, who gazed upon the throng,
"Ye tramp the streets by day and night, your hours are very long ;
Yet since you love the G. P. 0, that thus your feet employs,
We must not see you flouted by a perky pack of hoys.
Swift rally round the Master who quavers not nor quakes,
Our Red Knight of the Pillar-Box, the adamantine Raikes.

" What? ' The Public want the Messengers' ? We '11 teach the
Public sense,

Which consists in looking pleasant while we pocket all their pence.
Though the papers rave, we care not for their chatter and their fuss.
They must keep at home their messages, or send them all through Us.
And we '11 crush these boy-intruders as a mongoose crushes snakes.
They have sown, but we shall reap it—'tis the will of Mr. Raikes.''
*#*###

But Punch was there, and listened, and bis angry face grew red,
Like the tape that Raikes delights in, and he shook his ancient head.
" Raises," he cried, " I doubt your wisdom, and 1 much incline to
scorn

Those who trespass on their neighbour's land, and cart away his corn.

Let the man who makes the oven and laboriously bakes

Take the profit on the loaves he sells, nor yield it all to Raikes.

" Yousay you '11 do the thing yourself: Monopoly decrees
That, if boys go making honey, they must lose it, like the bees.
But, oh, be warned, my Postmaster, it's not a pleasant thing
To incur a bee's resentment and to suffer from its sting:
And (to change my humble parallel) I like not him who takes
A nest prepared by others, like the Cuckoo-Postman Raikes! "

Sound and Safe.—We hear that Mr. W. H. Griffiths is to be
the new Lessee of the Shaftesbury. Years ago, to the popular inquiry,
"Who's Gkiffiths ? " there was but one answer, " The Safe Man."
Good omen for the Shaftesbury.

BAR BARRED!

Scene—A Parliamentary Committee Room. Committee sitting
at horse-shoe table. Par crowded at table covered with plans,
custards, buns, agreements, and ginger-beer. Huge plans hang-
ing to walls. View in distance of St. Thomas's Hospital. East-
West Diddlesex Railway Extension Pill under consideration.
Expert Witness standing at reading-desk under examination.

Junior Counsel {for Promoters). You have told us that there is
a cutting at Burnt House Mill, coloured red in plan—in your opinion
do you think that the road passing by Hoggsborough, coloured
green, could be so diverted as to avoid the necessity of throwing a
bridge over the River Crowe, coloured yellow ?

Expert Witness (with great deliberation, and illustrating his
remarks by references to a large plan). In my opinion I think -the
necessity of building a bridge over the River Crowe may be avoided
by skirting the Swashbuckler Estate, and by making a new road
that would cross the proposed line by a level crossing at Twaddle-
comb, and ultimately reach Market Goosebury, coloured blue, by
following the course of the Raisensworth, coloured black.

Junior Counsel. Thank you—that will do. [Sits down.

First Cross-Examining Q. C. {suddenly entering from another
Committee Room, looking for his Junior—aside). Where on earth
have we got to ?

Chairman of Committee. Is this witness cross-examined P

First C.-E. Q.C. Certainly, Sir. Now I think you say that it is
necessary to make a bridge over the River Crowe, coloured red in
plan ?

Expert Witness. No; I say that if the Swashbuckler Estate is
skirted, &c, &c. [Repeats the answer he has already given.

Second Cross-Examining Q. C. {entering hurriedly, as his learned
brother sits down). One moment, please. Now you say that it is
absolutely necessary to 'pass the River Crowe, in plan coloured red,
by a bridge ?

Expert Witness. On the contrary, I say that if the Swashbuckler
Estate, &c, &c. [Rejoeats his answer for the third time.

Third C.-E. Q.C. (entering hurriedly, as his predecessor resumes
his seat). And now, Sir, that my learned friends have asked you
their questions, I have to ask you mine. Be kind enough to say,
for the benefit of the Right Hon. Chairman and the Hon. Members
of the Committee, whether, in your opinion, in the construction of
the proposed line, where the road reaches the neighbourhood of—
(consulting plan) — Market Goosebury, coloured blue in the plan,
and, as you will see, runs through the—(inspects plan closely)—
Swashbuckler Estate—yes, the Swashbuckler Estate—and comes,
as you will see, if you refer to the chart, near Twaddlecomb—having
now sufficiently indicated the locality, I repeat, will you be kind
enough to say whether, in your opinion, the necessity of building
a bridge over the River Raven—{is prompted by Junior)—I should
say, over the River Crowe—could be avoided ?

Chairman of Committee {interposing). I would suggest that, as
this question has been answered three times, the witness be excused
further examination at the hands of Counsel not present at the
examination-in - chief.

First C.-E. Q. C. (warmly). I consider this an infringement of the
privileges of the Bar. The Right Hon. Chairman must remember
that it is possible that a single reference in the examination-in-chief
may only require cross-examination on the part of the Clients whom
we represent. Besides, an expert witness's examination-in-chief is
very seldom shaken, and all we can possibly want is a note taken by
a learned friend who has acted as a Junior. All of us are occasion-
ally wanted elsewhere.

Second C.-E. Q.C. (indignantly). Yes; and how can we attend
to our Clients' interests if we are not allowed to be in two places at
once ?

Third C.-E. Q.C. (furiously). You have no right to act upon
an old ruling that was never enforced. Why, such a regulation
would ruin us—and many of us have wives and children !

[Exeunt defiantly, to return, Wer on, ready to brave imprison-
ment in the Clock Tower, if necessary. N,P.— Up to date
the Toioer is untenanted.

" Ik the Name of the Law -Photographs ! "—Mr. A. Briefless,
Junr., having received a respectful invitation from some Brook Street
Photographers to favour them (without charge) with a sitting, " to
enable them to complete their series of portraits of distinguished legal
gentlemen," regrets to say that, as he has already sat for another Firm
making the same request (see Papers from Pump-handle Court), he
is unable to comply with their courteous request. However, he is
pleased to hear that a similar petition has been forwarded to others
of his learned friends, one of whom writes to say, he "possesses a
wig, and the right to wear it, but that there his connection with the
Law begins and ends." Mr, A. Briefless, Junr., wishes the indus-
trious Firm every success in their public-spirited undertaking.

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